"Do you dress this way for Marcus, or do you have a

lot of Cougar fans in Iowa?"

Andrew Breitbart Needs to Undergo Upper Lip

Augmentation So That He Doesn't Appear to

Be Baring His Teeth All the Time

Said one observer:  "They warmed to each immediately and

were soon addressing each other on a first-name basis."

Geronimo Grater Slide Very Popular Attraction

at Mayberry R.F.D. Amusement Park

According to the latest New York Times/CBS poll, only

6% of the American people believe that the current

members of Congress should be re-elected.  So, in

2012, should we 'VOTE AGAINST EVERYBODY!' or

'VOTE FOR NOBODY!'?

Wizard of Oz Accused of Fearmongering

on Apple Jacks®

Conan the Librarian Sends Iowa Man to Jail for $770 in

Overdue Library Materials

The Mouse in House Harkonnen

Weeks After Wedding, Royal Lugnut Gropes Blonde

According to a new study, 20% of men never use shampoo or

deodorant.  You'll be happy to know that Commander Bighair

is not one of them. 

"Is it true, Mr. Trump, that when you dine with the Governor

of Texas, you call him 'Jim' and he calls you 'Melvin'?"

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #331

Robert K. Brown

New School Policy Allows Students to Communicate

Face-to-Face without Cellphone Intermediation

"Wonder what kind of material Joe McGinniss will gather while

 overlooking Piper's bedroom, my little garden, and the

family's swimming hole?"

Now we know.

Quoting James 2:16, Ron Paul said unto Kent Snyder,

his dying campaign manager,"Depart in peace, be ye

warmed and filled."

New Pew Poll Reveals That White Evangelical

Christians Are Less Likely Than Heathens

and Thieves to Reflect the Teachings of Jesus

The research powerhouse CERN "has embarked on an

experiment aimed at addressing whether or not comic

rays from deep space might be seeding clouds in Earth's

atmosphere, thereby influencing humor change.

Republicans, as usual, are skeptical."

George Buckley, CEO of 3M, Daydreaming

About Becoming the CEO of 4M

The first thing Jesus's disciples had to do was surrender all

their firearms.  As a result, from his original pool of potential

disciples, the number quickly dropped tenfold, from 120 to 12.

"Pardon me, ma'am, but is this your Wooly Booger?"

World's Worst Jobs #123

American Diabetes Manager

A spokesman for Tall Birds Against Perry 

said Thursday he has never forgotten when Rick

Perry--then Texas' Agriculture Commissioner--

said, "Breeding and processing emus represent

a new direction for Texas agriculture.  This is a

product that is raised, processed and manufactured

right here in Texas, which means we are keeping

jobs, opportunities and dollars at home working

for all Texans."  Just a few years later, the

Great Texas Emu Bubble burst, leaving

 Texas investors saying, "Charles Ponzi

was a saint, compared to Rick Perry!" 

"I really don't want to sell family Bibles for a living, Mr.

Broun, but if that's the only way you'll let me marry your

daughter, I'll do it."

Just moments after Pat Robertson said

Alzheimer's Disease was grounds for 

divorce, Dede, his wife, shouted,

"Hallelujah, praise Jehovah!"

and strode out the door.

Gollum Advises Obama to "Fire. Indict. Fight."

If, as Rick Perry is now saying, Social Security is a

'criminal enterprise', there are currently about 53,000,000

retired and disabled Americans who should be behind bars.

 Of course, building and operating enough prisons to keep

old and disabled people locked up will cost much more than 

leaving them on Social Security.  So, maybe they should just

be kept under house arrest.

Daydreamin' Fool on the Hill

There's racial slur-tinged sexual harassment, and then there's

racial slur-tinged sexual harassment by Larry Dominick,

Town President of Cicero, Illinois.  Ugh!

"I literally felt embarrassed for my country when its moral

authority was downgraded because of my eight years as

 Vice President of the United States."

Marriage Vow (Pat Robertson Version)

Q:  "How can you tell the difference between Congress

and lobbying firms?"

A:  "You can't.  That must be a trick question."

To get some idea of how tepid the support is for ANY of

the GOP candidates in the Republican clown car, consider

the latest Bloomberg poll where Rick Perry is leading

Mitt Romney, 26% to 22%, with the rest of the

field getting less than 10% each.  Keep in mind

ALL the respondents in this poll were Republicans

and Republican-leaning independents.  But not

 even they are getting hot and bothered by anyone

in the current crop of presidential wannabes. 

Louie Gohmert has introduced a jobs bill that eliminates

 all taxes on corporation and does not, he hastens to add,

increase regulations on snake handling.

"Michaele, my belle.

Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble,

Très bien ensemble."

Coulter on Palin: "Let’s Face It, She’s Probably Not Electable"

Palin on Coulter: "Let's Face It, She's Probably Not F**kable"

Michaele Salahi Not Dognapped: She's

in Journey Guitarist's Kennel

Tareq Salahi Tells Media His Bitch Has Been Dognapped

"If you're saying I can be bought for $5,000, I'm offended."

"What about $50,000?"

"I'm still offended."

"What about $500,000?"

"Now you're talkin'!"

Warm Scuzzies #217

Energy Future Holdings

"If I were you guys, I wouldn't let them use in your

upcoming debates the new camera system that

knows when you are lying."

Even if his campaign to win the GOP presidential nomination

fails, Jon Huntsman will still have the option to star in a new

cable TV sitcom, My Favorite Mormon.

With 46.2 million Americans now living below the poverty

line--the highest number in 52 years--Senator Rand Paul

 tells us not to worry, saying, "The rich are getting richer,

but the poor are getting richer even faster."

"The consensus after the latest GOP debate is that

I have got my jomo back."

Michele Bachmann Awarded Coveted

Derp Turban

Ron Paul Praises Kent Snyder, His 2008 Campaign Manager,

for his 'Sacrifices' for the 'Cause of Liberty', Including

Dying without Health Insurance and Leaving His Mother

with a $400,000 Hospital Bill

"Does the HPV vaccine cause retardation? I

have no idea. I am not a doctor. I am not a

scientist. I am not a physician. All I was

doing was reporting what a woman told me

 last night at the debate. In short, I'm just

a rumormonger."

"Pardon me, madam, but have you ever considered

donating your eggs?"

"Ya know, Glenn, with your new beard, you look like

an aging rock star, sorta like Sanjaya Malakar."

Don Surber says many people think Robert Stacy McCain

looks like Rod Stewart.  Yup, that's about right.