Researchers Conclude President Bush and Dalai Lama Distanced

by Just 6.6 Degrees of Separation; Buddhists in Shock

Dung Fever Outbreak at McCain Campaign Headquarters

Directly Linked to Schmidt Sewage Geyser

The Senator had been saving saliva since his first run

for the Presidency eight years ago. It was a given his

opponent this time around was going to get wet.

Dana Milbank, Big Misquoto Hunter, Stalking His Prey

Milkweed Tussock Caterpillar Challenges

Hair Designer to Buzz Cut-Off

Best Served Ice Cold with a Wedge of Malice

Their future was so bright they had to wear shades.

Sunbathers Viewed from the Perspective

of Inbound Solar Radiation

Hassan searched high and low, but he could find no one who

would issue him a license for Eric, his pet swordfish.

Swiss Army Pupil

The beachcomber was careful not to disturb the

nesting activity of the double-breasted shorebirds.

Dittoheads Celebrating Rush Limbaugh's Twentieth

Year of Excellence in Broadcasting

If it were possible for an artist to be a triple threat, it would

be Driftglass. The title of his latest exercise in intellectual

cleanliness is "Chains You Can Believe In." Ah, yes, 'President

McChain': has a certain Yuletide ring to it, doesn't it?

"Wanna know why your eyes are brown, El Toro?

It's because you're full of bullshit, that's why!"

Things Older Than John McCain #2

Henry Kissinger

The only thing scarier than a nest of vipers is a pit of Sousaphones.

Here's How in Seven Easy Steps

1. Light four candles at nightfall and place

them north, south, east, and west.

2. Place a glass of water at the base of each candle.

3. Place some fingernail clippings in

a copper bowl and ignite.

4. Place the bowl in the center of the four candles,

thereby completing the pentagram of negative space.

5. Lay a solid line of moist earth in a complete circle

around the candles.

6. On the outside of that circle, lay another

circle of common salt.

7. Then begin the incantation: "Johnny Jump Up!

Johnny Jump Up! Johnny Jump Up!"

GM Posts $15.5 Billion Loss, Changes Name to Buck Private Motors

If Obama is Paris Hilton,

McCain is Katherine Jean Lopez.

Since there's already a popular website devoted to things

younger than John McCain, there's an obvious need for a

website featuring

Things Older Than John McCain #1

Blessed Father Ġorġ Preca

Karl Rove says he creates political campaigns for people who

watch TV with their brains turned off. Uh-oh.

Deacon, Big Trunk, and Hindrocket Waiting

to Have a Beer with Hillary

Pope Benedict to Play Herbert Gottlieb in Remake of

A Night at the Opera

"And when we come back: has John McCain played the

poodle card with his latest 'Obama the Celebrity' ad?"

"But I thought you gave Senator McCain his Imodium!

Well, there'll be hell to pay if he, er, 'surges' on his

fancy Ferragamos again."

"Put down your Constitution!

You have 20 seconds to comply!"

In a startling display of apophasis -- the raising of an issue by

denying an intention to mention it -- McCain said: "Race will

not have any role in my campaign. There's no place for it

and we shouldn't be doing it."

"I've received $881,450 from Big Oil since I announced support

for offshore drilling. So, whoever said flip-flopping does not

pay, fire his ass!"

Rick and John began to realize that their Hell was

getting stuck--together-- in the elevator forever.

Do you sometimes get the feeling the United States

is sleepwalking into the Abyss?

Golden Retriever Adopts Tiger Cubs at Kansas Zoo;

Basset Hound Adopts Small Child at Local Pound

With a lead of only seven or eight points in the polls,

Senator Barack Obama announced today that he has

lost his mojo, that his race to the White House is

obviously hopeless, and that he is getting the hell

out of Dodge.

Marty the Organ Grinder and Jamie the Monkey

Entertaining Prospective TNR Subscriber

Something told Ram Singh his pet bear was backsliding again.

In the time it takes him to eat an ice cream bar, Warren

Buffet, the world's richest man, makes more money than

most people earn in a year.

"Ooooh, what a night! What's for breakfast, Mom?"

Vlad the Inhaler Ascending the Stairway to the Stars

Exxon Mobil Reports Largest Quarterly Profit in U.S. History

---Works Out to Be $1,485.55 a Second---

The fiendish orb had returned. And this

time, it meant business.

Personal Jet Pack Flies at Speeds of Up to 186 MPH

(Even in a 20-MPH Zone)

Among the old lady's many virtues was patience.

Forty years later it paid off.

Old justice pretended to be blind.

New justice doesn't even pretend.

In a better world, this would be

considered child abuse.

Translated into Italian, 'Beijing 2008' means 'Lasciate

ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate'. Translated into English,

it means 'Abandon all hope, ye who enter here'.

"I want to again urge all Americans to wear sunscreen and

stay out of the sun as much as possible. And, oh, I don't know

what happened to my flag pin. It must've fallen off after Cindy

and I decided to risk our lives by visiting the Pumpjack National

Monument on a bright, sunny day."

John McCain went negative. Since he was already negative

to start with, he began negating a negation and became

positive he's negative. (Or something to that effect.)

44-Pound Cat Needs to Find New Republican Home