"Mr. President, are you ready for another 'My Pet Goat' moment?"

"Whoa, Ma, you're draggin' high center!"

At the time of his apprehension, the Japanese construction

worker had 4,400 pieces of burgled women's underwear in

his possession. Asked what his motive was, the thief said,

"It's unmentionable."

Time's Rick Stengel is so full of himself that if he were any

fuller, he would turn inside out and become an empty suit.

Before he was indicted for war crimes, Radovan

Karadzic had been the odds-on favorite to become

the next president of Hair Club for Men.

"Contrary to what my opponents are claiming,

I have never said my ancestors were at the

Boston Tea Party. I said they were at the

Mormon Tea Party."

The crowd became ill-tempered and unruly when it

learned this wasn't the last train to Clarksville.

Fox News Hires New 'Unfair and Unbalanced'

Political Analyst

Finalists in the World Aquatic Smooching Championship

When Robert Mugabe was a boy, he was the schoolyard bully

who beat kids up unless they gave him their lunch money. At

age 83, he is still doing the same thing.

Winning is such sweet sorrow.

As the aerial depth charge approached, Arnaldo and Miklos

had doom written all over their faces.

What do you do when you need a lift and don't

have cab fare? Ask Chancellor Merkel.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

this is your captain speaking. I don't

want to alarm you, but I would swear

I just saw a cow jump over the moon."

The tawdry props on stage in the Jenin Political Theatre

made the Palestinian drama critic want to throw up.

"Whose idea was it to observe 'Young Combatants

Day' anyway?"

Gulliver's Luggage

"Please turn your head and cough."

What Happens WhenYou Put On Your Makeup

and Get Dressed in the Dark

MC Rove Performing "Big Booty Hoes Been

Rappin' My Rap Sheet"

"Not only that, Chris, but if you've seen Last Best Chance, you

know I have experience playing a President who combats

terrorism. Not even Ronald Reagan could say that when

he ran for President."

If you intend to keep $206 million in small bills at home,

you'll need to consider adding a room.

That's when the crowd roared in unison, "We'd rather

watch Surya skate naked than wear fur!"

"Hmmm," mused Svetlana Ganina. "This must be what

Kant called the 'ding an sich'."

Baby Snookums Held Hostage by Rogue Politician

Notorious P.I.G. Hamming It Up at Correspondents Dinner

After licking the monster Cane Toad, this resident of Darwin,

Australia, said: "See, nothing to it, he's not such a toughy."

"The Straight Talk Express seems to have run out of gas.

Does anybody have the number for AAA Roadside Assistance?"

Senator McCain Credits Iraq Surge for Making It

Safe to Hunt and Fish in Baghdad Neighborhoods

Filipino President Slaying Colossal Strawberry Monster

If your bill were cold, wouldn't you do the same thing?

"Good morning, Goldie!"

"Good morning, Goldie!"

"How are you doing?"

"Fine."

"How are you doing?"

"Fine."

"See you later."

"See you later."

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

"I may be small, but I can talk your ear off."

Visonary Entrepreneur Selling Sweets to Sour Cops

Michael Phelps Wins World Freestyle Splashing Competition

China's Renowned Synchronized Prison Dining Team in Action

Henry Kissinger has finally encountered a law even he

cannot break: the Second Law of Thermodynamics.

Ethanol Guzzler Helmet

"There are neighborhoods in Baghdad today where you and

I could walk safely. To name just one, there's Mr. Rogers'

Neighborhood, especially when you're on Sesame Street."

World's Worst Yobs #4

Glenn Beck

Egyptian Head of State Taking It Easy

China's President Hu Jintao couldn't understand

why the Russian soldiers were so snooty.

Do the people who make mortar shells ever have bad

dreams about little boys on a Baghdad street?

"That's Lady Kia to you, you candyass mofo!"

This protester believes his disguise is so effective

his own mother won't recognize him.

Monica Goodling had been warned against drinking the

Koolaid. But she was confident her Ralph Lauren Tee would

counteract any adverse side effects.

World's Worst Yobs #3

Michael Savage

The drag coefficient of a baby lemur is 2.1, which effectively

prevents the mother from making an unassisted takeoff.

Mother Trying to Get Her Ducks in a Row

Couchless Potato