Designated Driver Making Up for Lost Time

Only with the aid of his jetpack could John Hinderaker

(AKA 'The Hindrocketeer') put John Bolton's towering

intellect into the proper perspective.

Hans von Spakovsky Suppresses Senate Voters

by Withdrawing His Name from Nomination

"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Führer!"

"This way for the gas, Mr. President."

World's Worst Yoobs #15

Kathleen Parker

"I want someone who is a full-blooded American as President.

Someone like me or John McCain."

Like Commando Cody's, the control panel on Fusion Man's

flying suit has only three dials: Up-Down, Fast-Slow,

and On-Off.

What finally broke the back of wealthy climate change deniers

was when the decline in black truffle production was linked to

global warming.

When you go, don't forget to look into the blue eyes

of the blond-headed Jesus, the One who changed

the course of history.

Razing McCain #9

Wondering how five years as a POW count as 'national

security experience'? Ask Senator McCain.

"We believe that the government should get its hands off of

us as much as possible. We don't need that much of it. We'd

like less of it. And we darn sure would like for it to be less

expensive." Who uttered these words? Mafia legend Don

Corleone? No, Republican legend Mike Huckabee.

"During a speech to the National Rifle Association convention

in Louisville, Kentucky Friday, former Republican presidential

candidate Mike Huckabee joked to the audience that an

offstage noise was Barack Obama avoiding gunfire." Too bad

Mr. Huckabee isn't an ordinary American citizen, because,

right about now, the Secret Service would be giving him the

third degree.

Phyllis Schlafly Given a Choice, Not an Echo, by a "Bunch

of Losers" at Washington University in St. Louis

Lurita Doan, former chief of the GSA, now says she

really can't remember getting fired. But she'll take

your word for it.

Relaxing in the world's largest privately-owned flotation tank,

the world's richest man says: "If everyone on the planet floated

everyday, there would be no war, no poverty, no crime, no hunger

— and nobody on the streets."

"This ain't no quagmire, sarge. This is a goddam river of shit!"

MALE + VOLE + NCE = George Walker Bush

Portrait of Kevin James After Chris Matthews

Chopped Him Off Above the Knees

World's Worst Yobs #34

Bill Bennett

"Wanna bet who can put this little girl to sleep faster?"

Razing McCain #8

Martin Luther King, Jr., will always be remembered for his

'I Have a Dream' speech in 1963. John McCain will soon

be forgotten for his 'Let's Pretend' speech in 2008.

Yesterday, right-wing radio talk show host Kevin James was

beaned by Chris Matthews on Hardball. Doctors say Kevin's

head injury might have been more serious if he hadn't been

wearing his dunce cap at the time.

Woo-Hoo Personals #4

Blooming Idiot Seeks Long-Term Relationship
with Wealthy Planter

Biden Calls Bush Comments 'Bulls**t',

Points Out Censored Letters Say 'Hi!'

The Potrzebie Prize #5

Ahmed Chalabi Praised for Being a Treacherous, Spineless

Turncoat Who Conned the Neocons for Two Decades

Believe it or not, Doug Feith does have a coterie of supporters.

They call themselves Smarmy's Army.

Yep, any way he looked at it, Barry Bonds had been

indicted for perjury.

Mike Norman, a curious Georgian, admits he has a crush on

Barack Obama. "He's just so goshdarn cute!" Norman says.

Republican Slime Machine Revving Up for the Presidential Campaign

Lordi Picked to Play National Anthem

at Republican National Convention

"Mr. President, some critics are saying the country would be a whole

lot better off today if you had given up war for golf and not vice-versa.

Would you care to comment on that?"

"Young lady, do you recall when you first suspected that

your earrings might be extraterrestrial parasites?"

Razing McCain #7

Think of Dallas in the desert.

Think of John McCain as J.R.

Call it Fool's Goldwater.

Graphic for New GOP Slogan, "The Change You Deserve"

Racism is the ideology of inferior individuals who believe

they are members of a superior race.

You thought P. J. O'Rourke was still alive.

Wrong!

After President Bush sacrificed his golfing career on

the altar of the Iraq War, he took up bike curling.

Unable to land an executive job since she was sacked by

Hewlett-Packard in 2005, Carly Fiorina is now serving

as 'Victory Chairman' for the McCain campaign at the

Republican National Committee. Were McCain to lose

in November, it's unclear whether Carly will change

'Victory Chairman' to 'Defeat Chairman' on her resume.

Chris LaCivita, Director of Strategy for Creative Direct, is vowing

to "attack Obama viciously" between now and Election Day.

Chris assures us he's disease-free and up-to-date on all his

vaccinations, including rabies and distemper.

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died

to see the commander in chief playing golf. I think

playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal.

Oops, sorry! I almost lost my yachting cap."

Razing McCain #6

Regardless of whether you're conservative or liberal,

John McCain has the courage of your convictions.

"First McCain persuaded me to retract what I said about

Hurricane Katrina. I did. Then he exhorted me to issue

a letter of apology to the Catholic Church. I did. Now he's

prodding me to shed 100 lbs. Sweet Jesus! He's stopped

preaching and gone to meddling!"

"God, I'm so hungry I could eat a water buffalo!"

War On Crime. War On Poverty. War On Drugs.

War On Terrorism. War on Global Warming.

In America, if we can't make war on it,

we just can't be bothered with it.

With the Good Ship Lollipop as backdrop, Bob Barr

launched his campaign for the Presidency.

In a surprise move, John McCain has announced that he has selected

his mother, Roberta, to be his vice-presidential running mate.

Political analysts see this as a shrewd maneuver that could

solidify the Senator's appeal to mature voters and woo

aggrieved Hillary Clinton supporters.

"Black is black

I want my baby back

It's gray, it's gray

Since she went away, Ooh-Ooh

What can I do

'Cause I-I-I-I-I'm feelin' blue.

Does that answer your question?"

Men, if a woman tells you her hobby is collecting balls,

avoid her.

Hamas's endorsement of Obama carries about as much weight

as Lieberman's endorsement of McCain, analysts say.