How many Christians stopped being

Christians when they realized Paul

Coughlin had stopped being a

"Christian nice guy?"

America needs neoconservatism like

it needs gum disease and fallen arches.

"It was shortly after I helped mold American

public opinion in favor of the invasion of Iraq,"

said Thomas Friedman, columnist for The

New York Times, "that I could afford to build

my $9.3 million mansion in Bethesda and my

massive chateau in Aspen, complete with its

own lake. God! How much easier it was to get

rich quick that way than selling Fuller

Brush products door-to-door."

Take one look at Frederick Kagan, the man President Bush

credits with persuading him to send more troops into Iraq,

and you realize that if Helen of Troy's face launched a

thousand ships, this dweeb's face would sink them.

When Air Force Staff Sergeant Michelle Manhart

walks into a room, everything stands at attention.

Granted, the spray-on condom may well mean a better fit.

But it remains to be seen how many men will be able to keep

it up while a guy in a lab coat armed with a Wagner Power

Painter steps into the bedroom and says, "Hey, it's time to

give that woodie another coat of shellac!"

You can't see blood dripping from Tony Blair's hands because

he always washes them after someone dies in the Iraq War.

Senator Joseph Lieberman has a face that even his mother

couldn't love. "Oy," she once uttered despairingly, "my

boychik is looking more and more like Clarabell without

a seltzer bottle!"

"I would confess I'm no expert on Iraq and no expert on

military matters. That's why President Bush picked me

to be Secretary of Defense. All he asked me was, 'How

many Aggies does it take to fuck up a baked potato?'

And I told him, 'Mr. President, I honestly don't know

because I have never baked a potato in my life.' That's

when he said, 'Bobby Boy, you're hired'!"

These South Korean opponents of a free trade agreement

with the United States are carrying signs which say, when

translated into English, "Eat More Chikin!"

Massimo D'Alema, the Italian Minister of Foreign Affairs,

couldn't believe he had blurted out, "Mahmoud Abbas,

your doctoral dissertation really blows!"

Charles D. Stimson, Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense

for Detainee Affairs, is "dismayed that lawyers at many of

the nation’s top firms were representing prisoners at

Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, and that the firms’ corporate clients

should consider ending their business ties." Apparently,

Mr. Stimson skipped class that day in law school when the

duties of lawyers to help people in legal trouble was covered.

Human Response to U. S. Troops Killed in Iraq

Reptilian Response

"Yes, the monkeys of Yakushima Island unanimously oppose

President Bush's plan to 'surge' into Iraq. On the other hand,

we overwhelmingly support more campfires on the island,

because it's colder than a welldigger's ass this time of year."

Using nothing more than a crude hand telescope,

a North Korean boatman claims he can see Osama

bin Laden hiding out somewhere in Pakistan.

Condoleezza Rice: Still Lying After All These Years

General Custer died for our sins, but untold thousands

have died and will die for President Bush's sins.

In the face of the President was an expression

best described as 'lugubrious malevolence'.

Evo Morales, Daniel Ortega, and Hugo Chavez Singing

'Ronald Reagan's Body Lies A-Spinning in the Grave'

How SpongeBob SquarePants got trapped

in the Fish 'n Flush is not known.

Lee Majors, the $6 Million Dollar Man

David Beckham, the $250 Million Dollar Man

"Congressman, it's bad policy to speculate on what you'll do if a plan

fails when you're trying to make a plan work. In other words, if Plan A

fails, there shouldn't be a Plan B. It's Plan A all the way, and the devil

take the hindmost."

The White House has denied President Bush was

hypnotized by Chandu the Magician before

delivering his 'New Strategy on Iraq' speech.

World's Worst Jobs #25

Managuan Plastic Bottle Recycler

"Am I the liberal Mitt Romney of 1994? Absolutely not!

Haven't you ever heard of the Mormon doctrine of

'Ideological Polarity Reversal'?"

The violence in Baghdad has gotten so bad the Serpent

from the Garden of Eden has emigrated to Germany.

If you are a foot reader, here is today's text.

These little piggies went to market.

When viewed up close, congressional earmarks

are really quite disgusting.

In winter, the burqa doubles as a tent.

How President Bush Plans to Break the 'Segway of Violence'

in Iraq

World's Worst Jobs #24

Chinese Rice Counter

"You're not pointing at what I think you're pointing at

are you, John?"

"Of course I am, Joe, and if you don't seize this opportunity,

our surge into Iraq will never succeed."

If President Bush Was a Fishmonger and the

Surge into Iraq Was a Sturgeon

"Blow the 'surge' outta your honky ass, Mr. Bush!"

The building inspector was beginning to have his doubts

about the structural integrity of the housing project.

"When you get done 'surging', President Bush,

sit on this and spin!"

Hugo Chavez Just Before He Was Snorted

Whole by a Brobdingnagian Amazon

If you have some time to waste, count the number

of hats worn by these ultra-orthodox Jews meeting

in Bnei Brak.

"Don't forget, Snowzilla: once you surge into Baghdad,

you need to get your thumpety, thump, thumping done

ASAP. Stay too long, and you're liable to end up as a

tributary to the Tigris River."

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the revolutionary new

iPhone can do almost anything, except keep you from

getting old and losing your hair."

"Although the insurance claims adjustor will have the

final say, it appears this car is pretty much totaled."

The Mickey Mouse Club on Radio Station KSFO:

Melanie Morgan, Brian Sussman, Tom Brenner

"My Father who art in Heaven,

I want to kill. I want to maim. I want to rape.

I want to torture the enemy’s children before their

parents’ eyes, I want to inflict unspeakable cruelties

on their little bodies that will mutilate them for life,

and I want to break their trusting little spirits with

the vilest and most hideous degradations I can think of.

In Jesus name,

Amen.”

"Give me a plate of Snausages, a bowl of Roverolis,

a side of Cheese & Bacon Beggin' Strips, and a side of

Kibbles 'n Bits. For dessert, I'll have a Milk Bone with

two scoops of Gravy Train. And then, if I feel like it,

I'll say, 'Bow-Wow, Woof-Woof'. But don't rush me,

because I've been known to bite the hand that feeds me."

"Surge yourself, George!!!!"

God! What a shock it was to see that Dirk Nowitzski was nothing

more than a host for some species of buccal scorpion.

As he got older, the Lion King became less and less

picky about the women he would smooch.