Cindy Sheehan and her marauding band of bloodthirsty

protesters had threatened to disrupt the Easter egg roll.

But the cavalry arrived in Crawford just in the nick of time.

"Editorials and news stories have different

purposes. News stories are to inform; editorials are

to influence. At The Washington Post, our editorials are

absolutely information-free and our news stories don't

influence anybody. And my role as ombudsman is to make

sure it stays that way."

Thought to have been irretrievably lost,

President Bush's marbles have been found.

Hellraiser IX: Rumsfeld in Chains

Zookeepers in the U. S. are reporting that if you say

'Rumsfeld', any orangutan within earshot does this.

FEMA Organization Chart

Victor Davis Hanson on the Outside

Victor Davis Hanson on the Inside

Rather than continue serving as symbols for the GOP,

these battered and bruised pachyderms have decided to

throw themselves into the sea.

Though not a particularly religious man,

Secretary Rumsfeld has been praying more lately,

even on camera.

Huckleberry Finn Characters Announce Birth

of Their First Child, Tom Sawyer

Jesus Crucified Again, This Time in London

Famous Mona Lisa Twins Celebrate Father's Birthday Bilingually

People around the world want democracy,

especially in the United States.

This little boy had been hoping for a Mega Man action figure.

Minutewomen looking for Minutemen.

When these piglets grow up, they will be called

'earmarks'.

Wildlife Tip #1

Do NOT attempt to take an Easter egg

away from a meerkat.

There's an Easter egg to suit every taste:

encrusted with $87,500 in diamonds,

drilled with 3,500 holes,

or stuffed with mealworms.

Representative James Sensenbrenner has

introduced a bill in Congress that would put

melanin-deficient Republicans on the

endangered species list.

Over at Slate, we read that "Bernardo Provenzano,
an old country Mafia boss ... had been on the lamb
for more than 40 years." Do sheep live that long?

Iran claims it enriches uranium only

to make more powerful dove magnets.

Ruben Douglas had been warned not

to take a bite out of his MVP trophy,

but he did anyway.

Astronomers say two Kuiper Belt objects, Xena

and Gabrielle, are thought to be lesbians.

Even with Lady Thatcher's support,

Howard Kaloogian got less than 8% of the

vote in Tuesday's election. He blamed the

poor showing on his webmaster.

Republican leaders Hastert and Frist announced

today that proposed immigration legislation will

not contain a provision to prosecute 11 million

illegal immigrants as felons. Instead, the penalty

will be a 'Needs Improvement' mark in Citizenship

on their report cards.

Fireman McClellan could see that the firestorm

over 'the biggest sand toilets in the world' was

getting out of control.

These Indonesian protestors are trying to stop the

publication of The Playboy of the Eastern World.

At yesterday's Pentagon briefing,

Secretary Rumsfeld was struck in the

left eye by a car-bomb shard from Baghdad.

It looks like Mahmood Ahmadinejad needs

to make a call to Bird-B-Gone.

Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski

couldn't believe it when someone called

Alaska, 'The GOP Welfare State'.

Mel Brooks is giving serious thought to making a new

movie, based on Kris and Sarah Everson's fake

sextuplets scam. He plans to call it The Reproducers.

"Can the United Nations solve the international problems to

which it's addressed? And if it can't solve those problems,

can we fix them? And if we can't fix it, is there something else

that we should be using instead? My answer to the first two

questions is No and No. My answer to the third question is Yes.

I, John Bolton, U. S. Ambassador to the UN, therefore

propose that we create a new institution, the Disunited Nations,

and that I be named the first Secretary-General of Overall Confusion."

Eat this gourmet sandwich made by Scott

MacDonald and you will pay $148. Not only do you

get supersized, but so does your bill.

Ken Livingstone, the mayor of London, was glad

to see that native son Christopher Hitchens had

returned home. But the mayor could see that all

the yellowcake from Niger Hitchens had been ingesting

was having an unusual effect.

What was first thought to be the living embodiment of

Janus turned out to be the Frist-Labrov birth anomaly

and a major step forward in American-Russian relations.

In the 1950s it took two hands to catch a high

fly ball. By the 1980s it took only one. Today,

baseball players are so highly-paid they can

catch them in their mouths.

Flying Disc of Unknown Origin Narrowly Misses

President's Head, Lands Harmlessly in Pool,

Turns Out to Be the President's Seal

A Target shopper said today she can hardly wait

until the new 18-wheeler carts hit the stores.

When this portrait was painted,

Newt Gingrich was an ardent supporter

of the U. S. invasion of Iraq. He has now

changed his mind, saying the invasion was

a terrible mistake. So when this portrait is

repainted, it will depict a Republican rat

abandoning a sinking ship.

Were Shakespeare alive today, he might have said: "Silvio

Berlusconi now exits stage left, having strutted and fretted

his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. His was

just another tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing."

With civil war in full swing, Iraqi horologists

are working long hours to make sure everyone

gets to the next explosion on time.

President Bush has expressed an interest

in hiring the couturier who currently

works for King Gyanendra of Nepal.

Washington Nationals starting righthander,

Richard 'Duck' Cheney, was booed off the

field in yesterday's season opener after

throwing only one pitch. This set a new record

as the shortest stint for a starter in MLB history.

"I pulled out of my first wife in 1981. I pulled out

of my second wife in 1999. The United States should

follow my example and pull out of Iraq in 2006."

If it's spring, it must be time for gun shows.

Boys Discover Secret Entrance to Cheney Bunker

This picture used to hang in Tom DeLay's office.

Someone noticed the other day it had disappeared,

possibly stolen.