He was going to find that Ant Lion if it took all day.

The coolest thing about the new Ted Cruz

to the Future Comic Coloring Activity

Book is that it's already white and 

doesn't need to be colored.

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #90

Darkman 4:  My Life with the Krokodil Kardashians

Dead Yemenis Say:  "They hate us for our weddings."

"Argghhh!  I'm the product of Intelligent Design!"

"La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Ya no puede caminar
Porque no tiene, porque le falta
Marijuana que fumar." 

David Vitter supporting legislation to protect 'traditional 

marriage' is like an arsonist supporting legislation to 

subsidize the fireproofing industry.

'Rove Brags That He Knows a Woman with 

Tattoos Who Won't Be Voting Democrat'

Warm Scuzzies #437

G. Dick Miller

Speaker Boehner Makes His Move in Game of 'Rock, 

Paper, Scissors' with Teabaggers

"Forefathers?"

"No, faux pas."

Happy Jason Voorhees Memorial Day!

Breaking News Mashups #7

'Beyonce Shocks World by Stealing

 Remnants of Buddha's Body'

No, Megyn, Santa doesn't have to be

white and he doesn't have to smoke

Lucky Strikes.

Dweebs, Dorks, and Doofuses #36

Mark Halperin

Whiteworld #16

Megyn Kelly's Jesus is even whiter than she is.

Gretchen Carlson Gets Goosed by

PBR Festivus Pole

When someone is so nuts that even Louie Gohmert won't

endorse him, you know it must be Steve Stockman.

"Remember Duke Keomuka, Secretary Sebelius?  

Remember the 'Stomach Claw'?"

"OK, it's a deal, Peggy:  I'll loan you Bedtime for Bonzo 

and you'll loan me High Noonan."

Q:  "Can you glue your lips together with Krazy Glue?"

A: "Probably.  But don't try it."

Little Known Fact #46

While it is not true he suffers from Otisophobia (fear of 

elevators), it is true Rand Paul suffers from Muzakophobia 

(fear of elevator music).

"I want my free tacos or somebody is going to die!"

"The Tea Party sets an impossible standard.  I'm already

'Big Bad John' and I can't get any bigger or badder!"

"Neville Chamberlain shook hands with Adolf Hitler, Barack

Obama shook hands with Raúl Castro, and I picked Sarah

Palin to be Vice President of the United States.  We are

only human after all."

The coldest spot on Earth has been found.  It's in 

Dick Cheney's chest, where the temperature is

-138° Fahrenheit year-round.

'Springtime for Hitila' (Tila Tequila Remix)

"George, what's it like to have a Type Z Personality?"

President Obama Shakes Hand of President Castro,

Gets Cooties

The Potrzebie Prize #20

Pat Mullins, Chairman of the Virginia Republican Party,

Acclaimed for Discerning "Obama's So Close to Death"

Terry McAuliffe Ought to Take Out a Life Insurance 

Policy on Him

Tommy Lee Jones had dismissed the concept of metem-

psychosis out of hand until the day someone pointed out

he was a dead ringer for former President Andrew John-

son.  That's when he began to lose sleep, worrying about

impeachment.

The Unexpurgated Bible #94

"O Lord, there are 5,000 hungry people here.  Why do you

not feed them?"  And Jesus said unto him, "Sorry, but a 

local ordinance forbids the distribution of free food that 

hasn't been assessed for its salt, fat, and fiber content."

Rush Limbaugh Demonstrates His Foolproof

Technique for Stopping Women's Breasts from

Staring at His Eyes

"We have to earn our wings every day."

Haben Sie einen schönen Tag!

Fox News Headline #5

'Man Is Eating More Meat'

"Jim Baker says I regretted vetoing the Comprehensive

Anti-Apartheid Act of 1986.  Someone needs to warn him

that it's lies like that which landed me where I am today."

World's Worst Yobs #294

Joel Pollak

"What can I say?  Tucker Carlson is laughing at his own dick

 joke, and Clayton Morris is staring at my breasts.  I'm Anna

Kooiman and I must be on Fox & Friends Weekend."

Two-Minute Haters #36

Grant Chisholm