Honeybee Being Trained to Sniff Out the Latest

Terror Weapon, Exploding Q-Tips

After showing up at the Scooter Libby trial on crutches,

Tim Russert said, "This is the third most humbling day

in my life. The second was in 2005, when it was revealed

I recycle my commencement addresses. The first was in 1985,

when I was granted a private audience with the Holy Father

and he kept calling me 'Little Big Russ'."

When Victoria Toensing appeared before a House

committee yesterday,

the temperature in the hearing room was

described as being a tad frosty.

Kylie Minogue threw her back out when she lifted a

gallon jug of her new perfume, Darling.

"Sir, this demonstrator's boots aren't eco-friendly.

Should I arrest him?"

Those door-to-door representatives of the Watchtower Bible

and Tract Society seem to be a lot pushier than they used to be.

When Valerie Plame Wilson appeared before Congress today,

the Capitol's aging pulchritudometer stripped its gears,
moaned softly, and went numbers up.

Speedy Gonzales

Seedy Gonzales

"Is homosexuality immoral? Well, some of my friends say

Yes and some of my friends say No. Who am I to disagree

with my friends?"

Why isn't a bartender called a 'drug dealer'?

When a White House spokesman referred to the Attorney

General as "a stand-up guy" the other day, it reflected the fact

Alberto Gonzales has been asked on several occasions to "stand

up" when he wasn't sitting down.

9/11 Mastermind Admits He Lacks Masterbody

New US Attorney Vows to "Serve at the Pleasure

of the President--and Then Some"

In the world of lemurs, broccoli is a gateway drug

to the hard stuff.

The swimmer had been told some mad scientist had

dumped hydrofluoric acid in the pool. But the swimmer

said, "Do you think I was born yesterday?" and dived in.

The list of Bush Administration officials being

subpoenaed to appear before Congressional

committees is growing longer by the day.

"Is homosexuality immoral? Well, I'm really

not an expert on that issue, like General Pace,

so I'd rather not say. But if you were to ask me,

'Is bacon immoral?', I would have to say, 'Yes'."

Had General Peter Pace lived in the nineteenth century,

his head would have been a phrenologist's dream.

"Hmmm, Harriet thinks I'm the smartest man she's

ever met. That's cool. Maybe I should tell her she's

the most beautiful woman I've ever met."

"I think you're right, Luis. Somebody's been

taking unauthorized leaks again."

In China, on the International Day for Consumer's

Rights and Interests, you are encouraged to regress to

childhood and throw a hissy fit if you have a complaint.

This man, for instance, is bawling like a baby because

he was sold a defective air conditioner.

Helen Mirren was fated to bear a strong resemblance to

Queen Elizabeth. So she turned fate to her advantage

by winning an Academy Award for Best Actress for her

performance in The Queen. It was a textbook example

of turning a sow's ear into a silk purse.

Though Poles apart, their countrymen had a difficult time

telling who was the President and who was the Prime Minister.

Sometimes, to get what you need in a timely
 fashion, you have to go straight to the source.

Ostrich Chick Unsure Hatching Is a Good Idea

Fox News Headline #1

'WHY DO LIBERALS FAVOR RESURRECTING
YASSER ARAFAT FROM THE DEAD?'

"The President has all the confidence in the world

in Alberto Gonzales as the Attorney General for the

United States of America," said the spokesman. That's

when the Attorney General knew somebody was about

to stick a fork in him to see if he was done.

Chancellor Merkel was very coy when asked why she was

playing with Chuck Berry's ding-a-ling.

"Oh look, Mr. President. They finished the wall while

you've been here in Mexico. Do you think the

Norteamericanos are trying to tell you something?"

"Did you see the big rock that penguin got for her engagement?"

"Yeah, it makes Liz Hurley's look pretty cheesy!"

World's Worst Jobs #30

Kolkatan Scrap Metal Collector

"Since you don't speak Arabic and I don't speak Russian,

it's safe for me to say, 'May Allah's curse rend you in twain,

you smirking morphadite infidel!'"

Laura Bush Reads Kitten's First Full Moon to

Colombian Students, Sparks Small-Scale Riot

World's Worst Jobs #29

Chinese Metal Fragment Pulverizer

Trent Lott, Mitch McConnell, Jon Kyl, John Cornyn:

Four Characters in Search of a Plot

Former senator Zell Miller believes abortion is the

cause of today's military manpower shortage, Social

Security crisis, and illegal immigration. He also

believes that raising your right arm and saying, "Sieg

Heil," just means "Have a nice day."

Ingvar Kamprad, multibillionaire founder of IKEA,

likes to wear baby hats. He says they make him feel

80 years younger.

Burqa à la Française

Happiness is a warm thumb.

Karl Rove's Doppelgänger

"Do you think Alberto Gonzales is toast?"

"Nah, he's more like a soggy biscuit."

Reveller in Santa Domingo Wearing Mask Designed

by Jackson Pollock

"Just put your lips together and blow."

Things to Avoid #1

Amateur Mammograms

Curbside Ear Cleaning

Free Circumcisions