Saturday, March 17, 2007

Honeybee Being Trained to Sniff Out the Latest
Terror Weapon, Exploding Q-Tips

After showing up at the Scooter Libby trial on crutches,
Tim Russert said, "This is the third most humbling day
in my life. The second was in 2005, when it was revealed
I recycle my commencement addresses. The first was in 1985,
when I was granted a private audience with the Holy Father
and he kept calling me 'Little Big Russ'."
When Victoria Toensing appeared before a House
committee yesterday,

the temperature in the hearing room was
described as being a tad frosty.
Kylie Minogue threw her back out when she lifted a
gallon jug of her new perfume, Darling.

"Sir, this demonstrator's boots aren't eco-friendly.
Should I arrest him?"
Those door-to-door representatives of the Watchtower Bible
and Tract Society seem to be a lot pushier than they used to be.

Friday, March 16, 2007

When Valerie Plame Wilson appeared before Congress today,

the Capitol's aging pulchritudometer stripped its gears,
moaned softly, and went numbers up.

Speedy Gonzales

Seedy Gonzales
"Is homosexuality immoral? Well, some of my friends say
Yes and some of my friends say No. Who am I to disagree
with my friends?"
Why isn't a bartender called a 'drug dealer'?

When a White House spokesman referred to the Attorney
General as "a stand-up guy" the other day, it reflected the fact
Alberto Gonzales has been asked on several occasions to "stand
up" when he wasn't sitting down.
9/11 Mastermind Admits He Lacks Masterbody

New US Attorney Vows to "Serve at the Pleasure
of the President--and Then Some"

Thursday, March 15, 2007

In the world of lemurs, broccoli is a gateway drug

to the hard stuff.

The swimmer had been told some mad scientist had
dumped hydrofluoric acid in the pool. But the swimmer
said, "Do you think I was born yesterday?" and dived in.
The list of Bush Administration officials being
subpoenaed to appear before Congressional
committees is growing longer by the day.
"Is homosexuality immoral? Well, I'm really
not an expert on that issue, like General Pace,
so I'd rather not say. But if you were to ask me,
'Is bacon immoral?', I would have to say, 'Yes'."
Had General Peter Pace lived in the nineteenth century,
his head would have been a phrenologist's dream.

"Hmmm, Harriet thinks I'm the smartest man she's
ever met. That's cool. Maybe I should tell her she's
the most beautiful woman I've ever met."
"I think you're right, Luis. Somebody's been
taking unauthorized leaks again."
In China, on the International Day for Consumer's
Rights and Interests, you are encouraged to regress to
childhood and throw a hissy fit if you have a complaint.
This man, for instance, is bawling like a baby because
he was sold a defective air conditioner.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Helen Mirren was fated to bear a strong resemblance to
Queen Elizabeth. So she turned fate to her advantage
by winning an Academy Award for Best Actress for her
performance in The Queen. It was a textbook example
of turning a sow's ear into a silk purse.
Though Poles apart, their countrymen had a difficult time
telling who was the President and who was the Prime Minister.

Sometimes, to get what you need in a timely
 fashion, you have to go straight to the source.

Ostrich Chick Unsure Hatching Is a Good Idea

Fox News Headline #1
'WHY DO LIBERALS FAVOR RESURRECTING
YASSER ARAFAT FROM THE DEAD?'
"The President has all the confidence in the world
in Alberto Gonzales as the Attorney General for the
United States of America," said the spokesman. That's
when the Attorney General knew somebody was about
to stick a fork in him to see if he was done.
Chancellor Merkel was very coy when asked why she was
playing with Chuck Berry's ding-a-ling.

"Oh look, Mr. President. They finished the wall while
you've been here in Mexico. Do you think the
Norteamericanos are trying to tell you something?"
"Did you see the big rock that penguin got for her engagement?"
"Yeah, it makes Liz Hurley's look pretty cheesy!"
World's Worst Jobs #30
Kolkatan Scrap Metal Collector

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

"Since you don't speak Arabic and I don't speak Russian,
it's safe for me to say, 'May Allah's curse rend you in twain,
you smirking morphadite infidel!'"
Laura Bush Reads Kitten's First Full Moon to
Colombian Students, Sparks Small-Scale Riot
World's Worst Jobs #29
Chinese Metal Fragment Pulverizer
Trent Lott, Mitch McConnell, Jon Kyl, John Cornyn:
Four Characters in Search of a Plot
Former senator Zell Miller believes abortion is the
cause of today's military manpower shortage, Social
Security crisis, and illegal immigration. He also
believes that raising your right arm and saying, "Sieg
Heil," just means "Have a nice day."
Ingvar Kamprad, multibillionaire founder of IKEA,
likes to wear baby hats. He says they make him feel
80 years younger.
Burqa à la Française
Happiness is a warm thumb.
Karl Rove's Doppelgänger
"Do you think Alberto Gonzales is toast?"
"Nah, he's more like a soggy biscuit."

Monday, March 12, 2007

Reveller in Santa Domingo Wearing Mask Designed
by Jackson Pollock

"Just put your lips together and blow."
Things to Avoid #1

Amateur Mammograms

Curbside Ear Cleaning

Free Circumcisions