When Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza was named Miss Universe,

the only objection came from some critic who believes

in two, parallel universes.

Fiddlesticks! Even if this fool IS wearing a helmet,

it's no way to patrol for Radar Men on the Moon .

Young Republicans love to play Yellow Elephant Bingo

because it's a game they can't lose. The only losers are

the thousands of dead and wounded American soldiers

who don't play games.

Before you reach the erroneous conclusion that the

photographer ruined this picture when he jiggled

his camera, consider another possibility. Women

hurdlers today can almost reach the speed of light

when they imagine Rush Limbaugh is hot on their heels,

in pursuit of another wife.

There was no doubt in the old woman's mind that there

ought to be a law against burning the Cuban flag. But she

had her doubts about a law against burning Fidel Castro.

Wolves start out in life as cuddly little cubs. But it

doesn't take long before they start fantasizing about

Little Red Riding Hood and the Three Little Pigs.

The object of this game is to see how many

madrassa students you can connect to Allah

without ever releasing your left mouse button.

Lyudmila Kolchanova isn't exactly a household name.

But with her recent virtuoso performances in the sport

of 'sandworming', she will doubtless leave her mark on

the dunes of time.

This year's Leninpalooza was over, so it was time for the

festival goers to pack up and head back to the 1920s.

Bush's Bullshit Blackens Beirut Beach;

Ambassador Bolton Urges UN Security Council to

Pass Anti-Alliteration-Proliferation Resolution

Friday the 13th Cat Blogging

A 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings under one of

Bodega Chocolate's vats has been discovered and identified

as an image of the Virgin Mary. The company has decided

to mass produce copies of this image, marketing it under

the name, 'Our Lady of Perpetual Chocoholics'.

In this candid snapshot, Kid Rock displays

the macho vulnerability which lured Pamela

Anderson into his powerful arms.

During his interview with Dr. Phil, Michael Chertoff

confessed to having moments when he feels deeply insecure.

"My guess is victory was never an option for the US in Iraq.

A strategy that could produce victory would require a level

of brutality that the US elites and populace could not stomach.

An occupation of Iraq that utlized the level of brutality needed

to rule in Iraq is just beyond the pale in the minds of people

who live in Western countries today." Thus spake ParaPundit,

who back in 1931, appeared as Bela Lugosi's fangs in Dracula.

Kevin Drum, who blogs at Political Animal, says:

"There are a few people I don't bother commenting on,

and among them is Ann Coulter. But it's not because she's

so outrageous. It's because she's so juvenile." Well, Ann

will be 45 this December and Kevin will be 48 this October.

So, it's true: Kevin is more than three years older than Ann.

And from his adult perspective, she must still look like

a giggly teenager.

Following weeks and weeks of intense negotiations,

the Tajik Elders finally agreed they were one-year

older than they had been one year ago.

For decades, Godfrey Cambridge, Herbie Hancock, and

Mongo Santamaria had been on the trail of the elusive

Watermelon Man. Now, it seems, they have finally

found him.

The audience hooted and hollered when the exotic

dancer was introduced as 'Miss Cicciona'. So she was

re-introduced as 'Mr. Cicciona's wife', and the crowd

gave her a standing ovation.

"Oh, Amir, I bet you say that to all the dummkopfs you know!"

The US Department of Homeland Security acknowledged today

that a commercial airliner has been accidentally snagged by

the High Frontier Bob Wahr Fence.

Dan Gerstein, Joe Lieberman's new campaign manager,

says the Senator is committed to his independent bid for a

fourth term. "He's doing it a for a reason and believes it's an

important reason, namely, Joe is for Lieberman."

Hanging their heads in the summer heat, the sunflowers

dreamed of becoming moonflowers.

John Daly stunned the PGA gallery yesterday when he

introduced the world's first hands-free putter.

What fashion statement would a woman be making who

wears a dress made of condoms?

Though the K-Mart shopper admired the dress made entirely

out of condoms, she wondered where she would ever wear it.

Daniela Hantuchova has made the 'rooster tail'

hairstyle very popular with tennis fans.

Nobody believed the passenger when he claimed he found

Monty Python on the plane.

From his reaction, you would think Michael Phelps had

never seen a butterfly before.

If you're thinking about taking a vacation to Utah,

here are two reasons you shouldn't: Senators Orrin

Hatch and Bob Bennett. These guys are so Precambrian

in their worldview that they make trilobites look like

radical utopians.

By redefining what a planet is, astronomers are

getting ready to tell us there are more than nine

planets in our Solar System. Aren't nine already

more than we need?

"As you know, men, I'm a legend in my own mind. So when

I give the order to invade Daytona Beach, don't forget those

NASCAR heroes who have gone before you."

For you men out there who want to reinvigorate your

love life but won't touch anything that's not organic,

here's a solution straight from Peru. In your next

Revival Chocolate Daydream Shake, throw in a skinned

frog--unskinned if you prefer a thicker shake--and then

tell your lover to buckle up, because it's going to be a

jumpy ride.

The New Republic has become the journalistic

equivalent of an albino alligator: so rare it's

hard to keep your eyes off it, but so colorless

it's hard to see until it mates with Ann Coulter.

No matter what devilish method of torture the doctor used,

the child refused to say, "No pain, no gain."

The corpse flower (Amorphophallus titanum) can grow up to

nine feet tall from a tuber that can weigh over 170 pounds.

It got its common name from the fact it smells like rotting flesh.

It got its Latin name from an oversexed botanist.

"Elspeth Reeve, our extremely talented reporter-researcher,

penned a clever, interesting, very well-executed defense of

despicable authoritarian pundit Ann Coulter. I can't wait

to see her equally-clever defense of execrable xenophobic

hatemonger Michelle Malkin. Check it out at TNR Online

next week."

If you're the smallest, you get to be the ball when

it's time to play a friendly game of Monk Tossing.

A Room with a View

Afghanistan has reportedly developed a breed of sheep that

can subsist on a diet of sand and gravel.

Jordan Bratman suspected that every guy in

Yankee Stadium was staring at Christina's cap.

Unwary Pedestrian About to Be Gobbled Up by

Man-Eating Lamasery

Yes, friends and neighbors, Dubya was born to be wild.

Middle Eastern Filing Cabinets

"I told my husband I was going to get my hair done,

come hell or high water."

Zen Koan #1

Sometimes the rubber meets the road,

sometimes it meets the woodpecker.

Tzipi Livni, Israel's Foreign Minister, was able to

successfully touch her left thumb with her right

index finger, thus passing the first part of her

Diplomatic Sobriety Test.

Five years after Al Qaida destroyed the World Trade Center,

Osama bin Laden is alive and well and President Bush still

hasn't finished reading My Pet Goat.

“There are more jerks in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are

dreamt of in your philosophy. Take Rocco DiPippo, for instance.”

Sure, you see fishermen angling for women in bikinis

all the time. But when was the last time you witnessed

an Isaak Walton wannabe actually catch one?