"Smells like you're using the new Right Guard Xtreme

Powerstripe Anti-Perspirant, Neil."

"Yeah, Sara, Karl says it offers the ultimate in

long-lasting protection."

Mormon Tabernacle Undergoing Mittamorphosis

"Did I hear someone say, 'I need to bleed my lizard?'"

Hula Hoop Champ Sidelined by Injury; "She Has

Developed a Hitch in Her Getalong," Doctors Say

"Regrettably, Ronald Reagan can't make it today, Lady

Thatcher. It seems he has been overtaken by events."

"I said, YOU NEED TO CLEAN YOUR SHIELD!!!"

"Some have suggested I shave my head. Were I to do that,

hundreds of journalists would be thrown out of work overnight."

"The people of Las Vegas are taking next month off.

You know, it's 130 degrees out there in August."

It's true, folks! Posh Spice does wear a secret decoder ring.

New research has confirmed what has long been suspected:

boys are born with a rock-throwing gene.

"Just humor the old sot. He thinks he's the only thing

holding the wall up."

Duck Doesn't Duck, Gets Pucked

In retirement, Jacques Chirac has more time to look pensive.

"Look at it this way, pussycat. It's not your

fault the mice will play while you're away."

"And always look on the bright side of life,

Always look on the right side of life.

Come on guys, cheer up!"

"Can you tell us, Ms. Taylor, just how long your lips

have been sealed?"

"Look, I'm a Sun Bear. So what do you expect me to

do on a rainy day? Smile?"

A Scene from the Torocross World Championship

Opening Ceremony of the Annual Hula Hoopathon

Recently-Declassified Photograph #4

Thermal Imaging Camera Captures Bush Bubble on Film

At the end of day, the Son of Cain sank slowly in the west.

"It turns out my gut feeling about an al-Qaida attack

this summer was nothing more than a flashback to the

day my proctologist said, 'Bend over, Mike, this may

hurt just a little bit'."

Blank Slate #2

Top Stories for July 12, 2007

"Am I Raising Eco-Snobs?"

"What We Learned at the Bartender Convention"

"Do Kids Need a Summer Vacation?"

"The Case of the Diamond Dildo"

"Anti-Climax"

"Pardon me, boys, but I need to put out this brushfire

war before it erupts into a full-scale conflagration."

"No, Senator Leahy, I am NOT Ann Althouse's twin sister!

But we do use the same hairdresser."

"It won't be much longer, Xenu, before the George 
Bush simulacrum sheds its skin and we complete 
the takeover of the United States begun in 1947."

"The Catholic Church is the one true church established by
Jesus Christ. Other Christian denominations are defective
because they don't have a Pope, namely, me."

Bob Allen, Republican State Representative and Co-Chair

of John McCain's Florida Campaign, Holds Fundraiser in

Titusville Men's Restroom

Even lobsters get the blues.

"Come right on in, Mr. President. Tonight you'll

be sleeping in the Katrina White House."

State Representative Bob Allen (R-FL) says that his arrest

for solicitation to commit prostitution was the result of

a 'misunderstanding'. "The undercover cop said I offered

to give him a blow job for $20. He must've mistaken me for

an illegal immigrant if he thought I worked that cheap."

PeeWee's finest hour was the day he joined Thongmasters.

From childhood, she had been kept on a very short leash.

"Whoa! I didn't realize the end of the world was this close."

Veepenstein #14

When the Baron needs to travel above ground, he uses

a hot-air balloon modeled after one of his heroes.

The carnage in Iraq is enough to make even a statue weep.

And suddenly there shined round about him a light

from heaven. And he heard a voice saying unto him, "Ben,

Ben, why confuseth thou me by saying 'inflation expectations

appear to remain imperfectly anchored'?"

"Were you aware, Ms. Taylor, that you said 'ya know' every

23 seconds in your testimony before this Committee today?"

"I took an oath. And I take that oath to the

President very seriously. And, no, I can't

remember what I had for breakfast a week ago."

Things to Avoid #2

Bulljacking

World's Worst Jobs #48

Chinese Fish Kill Cleanup Worker

"Did you read the reports about FBI abuses of civil 
liberties?"

"I don't recall."

"Did you lie to Congress when you testified, 'There has 
not been one verified case of civil liberties abuse 
by the FBI'?"

"I don't recall."

"When was the last time you remembered anything
 at all?"

"I don't recall."

"As I was saying, Frederik, size is relative, a function

of perspective. You, for instance, look pretty tall

until the corn is as high as an elephant's eye. Then

you look pretty short. I, for instance, look pretty

short until Rick Moranis shrinks the kids. Then

I look like Christ the Redeemer, one of the

Seven Wonders of the World."

"Chick-fil-A®? Definitely overrated, if you ask me!"

"Oh, my darling Prince Harry, can you keep a secret?"

"You'd better have the vet check your Musculus

orbicularis oris, dear. You're definitely developing

a smirk just like George Bush's."

Utah is a nice place to visit. But if you stay there too long, you

run the risk of turning into a moral husk, like Orrin Hatch.

Pine Snake Still Using Eco-Unfriendly Lighting Technology

"These are supersensitive mikes, Vlad. So if

I cut one right now, it will be a Fartissimo!"

"My Dad says it hit a benchmark and blew up."