Ted Klaudt, 49, a former Republican state legislator from South Dakota,

has been arrested and charged with performing 'ovary checks' and

'breast exams' on two teenage girls. Additional charges of 'playing

doctor' and 'being a big fat idiot' are pending.

The Three Blind Mice were very subdued after their role in the

Farmer's Wife Affair was exposed.

Asked if he would consider replacing Paul McNulty as

Deputy Attorney General, Viet Dinh, a former senior Justice

Department official, replied, "I’d rather trade places

with Jose Padilla!"

Drudge Report Funnies #2

"Bright idea creates '25-hour day'"

"Did you hear, George, what Jimmy Carter said about my

support for you? He said it was 'Abominable. Loyal. Blind.

Apparently subservient'. He's a good example of what the

Nobel Peace Prize does to your manhood. It turns you into

a nancy-boy."

Marco Evaristti would like to invite you over for a can of

meatballs made with his own fat. You can also duck his

sick while you're there.

Xebra Hybrid Car Operates on Cornstalks, 
Leaves, and Twigs

Picture of NSA Engaged in Warrantless Wiretapping

Chameleons Love Cricket and Other Wild Games

Do you ever have the feeling you're surrounded by asses?

This young man undoubtedly has.

Drudge Report Funnies #1

"400-Pound Gorilla Injures 4 in Zoo in Brief Escape"

"By my calculation, Speed, if we push the Mach 5 to the limit,

we can drop Pops' pants off at the cleaners, pick up some

bananas for Chim Chim at Wal-Mart, take Spritle to baseball

practice, have Sparky change the oil, stop at the post office

to mail Trixie's birthday card, and still beat Racer X to the

finish line by, say, a good five to ten hundredths of a second."

DNA Tests Link Rudy Giuliani to Fifteenth-Century Dominican,

Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada

When Blackie asked if he could invite some

'really cool cats' over for dinner, his Mom said OK.

The rooster sensed the BBQ pit did not bode well for his future.

U. S. Army Forced to Lower the Bar for Sharpshooter Recruits

Rudy Giuliani to Wear Bernie Kerik As Body Armor

Throughout Presidential Campaign

Jerry Falwell Reincarnated As White Velvet Painting

Sarko the Giant After Someone Yelled,

"Simon Says, Take Two Baby Steps!"

In the wake of the Virginia Tech massacre, Palestinians

have voted to allow students to carry weapons to school.

Pointing a loaded finger at his head, Gordon Brown says he

will hold himself hostage until he is named Prime Minister

of England.

Jerry Seinfeld, Star of New Movie, The Pollinator

For Sale, Cheap

Lot of 3 Uncaptioned Photos of Ex-President of World Bank

President Bush suddenly stopped speaking and clamped his

mouth shut. He had finally realized every word he spoke was

highly classified.

"I categorically deny that an ostrich's eye is bigger than

its brain. That's like saying Karl Rove is bigger than

Bush's brain. How impossible is that?"

Does self-preservation always trump self-respect?

Well, in the case of Alberto R. Gonzales, it certainly has.

Asks Fred Hiatt, editorial page editor of the Washington Post,

"Why is it only now that the disturbing story of the Bush

administration's willingness to override the legal advice of its

own Justice Department is emerging?" Why, Fred? Because

it's difficult to see what's going on when you're always in

President Bush's back pocket.

"Punxsutawney Phil, do you believe in God?"

"Which one?"

"Why, the Only One!"

"Oh, that God. Most definitely not . . . but I do believe in Phil Connors."

Petra Man Gets His Ass in a Crack

If water turning into wine is such a big deal,

what about caterpillars turning into butterflies?

Last Stop in Gulliver's Travels

"You might not ever get rich

But let me tell ya it's better than diggin' a ditch.

There ain't no tellin' who ya might meet

A movie star or may be even an Indian chief.

Workin' at the car wash.

Workin' at the car wash, yeah!"

Model Dreaming She's Appearing in Public

Not Fully Clothed

Ten-month-old Howard Ludwig is the proud owner of a 12-gauge

Beretta shotgun and his very own Firearm Owner's Identification

Card. Bubba, his father (in the blue shirt), says he's happy to

have brought such a law-abiding citizen into the world.

The faster he pedaled, the closer the creature

from Aliens seemed to get.

"Well, if you ask me, I think Paul Wolfowitz and Alberto

Gonzales ought to be turned over to the Spanish Inquisition.

As I understand, they would be used as firewood to burn Karl

Rove at the stake."

Zhou Xiaochuan, head of the People's Bank of China, 

won't admit it, but he actually finds stacking money 

to be extremely boring.

Chinese Find Giant Bird's Nest on Ground,

Decide to Use It As National Olympic Stadium

Who wants a toy gun when you can have the real thing?

"If you don't stop sticking your tongue out at me,

I'm not going to give you the blessing of San Anton.

And I told you to raise your right foot, not left."

President Bush's Bike, Post Rapture

Sharp Elbows Come Out in GOP Debate

Instead of Heaven, God sent Jerry Falwell straight to Hell, Michigan.

"Hmmmm, maybe the President will hire me to be the mastermind

behind his 'Let's Fuck Up Iran, Too' strategy."

Paul Wolfowitz Upon Hearing the World Bank

Will Be Cashing Him Out

World's Worst Jobs #39

Eddie Van Halen's Personal Trainer

Dominique de Villepin has resigned as France's Prime Minister.

He says he hasn't yet decided what his next prank will be.