Saturday, April 15, 2006

Cindy Sheehan and her marauding band of bloodthirsty
protesters had threatened to disrupt the Easter egg roll.
But the cavalry arrived in Crawford just in the nick of time.
"Editorials and news stories have different
purposes. News stories are to inform; editorials are
to influence. At The Washington Post, our editorials are
absolutely information-free and our news stories don't
influence anybody. And my role as ombudsman is to make
sure it stays that way."
Thought to have been irretrievably lost,
President Bush's marbles have been found.
Hellraiser IX: Rumsfeld in Chains
Zookeepers in the U. S. are reporting that if you say
'Rumsfeld', any orangutan within earshot does this.

Friday, April 14, 2006

FEMA Organization Chart
Victor Davis Hanson on the Outside

Victor Davis Hanson on the Inside
Rather than continue serving as symbols for the GOP,
these battered and bruised pachyderms have decided to
throw themselves into the sea.
Though not a particularly religious man,
Secretary Rumsfeld has been praying more lately,
even on camera.
Huckleberry Finn Characters Announce Birth
of Their First Child, Tom Sawyer
Jesus Crucified Again, This Time in London
Famous Mona Lisa Twins Celebrate Father's Birthday Bilingually
People around the world want democracy,
especially in the United States.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

This little boy had been hoping for a Mega Man action figure.
Minutewomen looking for Minutemen.
When these piglets grow up, they will be called
'earmarks'.
Wildlife Tip #1
Do NOT attempt to take an Easter egg
away from a meerkat.
There's an Easter egg to suit every taste:

encrusted with $87,500 in diamonds,

drilled with 3,500 holes,

or stuffed with mealworms.

Representative James Sensenbrenner has
introduced a bill in Congress that would put
melanin-deficient Republicans on the
endangered species list.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Over at Slate, we read that "Bernardo Provenzano,
an old country Mafia boss ... had been on the lamb
for more than 40 years." Do sheep live that long?
Iran claims it enriches uranium only
to make more powerful dove magnets.
Ruben Douglas had been warned not
to take a bite out of his MVP trophy,
but he did anyway.
Astronomers say two Kuiper Belt objects, Xena
and Gabrielle, are thought to be lesbians.
Even with Lady Thatcher's support,
Howard Kaloogian got less than 8% of the
vote in Tuesday's election. He blamed the
poor showing on his webmaster.
Republican leaders Hastert and Frist announced
today that proposed immigration legislation will
not contain a provision to prosecute 11 million
illegal immigrants as felons. Instead, the penalty
will be a 'Needs Improvement' mark in Citizenship
on their report cards.
Fireman McClellan could see that the firestorm
over 'the biggest sand toilets in the world' was
getting out of control.
These Indonesian protestors are trying to stop the
publication of The Playboy of the Eastern World.
At yesterday's Pentagon briefing,
Secretary Rumsfeld was struck in the
left eye by a car-bomb shard from Baghdad.
It looks like Mahmood Ahmadinejad needs
to make a call to Bird-B-Gone.
Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski
couldn't believe it when someone called
Alaska, 'The GOP Welfare State'.
Mel Brooks is giving serious thought to making a new
movie, based on Kris and Sarah Everson's fake
sextuplets scam. He plans to call it The Reproducers.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

"Can the United Nations solve the international problems to
which it's addressed? And if it can't solve those problems,
can we fix them? And if we can't fix it, is there something else
that we should be using instead? My answer to the first two
questions is No and No. My answer to the third question is Yes.
I, John Bolton, U. S. Ambassador to the UN, therefore
propose that we create a new institution, the Disunited Nations,
and that I be named the first Secretary-General of Overall Confusion."

Eat this gourmet sandwich made by Scott
MacDonald and you will pay $148. Not only do you
get supersized, but so does your bill.
Ken Livingstone, the mayor of London, was glad
to see that native son Christopher Hitchens had
returned home. But the mayor could see that all
the yellowcake from Niger Hitchens had been ingesting
was having an unusual effect.
What was first thought to be the living embodiment of
Janus turned out to be the Frist-Labrov birth anomaly
and a major step forward in American-Russian relations.
In the 1950s it took two hands to catch a high
fly ball. By the 1980s it took only one. Today,
baseball players are so highly-paid they can
catch them in their mouths.
Flying Disc of Unknown Origin Narrowly Misses
President's Head, Lands Harmlessly in Pool,
Turns Out to Be the President's Seal
A Target shopper said today she can hardly wait
until the new 18-wheeler carts hit the stores.
When this portrait was painted,
Newt Gingrich was an ardent supporter
of the U. S. invasion of Iraq. He has now
changed his mind, saying the invasion was
a terrible mistake. So when this portrait is
repainted, it will depict a Republican rat
abandoning a sinking ship.
Were Shakespeare alive today, he might have said: "Silvio
Berlusconi now exits stage left, having strutted and fretted
his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. His was
just another tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing."
With civil war in full swing, Iraqi horologists
are working long hours to make sure everyone
gets to the next explosion on time.
President Bush has expressed an interest
in hiring the couturier who currently
works for King Gyanendra of Nepal.
Washington Nationals starting righthander,
Richard 'Duck' Cheney, was booed off the
field in yesterday's season opener after
throwing only one pitch. This set a new record
as the shortest stint for a starter in MLB history.
"I pulled out of my first wife in 1981. I pulled out
of my second wife in 1999. The United States should
follow my example and pull out of Iraq in 2006."

If it's spring, it must be time for gun shows.
Boys Discover Secret Entrance to Cheney Bunker
This picture used to hang in Tom DeLay's office.
Someone noticed the other day it had disappeared,
possibly stolen.