Angry Birds

Wacko Birds

Warm Scuzzies #376

Juan Williams

Grandpa Walnuts and the Smartass Kid Who 

Won't Get Off His Lawn

"Black smoke say, 'No pope yet', kemo sabe."

All-Male Birth Control Panel Less Than Enthusiastic 

About International Women's Day

There's a right way and there's a wrong way to 

weigh a Java Sparrow. This is the right way.

"He tells me he's going to see STS9 tonight at the 

House of Blues and wants to remind everyone to

 wear their dancing shoes."

Warm Scuzzies #375

James Steele

Zombie O'Keefe Pays $100,000 to Settle with 

Former ACORN Employee Whose Brain He 

Partially Ate

World's Worst Yobs #279

Mark Gauvreau Judge

Warm Scuzzies #374

Nelson, Georgia

Why do some people have to

take tête-à-tête so literally?

OK, let's assume we agree that Water-Boarding 

is controversial, maybe even torture.  But 

what about Pizza-Ironing-and-Blowing?

 "See, it's like I told you before:  you don't have to be

catty to get ahead in life."

Back in the Black-and-White Days When 

Same-Sex Marriage Was Forbidden

Even if you're never quite fearful or paranoid enough,

that's no reason to panic, because Representative

Peter King (R-NY) has your back.

For years, it had been unclear why Senator

 John McCain was called 'Grandpa Walnuts', 

instead of 'Grandpa Hazelnuts'.

"Of course, Roy, there will be anticommunists who will,

in the future, pretend to talk like---even look like--me.

 But, don't be fooled.  Take, for example, Ted Cruz, 

that Ivy League-educated Senator from Texas.  He 

will never amount to much. Perhaps, if he's lucky

 and to speak musicologically, he may become 

the lead singer in a cover band of my greatest

 hits."

First, imagine gods who enjoy watching humans bow 

their heads.  That's easy.  Second, imagine humans who 

enjoy watching gods bow their heads.  That's hard.  

Third, imagine a world in which neither gods nor 

humans enjoy watching anyone or anything bow

their heads.  That's almost impossible.

"Saxby, I don't blame you for retiring from the Senate.

Had you run for another term and won, you probably

would have been targeted by one of the sleeper cells

Saul Alinsky created before he died over 40 years ago."

Local Woman Blames Pee-Wee Herman

for Scotch-Taped-Face Addiction

"Hey!  Whatever happened to Sarah Palin,

 my favorite quotable rogue?"  

Little Known Fact #33

Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dalí i Domènech, 

1st Marqués de Dalí de Pubol's life was cut short 

when his moustache got stuck in an infinite loop.

Eraserhead

Escherhead

Although the new anti-drone Stealth Burqa

 will set you back $2,278.35, it may well 

keep you alive if you someday end up on 

President Obama's Enemies List. 

According to a new poll, Catholics in the United States 

are demanding a hip, young pope.  Well, that should

disqualify Ross Douthat, because though young, he's

definitely not hip.

"When I imagine an extraordinary circumstance in which it 

would be necessary and appropriate under the Constitution 

and applicable laws of the United States for the President 

to authorize the military to use lethal force within the 

territory of the United States, my whole body gets hard."

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #479

Ted Gassman

World's Worst Jobs #130

English Thamesside Busker

"I knew Joe McCarthy, and Senator Cruz, 

you're no Joe McCarthy!"

"I love to eat, I love to kill, I love to rock, 

and it's all one big spiritual orgy!"

You'll be happy to know that, come April 25, the 

TSA will allow you to carry your Wiffle Bat with 

you when you fly.

Unlike last year's Jeb Bush, this year's 

John Ellis Bush favors a path to 

citizenship for America's illegal 

immigrants.

What to Pack in Your Knapsack When

 Following the Path to Citizenship

Hash Flag

Is it tragic that the Mask of Tragedy 

looks so tragic?  Or is it comic because

it looks like Willie Lump Lump?

"Gotta say this ballpoint pen is 

the best I've ever smelled."

Stephen Harper, the Prime Minister of Canada, has

perfect hair.  Even his most ardent opponents don't

deny this.

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a 

child?' Well, no.  Back then, I was the lead 

guitarist in a Sex Pistols tribute band."

New Study Shows Pessimists Live Longer than Optimists

and Get the Last Laugh

Ed Orcutt (R-WA) says that if we would all stop breathing, 

we would stop emitting more carbon dioxide than walkers,

 cyclists, or cars.  And, as a result, we could solve the 

problem of global warming faster than Tool can play

'Lateralus'.

Knit Wit

And then the day came when it was no longer called 

'Procreation' or 'Reproduction':  it was called 

'Populating Backup Sets'.

Bane Sez:  “It kills me not to be there,

 not to be in the White House doing 

what needs to be done:  bringing people

 together, doing the deals, doing the 

trades, knocking the heads together."

[Yeah, especially knocking the heads

together.]

Judging from his Twitter pic, John Hawkins has

become the new International Man of Mystery.

On reliable authority it has been reported that the 

flavor of pepperoni has changed in Lunchables.  It

 is not known at this time whether the horse meat

scare has anything to do with this destablizing

development.

What Makes Assad Tick

Lech Walesa Celebrates Solidarity with Ann and Mitt

After Saying Gays Should Sit at the Back of Parliament,

Behind a Wall