"I've been a scoundrel ever since I was knee-high 

to a turd blossom."

"Are you telling me you've never heard of the 3 Fs?"

"Let's compromise, Representative Brown:  we'll put

duct tape over our nipples and you'll put a paper bag

over your head."

"Has anybody seen me lately?"

"What did you say your name was again, sir?"

So what if Paul Krugman has been awarded

 the John Bates Clark Medal from the American 

Economics Association and the Nobel Memorial

 Prize in Economics.  Joe Scarborough has 

received the 'Friend of the Taxpayer Award' 

from Grover Norquist and the 'Spirit of Enterprise 

Award' from the U. S. Chamber of Commerce.

Warm Scuzzies #371

Manny Pacquiao

Would someone please call the SPCA?

LeAnn Rimes Has 'Dental Nightmare',

 Wakes Up After Nine Root Canals 

with 'Permanent Cosmetic Deficiency'

Kentucky Rope-Smoker Calls for Legalization

of Hemp

"We must remember, comrade, what Scotty said at

the conclusion of The Thing From Another World:

'I bring you a warning: Everyone of you listening 

to my voice, tell the world, tell this to everybody 

wherever they are. Watch the skies. Everywhere. 

Keep looking. Keep watching the skies'."

It must be tough to be Ken Vogel and work for The

Politico, and not be Nate Silver.

Chuck Hagel will think twice before he crosses

Mean Muley McGrudge again.

"Now that I've signed on with Fox News, Joe, I'll put

in a good word for you the next time Mr. Ailes asks me 

to recommend a plumber."

Carnival Cruz

C'mon, Tail-Gunner Ted!

The whole world wants to

watch you do the 

'Harlem Shake'!

It Came from Outer Space---Again!

It was a day late, but his Valentine's Day

card from FreedomWorks had arrived.

It was the sentiment that counted.

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #471

Bill Kintner

George Zimmerman has gained 105 pounds since he

murdered Trayvon Martin a year ago.  We need to try

 this vigilante before he becomes Rush Limbaugh's

understudy.

Trump's Old Casino Sells, Changes Name to 

'Rump Plaza'

NYC Won't Jail Those Caught with a Little Pot

Flabbergasted Hagel Filibustered by Flibbertigibbets

Low-Tech Chubby Checker Gets Panties in a

Twist over High-Tech 'Chubby Checker'

Modern-Day Cupid Eschews Bow and Arrow

in Favor of 12 Gauge Shotgun

"He claims he's Chris Christie's Valentine."

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #470

Tom Corbin

Naughty FreedomWorks Pandas Facing

Disciplinary Action

Warm Scuzzies #370

Matt Kibbe

"They tempted him to drink

And they said he was a cow'rd

And at last he grabbed the fatal bottle of water."

Just looking at former Lieutenant-General

Jerry Boykin makes his pee-shame and 

latrine-angst visible.

The World's Best Known, Most Famous NRA-Hole

"Despite what you may have seen in the

 movies, I'm neither 'The Deadly Mantis' 

nor 'The Preying Mantis'.  No, I'm the

 'Praying Mantis on Stilts', and I hope

 you are capable of comprehending

the difference."

"Were I to summarize, students, what I've put up on the board,

I would simply say, 'Why?'."

"Why was I born in Utah?  Why am I a Mormon?

Why am I a Republican?  Why am I a Senator?

Why am I Orrin Hatch?  Maybe it's freedom. 

Yeah, it must be freedom."

"Why not 11?" the policeman wondered.

"It's gotta be louder."

"Attention, everybody!  Scott Brown has decided to

follow me into political oblivion.  Let's hear a round

of applause for this incredibly sexy loser!"

As the bottle of Poland Spring water awaited its cameo 

appearance in Marco Rubio's SOTU movie, it couldn't 

figure out why its label was reversed in the mirror, since

it was looking in the opposite direction.

"Who is Ron Paul?"  

"Well, he's the spiritual son of Ayn Rand and the 

physical father of Rand Paul.  And, for the ladies in the 

audience, he's also one of the world's oldest, wildest,

 and craziest gynecologists."

World's Worst Yobs #278

Rob Port

"OMG!  Grilled Confederate Hallapenyas!  Hoosha!"

"Undead?  No, I wouldn't say I'm undead, exactly.

Don't let my eyes fool you." 

"I was the first member of Congress to call Barack Obama

 a socialist who embraces Marxist-Leninist policies."

"That's good to know, Dr. Broun, but I'd still like to

 find out whether you think Preparation-H is physically,

or only psychologically, addictive."

I Remember Dubya #57

The bad news first, Mr. Secretary:  there will be no more

wrestling at the Olympics beginning in 2020.  But now, 

Mr. Secretary, the good news:  there will be a new 

sport to take its place:  Aggressive Non-Interventionist 

Dubya Tossing.

She had just learned that Scott Brown

was the latest Republican loser to

become a Fox News contributor.

Christopher Dorner to Star in 

Ash Wednesday, a Re-Make of

Sylvester Stallone's Reaganite

Breakthrough Hit, First Blood

It was a pseudo-event made in wooden irony heaven:  

a man---who's not from Cuba plugging a beverage

 that's not from Poland---appearing in a SOTU 

mockumentary about the nation's saliva deficit.

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #469

Diana Medley

Man Who Died from Heart Attack Had Genetic 

Predisposition to Eat Triple Bypass Burgers

"I threatened the President?  Are you kidding me?  Why

 don't you just say that I'm a gay pirate? You've got 

to be kidding me.  And as for that Rhode Island rep 

who's paralyzed and in a wheelchair from a shooting 

accident when he was a kid, he probably has shit 

for brains."

First Cop:  "Who's that?"

Second Cop:  “It’s Ted Nugent.  He’s a rock star, 

he talks about guns.”

First Cop:  “Really?  Never heard of him.”