Blowjobs never get any safer than this.

Isaac Couto, a Brazilian sand sculptor, spends a

week to complete one of his magnificent creations.

And despite his best efforts, it will collapse in about

three months. His sculptures give added poignance

to the Jimi Hendrix lyric, "And so castles made of

sand fall in the sea, eventually."

Representative Betty Musgrave couldn't believe

her ears when a colleague got his tongue twisted

and referred to her as a "mad cow from Colorado."

Rush Limbaugh tried to deny he had been

'doctor shopping', but his mouth was so full

of painkillers, all that came out was,

"Eyffnoogdrispd."

Melonin Nuonomvi of France Crosses Maginot Line,

Invades Bernhard Mayr of Germany

Various theories have been proposed to explain

North Carolina politics. So far, none of them can

make a lick of sense out of Vernon Robinson.

In Haiti, everybody is starving, not just artists.

"It's like when the Apostle Paul went on his

missionary journeys. He always carried the King

James Version of the Bible with him. That's why

I think the National Anthem ought to be sung

in English, just like Jesus did."

If you've ever doubted that Republicans are dickheads,

doubt no more.

Pinch Sulzberger was really disappointed when

the World's Richest Man refused to join him

in a little mano-a-mano action.

Roy Black, attorney for Rush Limbaugh,

has been held in contempt of court for

wearing a ludicrous coat and tie before

the judge.

Prayer will probably work about as well as

President Bush's 'four-point plan to slash

gas prices'.

For a long time, the unread books on your

bookshelf have been beseeching you to

'Read Me'! Apparently, they have grown tired of

you ignoring their plea. So they've now moved

into the street. Either read them now, or ignore

them at your own risk.

As this Chinese soldier shows, except when the other guy

is trying to kill you or you are trying to kill him, military

service is pretty boring.

New York Republican Representative John Sweeney

was a big hit when he showed up drunk as a skunk at

the Alpha Delta Phi party at Union College in Albany,

New York, late last Friday night. But what most impressed

the frats was the fact the Congressman had achieved his high

from eating a single stromboli and drinking only a half-glass

of wine.

Underneath the disguise of Snoop Dogg is Calvin

Broadus, just another rapacious Robber Baron

whose wealth gives him the might to, for instance,

create a fracas in Great Britain that leaves seven

policeman injured, and then to move on to the next

stop on his current 'Fuck the World' tour.

John Prescott, British Deputy Prime Minister,

had just sent out a leaflet extolling the

domestic harmony with his wife when it was

revealed that he has been carrying on a two-year

affair with his aide, Tracey Temple. Prescott is

68, his paramour is 43. When God created Adam

and Eve, is this what he had in mind?

This model is demonstrating the

latest fashion in whiplicking. After

walking off the runway, she was asked

by a fashion reporter if there had

been any changes in whiplicking

styles over the past five years. But

she remained silent, apparently

too whipped to answer.

British Home Secretary Charles Clarke is under

heavy fire for failing to deport over 1,000 foreign

nationals who have been released from prison

after serving time for, among other things,

murder and rape. He is also being criticized for

looking crapulent, growing a scrofulous beard,

and wiggling his ears.

A restaurant in Italy was recently given a stiff fine

for being cruel to lobsters. It seems this particular

eatery was displaying live lobsters on ice and was

subsequently penalized under a law forbidding the

freezing of pets. In order to defray the cost of the

fine, the restaurant steamed the lobsters, which

isn't against Italian law, and served them up with

lots of drawn butter to its hungry customers.

UN Ambassador John Bolton got really PO'ed

when someone to his left told him he looked like

a bull walrus during mating season.

"House Speaker Hastert gets out of a Hydrogen Alternative

Fueled automobile, as he prepares to board his SUV,

which uses gasoline, after holding a news conference at a local

gas station in Washington on Thursday to discuss the

recent rise in gas prices. Hastert and other members of Congress

drove off in the Hydrogen-Fueled cars only to switch to their

official cars to drive the few blocks back to the U.S. Capitol."

What the AP neglects to point out is hydrogen-fueled cars

simply cannot generate enough power to transport someone

as bulky as Dennis Hastert.

Speaking at an inter-faith meeting at Georgetown University

last Wednesday, Karen Hughes, Undersecretary of State for

Diplomacy, rebuked Midge Decter for having said of her a

few weeks ago, "She is a disaster." "If I had a husband like

Norman Podhoretz and a son like John Podhoretz," Hughes

concluded, "I'd probably be off my rocker, too."

All that Ben Bernanke has to do to show the inflation rate

is purse his lips and blow.

Iraqi archaeologists have unearthed a

cache of mortar rounds and artillery

shells dating from the time of Sargon

the Great. He ruled from 2334-2279 BC,

and is considered the founder of the

Mesopotamian military tradition.

There ARE ways to beat the high price of gas.

In the first QUARTER of 2006, the revenue

of ExxonMobil was $89 billion. To put this

into perspective, the ANNUAL Gross Domestic

Product of the United Arab Emirates, a major

oil-producing country, is only $75 billion.

When Hurricane Katrina struck Biloxi,

Mississippi, one of the casualties was Beauvoir,

the retirement home of Jefferson Davis, the

only President of the Confederacy.

Asked if this was a sign from God,

Pat Robertson, whose roots run deep in

Southern soil, would only say: "God moves

in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform."

Behold a replica of what is probably the oldest golf ball

in the world. Dating from the 13th century CE, it was first

driven into the rough not by a Scotsman, but by a Chinaman.

That's right, those who hate golf have been despising the

wrong country all these years.

When Condoleeza Rice tells you to look

into her right eye, don't do it. The last

person who did was turned into a stoned

Medusa.

At first glance, this looks like a body with a dress

painted on. But upon closer inspection, it's actually

a dress with a body painted on.

President Bush extends the right hand of fellowship to

Major Alan 'Dutch' Schaeffer, his new Secretary of

Predators and Prey.

Cuco Suarez is a Spanish performance artist.

Here he is doing a satire on war and warlords,

entitled 'News Is Written in Blood'. For the most

part, critics have reached a consensus about

his subtle symbolism, but there's still strong

disagreement over the meaning of the hockey stick.

50 Cent, the rapper with more holes

in him than a hunk of Swiss cheese,

demonstrates the pointing prowess

that has made him a very rich man.

Featherless Biped Rides Featherless Biped

As Karen looked on, Karl upbraided George for

all the low marks on his report card.

If Lee Raymond's fat carcass were

rendered, it would yield so much oil

the price of gas would plummet overnight.

Minutemen Trainspotting

Some people say Larry Silverstein is a greedy

bastard. Looks can sometimes be deceiving.

But not this time.

PepsiCo India has been fined 100,000 rupees after a man

complained he had found a condom in a cola bottle. In

other news from the rubber trade, China has belatedly

entered the highly-competitive prophylactic market with

its Midnight Rainbow collection.

Polish designer Gosia Baczynska has just

introduced her new 'Oil Spill' line of skirts.

When President Bush looked at the fuel cell,

he said, "This looks just like my 60-gig iPod.

But I can't figure out which button to push

to play my favorite Tears for Fears song,

'I Want to Rule the World'."

Disguised as a Tibetan flag, this youth is a staunch

supporter of his country's law against flag burning.

Take a look at the world's oldest football,

thought to be nearly 500-years-old.

While the world's oldest football player

is no longer extant, he is believed to have

said when he kicked the first football,

"I can't imagine anybody wasting his time

watching me do this."

Once upon a time, the GEICO Gecko was an itty-bitty thing

on the 'threatened species list' in California. Well, not any

more. In the next Godzilla movie, it will join King Ghidorah,

Rodan, Mothra, Gamera, Gigan, Ebirah, Hedorah, Megaguirus,

Baragon, Megalon, and Godzilla in a 90-minute-time-limit

free-for-all. The winner will get top billing in the sequel, as

well as much as a 15% discount on its auto insurance.

Nietszche was right: perspective is everything.

What first appears to be too many peas in a pod

is actually a boatload of watermelons.

If recruits for the Palestinian Army don't make it past

boot camp, they could always join the circus.

Civil War Buffs in the Buff Re-Enact

Sherman's March to the Sea

Diogenes went about ancient Greece vainly searching for an

honest man. His descendants now spend their time more

productively, protesting dishonest men like Bush the Makelarkes.

"You're much larger than I expected, President Talabani.

Secretary Rumsfeld says you look like Rush Limbaugh

without the Oxycontin."