Saturday, May 27, 2006

Jim Nicholson, Secretary of Veterans Affairs, is so nondescript
that if his identity were stolen, no one would notice.
Eulalio Gomez has a gleam in his eye which clearly shows
he's happy to be an American. Try to find this gleam in
the eye of a Minuteman and you won't find it.
Even Freddy Krueger doesn't like the President of Georgia,
Mikhail Saakashvili.
At the conclusion of their summit meeting,
the three chimpanzees announced they
were filing a lawsuit against the Smirking
Chimp blog, on the grounds that comparing
them to George W. Bush had caused them
to suffer mental pain and anguish for what
was clearly a defamation of their character
as intelligent primates.
On holiday weekends, Tim Russert likes to shed his
coat and tie, bullshit with his buddies, and get horny.
Female suicide bombers are really quite
fashion conscious.
Medical studies have found that extensive headers can cause
brain damage, as well as make your cranium resemble a 
soccer ball.
"Sick of politicians who fail to keep promises, Mexicans are sticking
pins in voodoo-style dolls of presidential candidates to needle them
into becoming better public servants." Reading this story, one wonders:
might this technique work better than email and letter-writing?
Bush Administration Recommends Tapping Into the 
Fires of Hades as Alternative Energy Source
For those of you who are flying over the
Memorial Day weekend, have a nice delay.
Cyclist Leonardo Piepoli just seconds before he
was overcome by an unruly erotic impulse.
Rush Limbaugh, Cigar Aficionado and Cricket Fan
President on Stairway to Heaven
Look into these eyes and you'll understand
why he's called 'Deadeye Dick'.
Pope Benedict illustrated his homily on the sin of idolatry with
a portrait of Pope John Paul II.
Jeanne-Claude and Christo are taking no chances
in their project to wrap a stretch of the Arkansas
River near Cañon City, Colorado. They've hired
the entire New York Yankees grounds crew.
As he headed toward Camp David for a long
weekend with Condoleezza Rice, President
Bush was really hot to trot.
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer was jubilant when he
defeated Steve Jobs in their Doom Deathmatch.
Palestinian Activist Violates Ban on Bearing
Oversized Flags
Kenyan Willis Yoga set a new world record
by bouncing a soccer ball on his head over
55 million times in just over seven hours and
37 minutes. The four judges who certified the
record also set a new world record for counting
that high and for that long.
Karl Zinsmeister is President Bush's
new domestic policy chief. Who he
is hard to say exactly, since he keeps
revising his biographical profile. From
his photograph, however, he does seem
to have a strong chin and a neck that's
about the same diameter as his head.

Friday, May 26, 2006

When Robert L. Gallucci, Dean of Georgetown’s School
of Foreign Service, introduced the new professor, he said:
"Doug Feith brings a combination of legal, foreign and
defense policymaking experience that I am confident
will enrich campus discussions on a wide range of critical
international issues of the day." This is the same Doug
Feith General Tommy Franks famously described as
"the fucking stupidest guy on the face of the Earth."
Who should we believe? The Dean or the General?
"Hey, Mom! Can we watch Antz after we eat?"
All penguins can march and swim.
But only a few can fly.
The Afghan woman wasn't impressed by
the Musselman meatheads.
You've heard of goat ropers. Well, this
is Shirley, a Phelps-Roper.
Svetlana Kuznetsova tried to slice the ball,
but her tennis racket was too dull to cut it.
The President couldn't keep from smirking when
he thought back to the day when he first told
Tony to bend over and accept the banana.
Eyewitnesses at the scene have confirmed that an
apparition of Pope Benedict did appear in a window
in Poland yesterday. Plans are now being made to
turn the window into a holy shrine.
The Chapel of Bones in Evora, Portugal, was
constructed by Franciscan monks using the
bones of some 5,000 people. Based on current
estimates, eight of these could be built from
the bones of the people killed in Iraq since the
U. S. invasion in March, 2003.
Blair and Bush March in Lockstep Through
the Hall of Egomania
Yesterday's News Today
"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"
According to research conducted in England
by a scientist, a philosopher, and a chicken
farmer, the correct answer is: "Neither."
The rooster came first.
When he completes his term as Vice President,
Dick Cheney will live out his remaining years
at his recently-acquired retirement home,
Dracula's Castle.
The owl couldn't keep from making a spectacle of itself.
London Mothers 'Powerpramming'
As Bush and Blair blathered, Josh muffled a yawn,
and Condi caught some Z's.
Apostle of Freeganism takes time out for
a bit of dumpster diving.
World Cup Fan Fighting Heart Disease
Pure D Cowgirl

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Dennis Hastert's Dog Won't Hunt
Kenny Boy Convicted on Six Counts of Passing Gas and Four
Counts of Being the Dumbest-Looking Guy in the Room
In his plea for leniency, Jeffrey Skilling is expected to tell
the judge he suffers from rolling blackouts.
Deputy Secretary of State Robert Zoellick couldn't
make up his mind. "Should I quit if I don't get
appointed Secretary of the Treasury? Should I
go to work for Merrill Lynch? Should I remain in
my current position? Or should I accept the offer
from Hair Club to do infomercials?"
Janet Jackson Undergoes Airbrush Surgery,
Loses 60 Pounds!
On his last day as Prime Minister of Japan,
Junichiro Koizumi exclaimed,
"ELVIS IS IN THE BUILDING!!!"
The Buddha was happy to hear that Representative
 Dennis Hastert is "in the mix" of a Congressional 
bribery investigation.
In an effort to raise the libido level of white Americans,
Fox News Network's John Gibson has announced that his
Sex Theme Park will be opening in July 2006.
"What's for dinner tonight, honey?"
"Well, it's either chili or chili or chili or chili or chili or chili?"
"Hmmmmm ... I think I'll have some chili."
Judge Simon Cowell to Preside in Trial of Texas Man
Accused of Refusing to Watch American Idol