Saturday, March 14, 2009

CEO of Toshiba Explaining Why Making One Dollar in Profit
Is More Pleasurable Than Having One Hundred Orgasms
"When I agreed to appear in Greek mythology, all I said was,
'If somebody else does the Atlas thing, I'll do the shrugging'.
Now I'm on the cover of a bad novel written by a Russian
emigré who believed she was a man named John Galt. If I
may speak proleptically, 'Jesus Horatio Christ in a
Cheeseburger Basket!'"
"Take it from me, ladies and gentlemen, this advance
in cyborg technology makes the original Terminator
look like a girly boy."
Scientists says kids prefer veggies with cool names.
Take, for example, 'Chip Butty', the cool name for a
French-fries-and-butter sandwich doused in vinegar,
quite popular with kids in England these days. Just
how long it will take for this cool name to migrate
from the U.K. to the U. S. isn't known, but the best
guess is: not long.
"Camille Paglia? I haven't read her stuff since
I left Antlers, Oklahoma, and stopped dipping
Tube Rose Scotch Snuff!"
"If you can read this, you're too damn close!"
Usable Coal Scavenger Drinking Liberally
Spyder, the Roadster of Choice for the New Riders
of the Second Great Depression
The Washington Post Announces Ingenious New Method
for Keeping an Eye on Wall Street: Eliminate the
Business Section of the Newspaper
If the GOP were a sitcom, Michael Steele would
be what is called a 'breakout character'.
"If you have difficulty pronouncing my last
name, just remember it rhymes with 'fumes'."
Sales of Guns, Ammo Still High; 'Hoarding' of
Ammunition Since Obama Election Creates
Shortage; Spree Shooters Alarmed
What's all the hubbub about 'Going Gorp'?
Hikers have been doing that for years.
New GOP Motto: "You pachy my derm, I'll pachy yours."

Friday, March 13, 2009

Before he appeared on The Daily Show last night,
Jim Cramer said: ''Limbaugh -- whom I do not
know personally, but having been in radio myself,
know professionally as a genius of the medium -- says,
'They're going to shut Cramer up pretty soon, too, but
he'll go down with a fight'." Well, Rush lied: Cramer
went down all right, but without a fight. Here, for
example, you see him pleading, "Pretty please,
Jon, with sugar on top, give me my balls back!"
Senator Vitter Introduces Legislation to Outlaw United
Sluts of America and Other Sex Workers' Unions
Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase, says
he's ready to punch the lights out of the next
person who vilifies corporate America. You've
been warned.
Lieberman Floats Idea of Returning to Democratic
Party in 2012; Observers Rate Idea as Type 3 on the
Bristol Stool Chart
"'Guile' is my middle name, Ms. Harris. Why do you ask?"
GOP Gives Up on 'Big Tent' Idea, Believes
'Marmot Hut' Idea More Realistic
Bernie Madoff Goes Straight to Jail, Does Not Pass GO,
Does Not Collect $200
At 24, Meghan McCain may be plus-sized in the ass

But, at 45, Laura Ingraham is definitely plus-sized
in the age department.
She claimed she wasn't superstitious, but on
Friday the 13th, she always dressed accordingly.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

"Being compared to Kenneth the Page is a whole lot better
than what past Louisiana governors have been compared
to, such as ringworm, impetigo, and gum boils.”
There he was again, in the middle of one of those dreams
where he was trying to find his way back to something he
had lost. This time he had lost $50 trillion in global assets.
In the past he had always managed to wake up to discover
he was only dreaming. But would he able to this time?
"If I may be so bold, cowboy, but what you need
is some good ol' American horse sense!"
Omnipresent God, Accused of Stalking and Being
a Peeping Tom, Claims 'Right to Privacy' Is
Berkshire Hathaway Gambler Plays Wrong Cards,
Warren Buffett Loses $25 Billion
Grandpa Munster Sues Bernie Madoff
for Character Assassination
I Remember Dubya #14
Dubya was a President who could make the idea
of shuffling off this mortal coil seem like fun.
"Why are you always calling me 'Meathead', Archie?"
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #20
Mark Sanford
Man Goes Jane Galt
If your watchdog begins to behave erratically,
like this one, perhaps the most humane thing
to do is to put it down.
Ross Douthat, who has just been selected to
fill the William Safire Chair of Innovative
Heterodoxy at the New York Times, will help
us better understand how grand the Republican
Party could be were it not filled with Republicans.
They say they're ready to party when you are.
The President of Brazil was a man of sorrow when he learned
that the number of billionaires in the world had been reduced
by 30% in just one year.
When CNBC bottoms out, how will we know?
If Howard Fineman keeps imaginining he's one
of 'us', it'll be time for 'us' to change sides and
become 'them'.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

World's Worst Yobs #82
Lee Rodgers
Has Bristol Palin broken it off?
Levi's not talking.
For forty years, Towan had been trying to decide which
was worse: being a 'has-been' or a 'never-was'.
Jackass Accusing Jon Stewart of Being a Comedian
"Listen up, ladies! If you're looking for a real
man, check out Nashville, Tennessee, which
has just been chosen as the Manliest City in
"Earmarks are bad, unless, that is, they're mine.
Then they're good. That's my principle, and I
stand by my principles!"

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

It didn't take long before everyone in the world with
an Internet connection was tweeting on Twitter.
Which meant that no one had time to read what all
the other people on Twitter were tweeting because
they only had time to tweet. That's when Twitter
changed its name to Planet Omphaloskepsis.
After being down for so long, the old man began
to imagine he was soaring like the Dow.
Still Life with Hoser and Hosiery
Thirty years ago, Kramer vs. Kramer won five Academy
Awards, including Best Picture. But it's looking more and
more like it will be eclipsed in 2010 by Stewart vs. Cramer,
which is still in production.