Blank Slate #1

Top Stories for July 7, 2007

"Green Is the New Yellow"
"Where Does Hamas Get Its Ski Masks?"
"Why the Libby Reprieve Is Bad--for Hillary"
"Would a Pardon Get Scooter His $250K Back?"
"Has Bad-Boy Financier Henry Kravis Gone Soft?"
"Can a Prius Really Go 100 MPH?"

"I, Fouad Ajami, Majid Khadduri Professor of Middle
 Eastern Studies, Paul H. Nitze School of Advanced 
International Studies, Johns Hopkins University, do 
solemnly swear that David Shuster, pinchhitting for 
Chris Matthews on Hardball, did, with malice

aforethought, throw a slider into my private parts
 that did, in effect, unsex me before the world, 
especially in front of my neoconservative friends
 and allies. Therefore, I demand that Tweetie 
be returned to the airwaves ASAP, at least by
 the time I re-establish my manhood and stop sounding 
like the late Beverly Sills singing to the Muppets."

Pope Eases Restrictions on Latin Mass,

Bowls World Over Like Tenpins

Here's a photo of a day at the beach in Las Vegas, Nevada,

in 2017, the year former Republican Senator James Inhofe

celebrated his 83rd birthday by announcing that global

warming was still a hoax in Oklahoma.

"God is great. I bear witness that there is none worthy of

worship except God. I bear witness that Muhammad is the

Messenger of God. Hamas be damned. God is great."

Mahathir Bin Mohamad's 'Man N Da Hood' Wins

Award for Best Rap Song of 2007

"It's easy for two people to lose each other in

the tunnel of love."

No matter how fierce the competition, Lucie

Safarova was forever blowing bubbles.

RIZE Singer Touches Live Wire at Live Earth

Jonah and K-Lo Show Up for Another Day's Work

at The Corner

"Yo! You be like the illest at breakdancing and pull all

the hoes and shiznit!"

"Whaddya think, Kalil? Should we issue a

carry permit for this sucker?"

Rupert Murdoch to Purchase Wall Street Urinal for

$5 Billion, Says He Needs Another Pot to Piss In

Veepenstein #12

The Baron had always wanted to have his picture

taken with Ozymandias. One day, he got his wish.

"I would note," said Bush Administration spokesman Scott Stanzel,

"that we do get a lot of inquiries from the Hill. They've launched over

300,000 investigations, had over 350,000 requests for documents

and interviews ... And they have had over 600,000 oversight hearings

in just about 100 days -- so that's about 6,000 oversight hearings a day.

And we've turned over 200,000,000 pages of documents as an

administration. And as my friends will tell you, I'm not one to exaggerate."

Oklahoma Republican Senator James Inhofe to Be Used

As Tom-Tom During Live Earth Concert at the National

Museum of the American Indian

Cure for Malignant Malkinism Found

"Hold on, buster! I agreed to a bath, not a baptism!"

Televangelist About to Be Run Down by Street

Racers From The Fast and the Furious

Dallas-Based Kwik-E-Mart Challenges

Des Moines-Based Kum & Go for
Share of Risky Business

WaPo's John Solomon Gathering Materials for His Next

Article on the Democratic Presidential Candidates

Tortoise Flattened by Bigfoot Hare

"Sarko the Giant here. Where's Jack and the

Beanstalk? You said they'd be here before I could

say, 'Fee! Fi! Foe! Fum!' Well, they're not."

On Fox's new reality show, Great Moments in

Gluttony, Joey Chestnut attempted to commit

ingesticide by eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

Unfortunately, he failed.

Drudge Report Funnies #9

"China's new nuclear sub spotted on Google Earth..."

A Marine equipped with the new Inferno Positioning System

says the Ninth Circle of Hell is centered in the White House,

most likely in the Oval Office.

Some activists claim if you eat a bowl of Rice Krispies

made from genetically-engineered grain,

you, not the cereal, will snap, crackle, and pop.

In the blogosphere, rightist trolls are thicker than pond scum.

Prince Charles Rescued from Sinking Monarchy

"Let's turn him in to Lost and Found, shall we?"

"What's it like, Brandan, to never have anyone

looking down his nose at you?"

"Oh, where have you been,

Billy Boy, Billy Boy?

Oh, where have you been,

Charming Billy?"

Young Christian Enters Guinness Book of World

Records for Number of Times She's Been Born Again

It makes you think twice when your grandbaby acts as if

wrinkles make you scarier than the gill man from The

Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush reached the

Nader of his presidency in 2000. And then it went

downhill from there.

After spending only three weeks in the Bush Bubble Simulator,

Astronaut Brent Jett (1) spoke like Tony Snow, (2) ordered a

second invasion of Iraq, (3) appointed Scooter Libby to lead

the National Task Force on Mnemonic Devices, and (4)

believed Dick Cheney is the Vice President of the
United States.

Vladimir had to swallow his pride when he agreed to be

photographed alongside Arseniy and Viktor. And that

made him feel unusually gassy.

"I'll let you in on a little secret, Vladimir. Old

man Bush treats me like a dog."

When we view the flag, we think of liberty, the Declaration of

Independence, July 4th, Betsy Ross, and Posh Spice's boobs.

How They Measure Geological Time

Whatever it was that made first base so larruping good,

José couldn't quite put his finger on it.

World's Worst Yobs #16

John Podhoretz

What is it about this picture that reminds you how roaches

scatter and scurry when you turn on the kitchen light at night?
 And can't you almost hear, "Watch out, it's RAID!!!"?

“As to the future, I rule nothing in or nothing out.

I just RULE!"

Head of Bush Crime Family Commences Final

Phase of Contract on America

Pakistani Seminarian Advancing the 'Locked and Loaded'

Argument for the Existence of God

Too late, the winner of the Palio horse race realized Dr.

Hannibal Lecter had wormed his way into the crowd.

Rightist bloggers are claiming the new Brain-Machine Interface

can disseminate Republican Party talking points even faster

than the Internet.

District Attorney Arthur Branch Condemns Commutation of

Scooter Libby's Sentence; Strongly Criticizes Fred Thompson

for Praising President Bush's Decision