Saturday, April 22, 2006

Capitalizing on her experience as Jane Parker
in Tarzan, the Ape Man, Bo Derek has agreed
to serve as special envoy to the Secretary of
State for Wildlife Trafficking Issues. Bo's fans
were disappointed, however, when they learned
she will play her new role fully clothed.
Toreador Cracks Under the Strain of So Much Bullshit
An anonymous tip has led to the arrest of the guy who
rolled these joints. As it turns out, he's a baseball player.
On American greenbacks, we see "In God We Trust."
That's a misprint. It should be "In Gold We Trust."
Sanitation Engineer Gears Up for Battle
Ingenious Poles Find Way to Serve God and Mammon
at the Same Time
This is a model. Of what is not exactly clear.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Now Hef was old and stricken in years;
and they covered him with Paris Hilton,
but he gat no heat.
Claiming to be a doctor, Philip Winikoff went
door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering
free breast exams. He has been charged with
sexually assaulting two women who accepted
the offer.
Disguised as an arctic fox, a Mexican
Hairless tried to enter the U. S. at Juárez
yesterday. But an alert Border Patrol agent
foiled the attempt when he checked the dog's
tag and saw that its name was Xoloitzquintle.
IFCO Systems North America, a pallet recycler
headquartered in Houston, Texas, made $120
million in profits last year, largely on the
backs of illegal immigrants.
As a reward for working hard at substandard wages,
more than 1,100 of these illegals have been arrested
and are being processed for deportation.
When the Richest Man in the World tells a joke,
even the President of China laughs.
"Yes, it would be fair to say that the most informative
statement I ever made as press secretary I made today
when I said, 'I resign'."
"Freeze! This is a stickup! Do as I say,
and nobody gets hurt."
President Bush Puts the Pinch on President Hu,
Stops Him from Cutting in Line

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Bowing to pressure from both within and without Iraq,
Ibrahim al-Jaafari has been persuaded that he is just
too goddamned ugly to continue as Prime Minister.
Joel Kaplan has just been named
domestic policy advisor to President
Bush, taking over for Karl Rove.
In November 2000, he proudly participated
in the 'Brooks Brothers Riot' to stop the
Florida recount.
He's a real prick, but he shouldn't be confused
with the inventor of the Joel Kaplan Penis Pump.
His career finished on Wall Street, Gordon Gekko
changed his name to Michael Douglas, styled his
hair and beard according to Sir Walter Scott, and
headed to Scotland for an honorary degree and a
round of golf.
For someone who doesn't own any, Senator
Charles Grassley sure spends a lot of time
talking about 'intellectual property'.
After attacking six people, this cat from Connecticut
has been placed under a restraining order. Victims
report that this otherwise docile creature becomes
a wildcat when it hears someone say, "Joementum."
At age 62, Janise Wulf, a great-grandmother, gave birth to her
12th child in February. Asked if this would be her last, Mrs.
Wulf replied, "Not if my husband keeps singing that Kinky
Friedman tune, 'Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your
Buns in the Bed'."
As Scott McClellan made his resignation announcement,
the President thought, "This guy has been a better
unspokesman for me than Ari ever was."
"Did you know Laura and I play Chinese Checkers
almost every night?"
Some mischievous prankster has been hanging
this sign outside the offices of Republican
lawmakers in Washington, D. C.
If you never quite got the hang of Einstein's
General Theory of Relativity, take heart. NASA
scientists have used a supercomputer to create
this visual version of the theory. Everyone seems
to agree this clears up a lot of things.
Yesterday, Italy's new president displayed his skill with
hand shadows by making a very realistic Peter Rabbit.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Do you think if Henry David Thoreau were alive
today, he would write, "The mass of men lead
lives of quiet desperation"?

"I, Rupert Murdoch, intend to fist Mother Earth,
if it's the last thing I ever do."
Didn't you see the warning about not staring
at this group of Chinese tourists in Beijing? Well,
it's too late now. Your picture has now been added
to the People's Republic of China database of
foreign nationals who don't wear surgical masks
when they visit the Forbidden City.
Someone has condensed everything Scott McClellan
said to reporters over the past couple of years into just
two words: "Bite Me!"
In an unguarded moment, Michelle Malkin
demonstrated the acupressure technique
she uses to keep her husband happy.
Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper,
Discomfited by Young Leftist
The government of Iran has just revealed the
latest in weapons technology: a one-man airsub.
David Finkel, reporter for The
Washington Post, doesn't drink,
doesn't smoke, doesn't cuss, and made
A+ in his Anger Management course.
Earlier today, President Bush expressed
concern about a dangerous vacuum in Iraq.
David Oreck denies it's the one he sells.
Andrew Card is gone and Scott McClellan
is gone. When the man in the middle goes,
we will have hit the trifecta.
This is the only picture of Michelle Malkin's
husband known to exist in the public
domain. In 1991, a photographer tried
to take his picture, but Jesse physically
assaulted, then threatened to kill him.
Photographers have kept their distance
ever since.
A place was set for you when Bill and Melinda Gates
had the president of China over for dinner. Why
didn't you show up?
After all the passengers had boarded for the flight out
of Rio de Janeiro, it was obvious that Rush Limbaugh
shouldn't have been seated in the rear of the plane.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

In Afghanistan, flying goldfish are trapped in water-filled
plastic bags. They are then sold as pets to the Taliban who,
in turn, train them to keep watch over their poppy
plantations. That's when American CIA agents swallow them
and swear to God that they have never heard of Valerie
Plame and wouldn't know Scooter Libby even if his
picture appeared on the front page of The Washington Post.
John Negroponte is now Director of National
Intelligence for the United States. If he has as
many brain cells inside his head as he does hairs
outside his head, our nation is in deep doo-doo.
No matter how hard he tried to disguise
himself as an average blue-collar guy,
people still recognized Bill O'Reilly
as the most obnoxious white-collar
throwback on TV.
In the xenophobic myth of creation, this is Eva,
the Mexican-American female who ate the forbidden
fruit and condemned us all to multiculturalism.
Contrary to popular belief, King Kong
did NOT die in a fall from atop the Empire
State Building. No, this supersimian completely
fooled the Hollywood moviemakers, and has
returned to his life of leisure in a gated community
on an island, somewhere in the South Pacific.
Q: What do you get when President No. 41
walks side-by-side with President No. 43?
A: Double Trouble without Stevie Ray Vaughan.
As you plan your next vacation to Hawaii, please be
advised that some of the beaches there have been closed
because of all the Republican corruption washing ashore
from the mainland.
Nicknamed OVP (short for Office of the Vice President),
this is not your ordinary street monkey. What sets it
apart from the others is that it is highly secretive and is
never seen in public without its symbolic yellow coat.