Woo-Hoo Personals #2

Star Wars Vet Seeks Relationship with Guggenheim Fellow

"What do you mean when you say I'm the biggest

embarassment to women and minorities to come along

since Tawana Brawley?"

In the Augie Doggie vs. Doggie Daddy trial, no one knows

for sure how a cat ended up as foreman of the jury.

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, JPod says he will

defenestrate his iPod, eat a Six Dollar Burger at Carl's Jr.,

play Five Minutes to Kill (Yourself) on [Adult Swim], and

then Simpsonize himself.

A slide purportedly showing Iranian trucks loaded with enriched

uranium has been positively identified as the same slide used by

Colin Powell at the United Nations in February, 2003, to show

Iraqi trucks carrying tainted Chinese pet food across the

Continental Divide.

Woo-Hoo Personals #1

Pink Carnation Seeks Guy in White Sport Coat

"Lady Musgrave was none too pleased when I said her

hat looked like the north end of a horse headed south."

Kashmiri Rock Imports Jump 33% in Second Quarter

Camouflage is essential to a baby giraffe's survival in the wild.

"I can't believe those dumbass Rooskies! Have you heard

they planted their flag under the friggin' North Pole?

Don't they know it's way too cold for anything to grow

down there?"

Be careful what you wish for. All Kermit Cintron wanted

for Christmas, for example, was his two front teeth.

Adult gouramis remember when they thought their

parents only kissed.

At 90, Spartacus became a mime.

Only the giant pandas get more attention than Karl Rove

and Alberto Gonzales in the National Zoo.

When the children of Iraq hear the word, 'Bullet', they

probably don't think of Roy Rogers' German Shepherd.

Do not ask Al Gore if he is kin to The Great Gildersleeve.

Though dead, the Fox News mascot was still balanced,

if not fair.

"What exactly do you do at the White House, Mr. Jennings?"

"If I told you, Senatory Leahy, I would have to kill you."

Horn of Plenty, 17th Century

Horn of Plenty, 21st Century

Crab Pots

Pol Pots

World's Worst Jobs #50

Chinese Algae Scrubber

In a recent Salon article, Sidney Blumenthal refers to these guys

as 'The Three Stooges'. Never before in the history of comedy have

the names of Larry, Curly, and Moe been so defamed.

"Listen up, boys. Aesop got it all wrong, ya see. I've

got a scheme to take out that hare, once and for all!

Now here's the plan . . ."

Guards Outside the Ministry of Silly Walks

Courtesy of the History Channel, we see here a re-enactment

of how the Greeks (in the white uniforms) defeated the Persians

(in the red uniforms) at the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C.

In celebration of the 20th anniversary of Shark Week, the Discovery

Channel will air exclusive footage of Michelle Malkin landing what

she now admits was not a Great Brown Shark.

"Oh shit! What does Superman do in a situation like this?

Hmmm. Now I remember. He says, 'Up, up, and away!'"

Drudge Report Funnies #10

"FIGHT! Nebraska congressman in heated exchange with Rep.

Jesse Jackson Jr..."

Did you know multi-billionaire Warren Buffett supplements

his income by waiting tables at Blake's Lotaburger on weekends?

"You've got me all wrong, amigos. I work for 
Chick-fil-A®. Surely you recognize me from
 one of those 'Eat Mor Chikin billboards."

World's Worst Yobs #17

Dennis Prager

"Your right rear tire is dangerously overinflated,

you Virginia scofflaw!"

Q: How do you know when Alberto Gonzales is lying?

A: His right hand is raised.

Real Men of Genius drink Bud Light.

This guy obviously doesn't.

What was at first thought to be Senator Ted Stevens has turned

out to be a series of cleverly-disguised tubes for funneling

large quantities of your tax dollars to Alaska.

Computer Map of Alberto Gonzales' Brain Showing

Location of Perjury Tumor

If rapprochement between the United States and Iran is ever

attained, the two countries will have to find some common

ground, like, say, the death penalty.

Thanks to the latest in brain scanning technology,

in the middle distance you can see all that remains

of Attorney General Gonzales' memory.

Polish Architect Credits Frank Lloyd Wrong for Inspiring

His Design of the Very Popular Upside-Down House

Bolivian Miner Claims He Has Uncovered the Light at the

End of the Tunnel of the Iraq War

Condensed Scotsman Wiping Cans of Campbell's Tomato Soup

The Fall of the House of Usher, Part 1:

Pamela Anderson Shakes the Foundation

President and First Lady Host White House Dinner

Honoring Alaskan Highwayman and Ugly Man in Drag

These beluga whales want you to know there are

only 155 shopping days left until Christmas.

Robin Givhan, Washington Post Fashion Editor,

showed cleavage recently, but, apparently,

nobody noticed.

"The Vice President is sort of a weird duck,

or haven't you noticed?"

Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld testified today that

Pat Tillman's death by friendly fire was an 'unknown known',

i. e., a thing that we didn't know we knew.

"Even if I had cleavage, I wouldn't show it like

that tart from New York!"