Not even God can change the truth.

"Are we in Wisconsin yet?"

"No, but we're getting closer."

"The shirt? It's from my Salvation Army Store collection."

Egyptian Tortoises Finally Recognized for Their Role in

Helping to Topple the Mubarak Regime

"I'm not only holier than thou,

I'm humbler than thou!"

Flag Desecration #42

"Do you have any idea how long I've waited to take revenge

on all those teachers who gave me C's in school?"

The First Thing You See When You Die and Go to

Ronald Reagan Heaven

Little Known Fact #12

Today is the 150th anniversary of Jefferson

Davis's inauguration as President of the

Tea Party States of America.

"If I have a government job and you don't, that must

mean I'm John Boehner and you're not. 

So be it, sucker!"

Funeral for Local Pigeon Being Unprotested by

the Westboro Baptist Church

On his home planet, Time's Alien of the

Year uses a different face and is known

as 'Putreep Hugwuffle'.

Have you met the new greeter at the Wal-Mart Insanitarium?

"Oh, no, it hurts so good I don't understand.

Heart beats heavy like a big bass drum,

I'm losing all equilibrium.

Infatuation - infatuation - infatuation."

Feds Drop Criminal Probe Against Angelo Mozilo

 for Impersonating the Mummy of Otzi the Iceman

The Unexpurgated Bible #48

"And then Isaac said unto Abraham his father, 'Explain

to me one more time how this is supposed to be a

shared sacrifice'.  I didn't get it the first time."

Glenn Beck Reveals Secret Headquarters of the

IslamoMarxist World Caliphate on Isle Royale

"If my Democratic colleagues in the House weren't

so arrogant, belligerent, dishonest, shameless, inept,

incompetent, hostile, petulant, and sophomoric, we

might get along just fine."

House Passes $60 Billion in Spending Cuts,

Tires of Masturbating,

Calls It a Day and Goes Home

"Sure, I was convicted on 12 counts of

 racketeering, money laundering, and

conspiracy.  But I don't think it would be

appropriate for me to be incarcerated in

 the Pennsylvania Child Care Detention

Center.  It costs at least $315 a day per

inmate over there, and I don't think

that would be a wise use of tax-

payer money in these tough times."

Senator DeMint couldn't tell if the rumbling sound he heard

was coming from the Muppet Lobby, or if it was just the

chimichanga he had eaten for lunch talking to him.

Being Bilingual May Ward Off Alzheimer's, But

Owingknay Igpay Atinlay Oesn'tday Ountcay

"Ray McGovern, I banish thee from this realm!  Take him

away, boys!"

North Korea announced today the merger of the Kim Jong-il

cult of personality with the Ronald Reagan cult of personality.

"This merger will be good for the two cults, as they will be

able to cut costs and better serve their members on a

global basis," said a spokesman for the Ronald Reagan

Presidential Foundation and Library in Simi Valley.

"No, baby, it's not 1955 and The Adventures of Ozzie and

Harriet isn't competing with us on primetime TV."

According to the Bible, only eight people were saved on

 the ark: Noah, his wife, his three sons---Shem, Ham, and

Japheth--and their wives. That's eight people. It  would be

fair to assume that these same eight people also built the

ark. (And keep in mind that Noah was 600 years old at

the time, with no Social Security). So, can you imagine

Noah and his family building the ark today, even with

$37 million in tax incentives from the state of Kentucky?

"Of course I oppose Planned Parenthood.  If it weren't for

unplanned parenthood, I wouldn't be here!"

"You may have seen my first film.  It was released in 1963

and was called The Saucy Aussie, with the tagline,  'Never

before anything this bold ... this daring!'  Righto, mate, those

were the days!  I didn't make much moolah back then, but it

was tits and ass, wall-to-wall!"

Recently-Declassified Photograph #23

Rush Limbaugh with His Mouth Closed

"Oh, hell yeah!  I'd love to bust the public employee unions

in Texas.  But we don't have any!"

Doctors Remove Knife from Rick Santorum's Head After

Four Years; "We Just Thought It Was His Nose,"

They Claim

"OK, here's my best offer. You give me back the $60 million I

spent out of my own pocket to buy the Florida governorship, 

and I'll offshore my crime operation to Grand Cayman."

"I was a liberal and didn't get any nookie, so I thought

I might have better luck as a conservative.  If this

doesn't work, I may try wearing a different hat."

Rude Rhymes #47

Aging Mussel

Debbie Schlussel

How would you like it if you were 'somebody' and close  

associates started saying of you, "He was manipulated

by Cheney"? Aren't you glad you're not 'somebody'?

The Minnesota governor had sent his personal wrecker

to assist Governor Walker in wrecking Wisconsin. But it

wrecked along the way. 

"If you want to know what I'm going to say next,

read the Wall Street Journal editorial page."

Sun, Boiling with Rage, Emits Largest Solar Flare in Four Years

Sadly, Governor Tea-Paw Bridgefail didn't

 know a loon was nesting in his right nostril.

"Thank you, Dr. Bieber, for sharing with

us your Canadian perspective on the

topic of abortion."

"I want to be compensated," says Silvio's underage squeeze, 

"for having been hurt so much. And all the golddigging in the

world would not be enough!"

"In your opinion, Ms. Palin, what path should

the nation follow toward job creation?  And,

 oh, by the way, your hemline complements

your Carrie Bradshaw-style leopard-print

heels quite nicely!"

"Obama's birth certificate is distracting. It gets annoying.

Let’s stick with what really matters:  breastfeeding!"

White House to Be Certified 'Intern-Free' Before

Anticipated March 5 Government Shutdown

Great Misadventures in Science #5

Wrong Patient Gets Kidney Stone Transplant
at USC Hospital

Team Builds Anti-Taser That 'Reverses the Charges'

Kentucky County Gives Smoking

Finger to Restaurant and Bar

Tobacco Ban

Warm Scuzzies #146

John Woods

Law & Order

Special Police Brutality Unit

                   Wednesdays 10/9c