Saturday, January 13, 2007

How many Christians stopped being
Christians when they realized Paul
Coughlin had stopped being a
"Christian nice guy?"
America needs neoconservatism like
it needs gum disease and fallen arches.
"It was shortly after I helped mold American
public opinion in favor of the invasion of Iraq,"
said Thomas Friedman, columnist for The
New York Times, "that I could afford to build
my $9.3 million mansion in Bethesda and my
massive chateau in Aspen, complete with its
own lake. God! How much easier it was to get
rich quick that way than selling Fuller
Brush products door-to-door."
Take one look at Frederick Kagan, the man President Bush
credits with persuading him to send more troops into Iraq,
and you realize that if Helen of Troy's face launched a
thousand ships, this dweeb's face would sink them.
When Air Force Staff Sergeant Michelle Manhart
walks into a room, everything stands at attention.
Granted, the spray-on condom may well mean a better fit.
But it remains to be seen how many men will be able to keep
it up while a guy in a lab coat armed with a Wagner Power
Painter steps into the bedroom and says, "Hey, it's time to
give that woodie another coat of shellac!"
You can't see blood dripping from Tony Blair's hands because
he always washes them after someone dies in the Iraq War.
Senator Joseph Lieberman has a face that even his mother
couldn't love. "Oy," she once uttered despairingly, "my
boychik is looking more and more like Clarabelle without
a seltzer bottle!"
"I would confess I'm no expert on Iraq and no expert on
military matters. That's why President Bush picked me
to be Secretary of Defense. All he asked me was, 'How
many Aggies does it take to fuck up a baked potato?'
And I told him, 'Mr. President, I honestly don't know
because I have never baked a potato in my life.' That's
when he said, 'Bobby Boy, you're hired'!"
These South Korean opponents of a free trade agreement
with the United States are carrying signs which say, when
translated into English, "Eat More Chikin!"
Massimo D'Alema, the Italian Minister of Foreign Affairs,
couldn't believe he had blurted out, "Mahmoud Abbas,
your doctoral dissertation really blows!"
Charles D. Stimson, Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense
for Detainee Affairs, is "dismayed that lawyers at many of
the nation’s top firms were representing prisoners at
Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, and that the firms’ corporate clients
should consider ending their business ties." Apparently,
Mr. Stimson skipped class that day in law school when the
duties of lawyers to help people in legal trouble was covered.
Human Response to U. S. Troops Killed in Iraq

Reptilian Response

Friday, January 12, 2007

"Yes, the monkeys of Yakushima Island unanimously oppose
President Bush's plan to 'surge' into Iraq. On the other hand,
we overwhelmingly support more campfires on the island,
because it's colder than a welldigger's ass this time of year."
Using nothing more than a crude hand telescope,
a North Korean boatman claims he can see Osama
bin Laden hiding out somewhere in Pakistan.
Condoleezza Rice: Still Lying After All These Years
General Custer died for our sins, but untold thousands
have died and will die for President Bush's sins.
In the face of the President was an expression
best described as 'lugubrious malevolence'.
Evo Morales, Daniel Ortega, and Hugo Chavez Singing
'Ronald Reagan's Body Lies A-Spinning in the Grave'
How SpongeBob SquarePants got trapped
in the Fish 'n Flush is not known.
Lee Majors, the $6 Million Dollar Man

David Beckham, the $250 Million Dollar Man
"Congressman, it's bad policy to speculate on what you'll do if a plan
fails when you're trying to make a plan work. In other words, if Plan A
fails, there shouldn't be a Plan B. It's Plan A all the way, and the devil
take the hindmost."

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The White House has denied President Bush was
hypnotized by Chandu the Magician before
delivering his 'New Strategy on Iraq' speech.
World's Worst Jobs #25
Managuan Plastic Bottle Recycler
"Am I the liberal Mitt Romney of 1994? Absolutely not!
Haven't you ever heard of the Mormon doctrine of
'Ideological Polarity Reversal'?"
The violence in Baghdad has gotten so bad the Serpent
from the Garden of Eden has emigrated to Germany.
If you are a foot reader, here is today's text.
These little piggies went to market.
When viewed up close, congressional earmarks
are really quite disgusting.
In winter, the burqa doubles as a tent.
How President Bush Plans to Break the 'Segway of Violence'
in Iraq
World's Worst Jobs #24
Chinese Rice Counter

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

"You're not pointing at what I think you're pointing at
are you, John?"
"Of course I am, Joe, and if you don't seize this opportunity,
our surge into Iraq will never succeed."
If President Bush Was a Fishmonger and the
Surge into Iraq Was a Sturgeon
"Blow the 'surge' outta your honky ass, Mr. Bush!"
The building inspector was beginning to have his doubts
about the structural integrity of the housing project.
"When you get done 'surging', President Bush,
sit on this and spin!"
Hugo Chavez Just Before He Was Snorted
Whole by a Brobdingnagian Amazon
If you have some time to waste, count the number
of hats worn by these ultra-orthodox Jews meeting
in Bnei Brak.
"Don't forget, Snowzilla: once you surge into Baghdad,
you need to get your thumpety, thump, thumping done
ASAP. Stay too long, and you're liable to end up as a
tributary to the Tigris River."
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the revolutionary new
iPhone can do almost anything, except keep you from
getting old and losing your hair."
"Although the insurance claims adjustor will have the
final say, it appears this car is pretty much totaled."
The Mickey Mouse Club on Radio Station KSFO:
Melanie Morgan, Brian Sussman, Tom Brenner

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

"My Father who art in Heaven,
I want to kill. I want to maim. I want to rape.
I want to torture the enemy’s children before their
parents’ eyes, I want to inflict unspeakable cruelties
on their little bodies that will mutilate them for life,
and I want to break their trusting little spirits with
the vilest and most hideous degradations I can think of.
In Jesus name,
Amen.”
"Give me a plate of Snausages, a bowl of Roverolis,
a side of Cheese & Bacon Beggin' Strips, and a side of
Kibbles 'n Bits. For dessert, I'll have a Milk Bone with
two scoops of Gravy Train. And then, if I feel like it,
I'll say, 'Bow-Wow, Woof-Woof'. But don't rush me,
because I've been known to bite the hand that feeds me."
"Surge yourself, George!!!!"
God! What a shock it was to see that Dirk Nowitzski was nothing
more than a host for some species of buccal scorpion.
As he got older, the Lion King became less and less
picky about the women he would smooch.