CEO of Toshiba Explaining Why Making One Dollar in Profit

Is More Pleasurable Than Having One Hundred Orgasms

"When I agreed to appear in Greek mythology, all I said was,

'If somebody else does the Atlas thing, I'll do the shrugging'.

Now I'm on the cover of a bad novel written by a Russian

emigré who believed she was a man named John Galt. If I

may speak proleptically, 'Jesus Horatio Christ in a

Cheeseburger Basket!'"

"Take it from me, ladies and gentlemen, this advance

in cyborg technology makes the original Terminator

look like a girly boy."

Scientists says kids prefer veggies with cool names.

Take, for example, 'Chip Butty', the cool name for a

French-fries-and-butter sandwich doused in vinegar,

quite popular with kids in England these days. Just

how long it will take for this cool name to migrate

from the U.K. to the U. S. isn't known, but the best

guess is: not long.

"Camille Paglia? I haven't read her stuff since

I left Antlers, Oklahoma, and stopped dipping

Tube Rose Scotch Snuff!"

"If you can read this, you're too damn close!"

Usable Coal Scavenger Drinking Liberally

Spyder, the Roadster of Choice for the New Riders

of the Second Great Depression

The Washington Post Announces Ingenious New Method

for Keeping an Eye on Wall Street: Eliminate the

Business Section of the Newspaper

If the GOP were a sitcom, Michael Steele would

be what is called a 'breakout character'.

"If you have difficulty pronouncing my last

name, just remember it rhymes with 'fumes'."

Sales of Guns, Ammo Still High; 'Hoarding' of

Ammunition Since Obama Election Creates

Shortage; Spree Shooters Alarmed

What's all the hubbub about 'Going Gorp'?

Hikers have been doing that for years.

New GOP Motto: "You pachy my derm, I'll pachy yours."

Before he appeared on The Daily Show last night,

Jim Cramer said: ''Limbaugh -- whom I do not

know personally, but having been in radio myself,

know professionally as a genius of the medium -- says,

'They're going to shut Cramer up pretty soon, too, but

he'll go down with a fight'." Well, Rush lied: Cramer

went down all right, but without a fight. Here, for

example, you see him pleading, "Pretty please,

Jon, with sugar on top, give me my balls back!"

Senator Vitter Introduces Legislation to Outlaw United

Sluts of America and Other Sex Workers' Unions

Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase, says

he's ready to punch the lights out of the next

person who vilifies corporate America. You've

been warned.

Lieberman Floats Idea of Returning to Democratic

Party in 2012; Observers Rate Idea as Type 3 on the

Bristol Stool Chart

"'Guile' is my middle name, Ms. Harris. Why do you ask?"

GOP Gives Up on 'Big Tent' Idea, Believes

'Marmot Hut' Idea More Realistic

Bernie Madoff Goes Straight to Jail, Does Not Pass GO,

Does Not Collect $200

At 24, Meghan McCain may be plus-sized in the ass

department.

But, at 45, Laura Ingraham is definitely plus-sized

in the age department.

She claimed she wasn't superstitious, but on

Friday the 13th, she always dressed accordingly.

"Being compared to Kenneth the Page is a whole lot better

than what past Louisiana governors have been compared

to, such as ringworm, impetigo, and gum boils.”

There he was again, in the middle of one of those dreams

where he was trying to find his way back to something he

had lost. This time he had lost $50 trillion in global assets.

In the past he had always managed to wake up to discover

he was only dreaming. But would he able to this time?

"If I may be so bold, cowboy, but what you need

is some good ol' American horse sense!"

Omnipresent God, Accused of Stalking and Being

a Peeping Tom, Claims 'Right to Privacy' Is

Unconstitutional

Berkshire Hathaway Gambler Plays Wrong Cards,

Warren Buffett Loses $25 Billion

Grandpa Munster Sues Bernie Madoff

for Character Assassination

I Remember Dubya #14

Dubya was a President who could make the idea

of shuffling off this mortal coil seem like fun.

"Why are you always calling me 'Meathead', Archie?"

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #20

Mark Sanford

Man Goes Jane Galt

If your watchdog begins to behave erratically,

like this one, perhaps the most humane thing

to do is to put it down.

Ross Douthat, who has just been selected to

fill the William Safire Chair of Innovative

Heterodoxy at the New York Times, will help

us better understand how grand the Republican

Party could be were it not filled with Republicans.

They say they're ready to party when you are.

The President of Brazil was a man of sorrow when he learned

that the number of billionaires in the world had been reduced

by 30% in just one year.

When CNBC bottoms out, how will we know?

If Howard Fineman keeps imaginining he's one

of 'us', it'll be time for 'us' to change sides and

become 'them'.

World's Worst Yobs #82

Lee Rodgers

Has Bristol Palin broken it off?

Levi's not talking.

For forty years, Towan had been trying to decide which

was worse: being a 'has-been' or a 'never-was'.

Jackass Accusing Jon Stewart of Being a Comedian

"Listen up, ladies! If you're looking for a real

man, check out Nashville, Tennessee, which

has just been chosen as the Manliest City in

America."

"Earmarks are bad, unless, that is, they're mine.

Then they're good. That's my principle, and I

stand by my principles!"

It didn't take long before everyone in the world with

an Internet connection was tweeting on Twitter.

Which meant that no one had time to read what all

the other people on Twitter were tweeting because

they only had time to tweet. That's when Twitter

changed its name to Planet Omphaloskepsis.

After being down for so long, the old man began

to imagine he was soaring like the Dow.

Still Life with Hoser and Hosiery

Thirty years ago, Kramer vs. Kramer won five Academy

Awards, including Best Picture. But it's looking more and

more like it will be eclipsed in 2010 by Stewart vs. Cramer,

which is still in production.