Saturday, April 29, 2006

Blowjobs never get any safer than this.
Isaac Couto, a Brazilian sand sculptor, spends a
week to complete one of his magnificent creations.
And despite his best efforts, it will collapse in about
three months. His sculptures give added poignance
to the Jimi Hendrix lyric, "And so castles made of
sand fall in the sea, eventually."
Representative Betty Musgrave couldn't believe
her ears when a colleague got his tongue twisted
and referred to her as a "mad cow from Colorado."
Rush Limbaugh tried to deny he had been
'doctor shopping', but his mouth was so full
of painkillers, all that came out was,
"Eyffnoogdrispd."
Melonin Nuonomvi of France Crosses Maginot Line,
Invades Bernhard Mayr of Germany
Various theories have been proposed to explain
North Carolina politics. So far, none of them can
make a lick of sense out of Vernon Robinson.
In Haiti, everybody is starving, not just artists.
"It's like when the Apostle Paul went on his
missionary journeys. He always carried the King
James Version of the Bible with him. That's why
I think the National Anthem ought to be sung
in English, just like Jesus did."
If you've ever doubted that Republicans are dickheads,
doubt no more.
Pinch Sulzberger was really disappointed when
the World's Richest Man refused to join him
in a little mano-a-mano action.
Roy Black, attorney for Rush Limbaugh,
has been held in contempt of court for
wearing a ludicrous coat and tie before
the judge.
Prayer will probably work about as well as
President Bush's 'four-point plan to slash
gas prices'.

Friday, April 28, 2006

For a long time, the unread books on your
bookshelf have been beseeching you to
'Read Me'! Apparently, they have grown tired of
you ignoring their plea. So they've now moved
into the street. Either read them now, or ignore
them at your own risk.
As this Chinese soldier shows, except when the other guy
is trying to kill you or you are trying to kill him, military
service is pretty boring.
New York Republican Representative John Sweeney
was a big hit when he showed up drunk as a skunk at
the Alpha Delta Phi party at Union College in Albany,
New York, late last Friday night. But what most impressed
the frats was the fact the Congressman had achieved his high
from eating a single stromboli and drinking only a half-glass
of wine.
Underneath the disguise of Snoop Dogg is Calvin
Broadus, just another rapacious Robber Baron
whose wealth gives him the might to, for instance,
create a fracas in Great Britain that leaves seven
policeman injured, and then to move on to the next
stop on his current 'Fuck the World' tour.
John Prescott, British Deputy Prime Minister,
had just sent out a leaflet extolling the
domestic harmony with his wife when it was
revealed that he has been carrying on a two-year
affair with his aide, Tracey Temple. Prescott is
68, his paramour is 43. When God created Adam
and Eve, is this what he had in mind?
This model is demonstrating the
latest fashion in whiplicking. After
walking off the runway, she was asked
by a fashion reporter if there had
been any changes in whiplicking
styles over the past five years. But
she remained silent, apparently
too whipped to answer.
British Home Secretary Charles Clarke is under
heavy fire for failing to deport over 1,000 foreign
nationals who have been released from prison
after serving time for, among other things,
murder and rape. He is also being criticized for
looking crapulent, growing a scrofulous beard,
and wiggling his ears.
A restaurant in Italy was recently given a stiff fine
for being cruel to lobsters. It seems this particular
eatery was displaying live lobsters on ice and was
subsequently penalized under a law forbidding the
freezing of pets. In order to defray the cost of the
fine, the restaurant steamed the lobsters, which
isn't against Italian law, and served them up with
lots of drawn butter to its hungry customers.
UN Ambassador John Bolton got really PO'ed
when someone to his left told him he looked like
a bull walrus during mating season.
"House Speaker Hastert gets out of a Hydrogen Alternative
Fueled automobile, as he prepares to board his SUV,
which uses gasoline, after holding a news conference at a local
gas station in Washington on Thursday to discuss the
recent rise in gas prices. Hastert and other members of Congress
drove off in the Hydrogen-Fueled cars only to switch to their
official cars to drive the few blocks back to the U.S. Capitol."
What the AP neglects to point out is hydrogen-fueled cars
simply cannot generate enough power to transport someone
as bulky as Dennis Hastert.
Speaking at an inter-faith meeting at Georgetown University
last Wednesday, Karen Hughes, Undersecretary of State for
Diplomacy, rebuked Midge Decter for having said of her a
few weeks ago, "She is a disaster." "If I had a husband like
Norman Podhoretz and a son like John Podhoretz," Hughes
concluded, "I'd probably be off my rocker, too."
All that Ben Bernanke has to do to show the inflation rate
is purse his lips and blow.
Iraqi archaeologists have unearthed a
cache of mortar rounds and artillery
shells dating from the time of Sargon
the Great. He ruled from 2334-2279 BC,
and is considered the founder of the
Mesopotamian military tradition.

There ARE ways to beat the high price of gas.
In the first QUARTER of 2006, the revenue
of ExxonMobil was $89 billion. To put this
into perspective, the ANNUAL Gross Domestic
Product of the United Arab Emirates, a major
oil-producing country, is only $75 billion.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

When Hurricane Katrina struck Biloxi,
Mississippi, one of the casualties was Beauvoir,
the retirement home of Jefferson Davis, the
only President of the Confederacy.
Asked if this was a sign from God,
Pat Robertson, whose roots run deep in
Southern soil, would only say: "God moves
in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform."
Behold a replica of what is probably the oldest golf ball
in the world. Dating from the 13th century CE, it was first
driven into the rough not by a Scotsman, but by a Chinaman.
That's right, those who hate golf have been despising the
wrong country all these years.
When Condoleeza Rice tells you to look
into her right eye, don't do it. The last
person who did was turned into a stoned
Medusa.
At first glance, this looks like a body with a dress
painted on. But upon closer inspection, it's actually
a dress with a body painted on.
President Bush extends the right hand of fellowship to
Major Alan 'Dutch' Schaeffer, his new Secretary of
Predators and Prey.
Cuco Suarez is a Spanish performance artist.
Here he is doing a satire on war and warlords,
entitled 'News Is Written in Blood'. For the most
part, critics have reached a consensus about
his subtle symbolism, but there's still strong
disagreement over the meaning of the hockey stick.
50 Cent, the rapper with more holes
in him than a hunk of Swiss cheese,
demonstrates the pointing prowess
that has made him a very rich man.
Featherless Biped Rides Featherless Biped
As Karen looked on, Karl upbraided George for
all the low marks on his report card.
If Lee Raymond's fat carcass were
rendered, it would yield so much oil
the price of gas would plummet overnight.
Minutemen Trainspotting
Some people say Larry Silverstein is a greedy
bastard. Looks can sometimes be deceiving.
But not this time.
PepsiCo India has been fined 100,000 rupees after a man
complained he had found a condom in a cola bottle. In
other news from the rubber trade, China has belatedly
entered the highly-competitive prophylactic market with
its Midnight Rainbow collection.
Polish designer Gosia Baczynska has just
introduced her new 'Oil Spill' line of skirts.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

When President Bush looked at the fuel cell,
he said, "This looks just like my 60-gig iPod.
But I can't figure out which button to push
to play my favorite Tears for Fears song,
'I Want to Rule the World'."
Disguised as a Tibetan flag, this youth is a staunch
supporter of his country's law against flag burning.
Take a look at the world's oldest football,
thought to be nearly 500-years-old.
While the world's oldest football player
is no longer extant, he is believed to have
said when he kicked the first football,
"I can't imagine anybody wasting his time
watching me do this."
Once upon a time, the GEICO Gecko was an itty-bitty thing
on the 'threatened species list' in California. Well, not any
more. In the next Godzilla movie, it will join King Ghidorah,
Rodan, Mothra, Gamera, Gigan, Ebirah, Hedorah, Megaguirus,
Baragon, Megalon, and Godzilla in a 90-minute-time-limit
free-for-all. The winner will get top billing in the sequel, as
well as much as a 15% discount on its auto insurance.
Nietszche was right: perspective is everything.
What first appears to be too many peas in a pod
is actually a boatload of watermelons.
If recruits for the Palestinian Army don't make it past
boot camp, they could always join the circus.
Civil War Buffs in the Buff Re-Enact
Sherman's March to the Sea
Diogenes went about ancient Greece vainly searching for an
honest man. His descendants now spend their time more
productively, protesting dishonest men like Bush the Makelarkes.
"You're much larger than I expected, President Talabani.
Secretary Rumsfeld says you look like Rush Limbaugh
without the Oxycontin."