Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #254

Micah Cawley

Weighing 3,144 pounds and stretching for

230 feet, the Big Enchilada wants you to
know that everything is under control.

"What are those?"

"Copies of George Bush's book."

Where are they from?"

"They flew off the shelves."

"Where are they headed?"

"They are migrating to the City of the Unread

in the Land of Nodding Off."

Have you heard the theory about how Hollywood

created Satana Claus and his (thinly veiled) gay

reindeer to promote the 'homosexual agenda' and

generally spread evil around the world?

MERRY XXXMAS EVERYBODY!

Rightbloggers and Other

Internet Biohazards #81

Rightly Concerned

"Is that Sarah Palin with a gun over there?"

"GRRR!"

"Ha ha!  Just kidding!"

"GRRRR!"

"Nice reindoggie!"

"GRRRRR!"

Laurent Gbagbo Sez:  "Lanny Davis?  Yum yum, eat `em up!"

"Call me 'Santa Claws', and I'll bawl my eyes out,

just like John Boehner!"

"Despite sanctions and trade embargoes, over the past decade

the United States government has granted special licenses

allowing American companies to do billions of dollars in

business with Iran and other countries blacklisted as

state sponsors of terrorism."  Aha!  Now we know the

real reason why Mahmoud hasn't been sweating an 

American invasion:  it would be bad for business! 

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #253

Frank Amedia

Ann Ward Named 'America's Next Top Anorexic'

"Just between me and you, one grizzly bear is worth more than

 an infinite number of Bryan Fischers."

After years of intensive study, the CIA has

finally decoded the secret message.  It

means: "Dude, WikiLeaks Task Force?"

Warm Scuzzies #130

Kaplan University

Empty Suit

Emptier Suit

"Whaddya think I am---an ATM?" exclaimed the Cash Cow.

Ozzy Osbourne Sez:  "I'm sick of Lady Gaga!"

"God appeared to me in a dream last night, and, I swear,

He was doing bong hits and snacking on ganja treats!"

When it appeared on ABC's World News Tonight with Diane

Sawyer, the Clapper Sound Activated On/Off Switch apparently

had a dead battery.

"Sorry, Joe, but the Alaska Supreme Court just ruled that

you have to get a shave and find a job."

"Oomph! 

Almost through! 

Damn! 

Singed my balls again!"

"Have you already forgotten what I told you last time?

I HATE Milk-Bone^® Original!"

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #45

ExxonMobil: the Next Generation Really Sucks

Unlike that math teacher you hated in high school, President

Obama can give people 'Indefinite Detentions'.  Aren't you

glad he used to teach Constitutional Law and not Algebra II? 

When an organization describes itself as a '527 Group', you

know immediately that it probably has about as many

members as 'Atheists for Masturbation'.

"Buck up!  Not ALL Republicans hate you!"

"Pedal faster, or we'll be late for the War on Easter!"

John McCain's Next Hobby Horse

Rex Tillerson, the CEO of ExxonMobil, received $21.4 million

 in compensation for 2010.  This has nothing to do, of course,

with why you're now paying more at the pump.  There's so

much money sloshing around ExxonMobil these days that

CEO pay is written off as 'spillage'.

Democratic Senator Apologizes for Not Voting with

 Republicans Against the DREAM Act and the

Repeal of DADT

The Only Green Stuff Republicans Really Like

Ghastly Monsters and Blond Giants #95

Adam Putnam and Bobby Thompson

"John, Tom just told me his dick's bigger than yours."

Bernie Goldberg says that Jesus was a Liberal

Democrat. That's true, but only because he died

young. Had he lived to be 65 (as depicted in this

imaginary portrait of the Lord),  he would have

been a Conservative Republican, like Bernie.

Little Known Fact #10

The Elephant Butterfly can consume up to

50 gallons of nectar a day.

World's Worst Yobs #204

Nicholas Ballasy

Under the FCC's new 'Net Neutrality' rules, some Internet

sperm will be able to swim faster than others.

Radio Talker and Rightblogger Hal Turner to Spend 33

Months Behind Bars for Being an Incorrigible Imbecile

Target CEO Gregg Steinhafel and His Pet

Pit Bull, Gay Basher

Pope Pius XII Gives Signal to

Bastinado Julian Assange

"Is Perfesser Reynolds a Tennessee Moonshiner?

Yer durn tootin!"

"Alexander the Great?  Pshaw!  Dead at 32, whining about

no new worlds to conquer!  What a wuss!  I'm 56 and just

getting started!"

Said Holmes acerbically,  "Yes, Watson, I'm afraid you're

uncharacteristically correct:  this is the last knife the

gnome will ever need."

"Yes, I'm a lowly Tardigrade.  But I can survive temperatures

ranging from -451 Degrees to 304 Degrees Fahrenheit, can

absorb 1,000 times more radiation than other animals, and

 can go for ten years without a drink of water.  One thing

I won't be able to survive, however, is the run-up to the

2012 presidential election.  Only humans are low enough

to survive that."

"Look, Sven, is that reindeer wearing a keffiyeh?"

"Before I go, I just want to say that I regret that I

have but one life to give for my fellow reindeer. 

And Rudolph, watch your back --- you may

be next!  Sarah's a natural-born killer!"

Ghastly Monsters and Blond Giants #94

Robert Stacy McCain and M. Stanton Evans

Oxymorons for Our Time #79

No-Nonsense Businessman

"Yo, all you mofos in the Council of Conservative Citizens!

You ain't seen nuthin' yet! Wait 'til I whip out my Enchanted

Hammer and 'boycott' your racist asses!"