Greedheads Galore #8

Dan Loeb

Warm Scuzzies #127

Britt Harris

Larry Falter Sez:  "Remember:  diamonds are forever!"

"So what if only 11% of the public gives the Senate

 good or excellent marks. The public be damned!"

"Majority rule? Where in the Constitution does it

say anything about 'majority rule'?

"I love me some popcorn," says Terrell Owens.

Are suicide bombers just suicidal? 

If so, what's with the bombs?

Facebook Founder Says Winklevoss Twins Suffer

from 'Onomastic Remorse'

World's Ugliest Dog Blames Parents for Chasing Off

Orthodontist

A new poll of West Virginia's mountaintops shows they

favor the removal of Don Blankenship by a ratio

of almost 100 to 1 (the mountaintop on which he
lives being understandably ambivalent.)

Did you hear what happened when Barack Obama and Bill

Clinton got tired of squaring with each other and started

triangulating?

How Donald Trump Gets Hair for His Comb Over

"Yes, it's true you have a wife, two kids, and a really nice 
Igloo cooler.  But we work for Drop Zone Security and
have three semi-automatic handguns pointed at your head.
 So we advise you to say, 'Joe Miller wuz robbed!'  OK?"

"Yes, Justice Roberts, it would be better if there were nine,

rather than only five, Catholics on the Supreme Court. But, as
the Holy Father teaches us, we must cultivate the virtue of
patience."

When asked if she had to choose between keeping her father

out of a Nigerian prison or receiving $500 million tax-free,
Liz Cheney replied, "Like that famous ethicist, Jack Benny,
once said, 'I'm thinking it over'."

"Hi, I'm a Schmoo.  I really dig teabagging (if you

know what I mean, and I think that you do)!"

Remember Hee Haw?

Well, Sarah Palin has a new comedy show coming out in

the spring, called Haw Hee, but with less banjo.

Scientists Reverse Aging in Mice; No Luck (So Far)

 with Lotto Scratchers

Recently-Revealed Emails Show That Americans Respond

Very Negatively to 'Pubic Option' When Referring to AHIP

Lobbyist Karen Ignagni

Colonel Sanders Looks to Conquer
Africa with Fried Chicken

LeBron James When He Learned That Allen Iverson

Has More Tattoos Than He Does

If we lived in the best of all possible worlds, Senator

Lindsey Graham would be impossible.

This hedgehog says his favorite line in Monty Python and the

Holy Grail is when the Black Knight says, "I'm invincible!"

If Sarah Palin Were a Spiny Mammal

Glenn Beck Announces Title of His Next Book, Everything

You'll Ever Need to Know about Mexico You Can Learn

from Listening to Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass

Halliburton Trying to Decide If It Should Spend $500 Million to
Keep Dick Cheney Out of a Nigerian Jail; "It's a Toss-Up,"

Insiders Say

First Lady Reading Glenn Beck's The Christmas Sweater to

Children at National Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony

When Charles Krauthammer says Obama "won the

great tax-cut showdown of 2010," you know that

Capistrano will return to the swallows next spring,

not vice-versa.

Warm Scuzzies #126

Exide Technologies

Frisco, Texas

Biden Steps into Rahm's Shoes, Discovers

Worn Pair of Elevator Insoles

Royal Couple Shaken, Not Stirred

World's Revolutionaries Threatening to Silence Glenn Beck

by Stealing All of His Chalk

Silvio Berlusconi Caught on Film

Two-Timing Vladimir Putin

Grinch Steals 7-Foot-Tall Marijuana Christmas

Tree from 58-Year-Old Hippie 

Life expectancy for white Americans has fallen for the third

time since Ronald Reagan was elected president in 1980. 

Asked why this has happened, God said, "No comment,"
and then giggled.

World's Worst Yobs #200

John Burns

Anthony Weiner Shoots Down Megyn Kelly's

Assertion That the Estate Tax Is Double Taxation;

Then She Shows Him a Thing or Two

Author of 'Be Original' Motto Busted for Plagiarism

What Davy Jones Wears When He Goes Skiing

Too late, they realized the earmark had been used to build
the Railroad Bridge to Nowhere.

57 Billionaires Pledge to Give Away Half Their

Wealth After They Die; "We're Taking the Other

Half with Us," They Say

Aunt Wearing Crucifix Causes Furor Not Unlike

That Caused by Ant-Covered Crucifix

Sarah Palin Says Julian Assange Is 'Un-American';

"At Least She Didn't Say I'm Un-Australian,"

Assange Retorted Slyly 

Warm Scuzzies #125

Bill Sammon

Sarah Palin Just Moments Before She Fired at a Caribou

and Hit Russia Instead

GOP Gets Queasy Over Earmark Ban, Decides

to Redefine the Term So That It Applies Only

 to Democrats and to Call Republican Pork

 'The Other White Meat'

Republican Carl Wimmer Wants to Make the Browning .45

Semi-Automatic Pistol the State Gun of Utah

Greedheads Galore #7

Don Blankenship

Having received $38.2 million in compensation over the last

three years, with a pension worth $5.7 million and $27.2

million in his deferred-compensation account, and a salary

continuation retirement benefit which will pay him $18,241 a

month for the next 10 years, Don Blankenship, the 'Dark

Lord of Coal Country', has retired. "I simply couldn't

afford not to," he says, adding, "Crime hasn't paid this

well since the days of Al Capone."