When the stress of being the Washington Bureau Chief for the

Associated Press makes him want to tear his hair out, Ron

Fournier takes time off for a little relaxation therapy at

McCain's Hideaway, his little cabin in the woods.

McCain Roach Wins Race to Joe's Apartment

Global Warming Forcing Polar Bears to Search for Ice

Store Manager Confirms Exclusive Contract to Supply

Spatulas to All Ten of John McCain's Homes

John McCain, August 14, 2008:

"I don't think there's any doubt the major, major issue is water and can
be as important as oil. So the compact that is in effect, obviously,
needs to be renegotiated over time amongst the interested parties."

John McCain, One Week Later, 'Refines' His Position:

"My recent remarks may have been mistakenly construed as a call to
rescind the Colorado River Compact and commence negotiations for

new water allocations. Let me be clear that I do not advocate

renegotiation of the compact."

Asked what kind of car he drove, McCain didn’t know

and had to ask a nearby aide.

“In all due respect to my colleagues,” John McCain says, "they’re

drinking the Kool-Aid that somehow I have changed positions

on the issues. All I can say is that we all grow. We all grow wiser.

And we all refine our positions.” Since he has 'refined' at least 74

of his positions, John McCain must be one of the wisest men alive.

Leaders of North and South Korea Reach Agreement

on Treaty to Ban the Use of Joy Buzzers

"What are you looking at me for? I'm not a bird of prey.

I only eat what's left over after lobbyists make a killing

and have their fill."

"Here's your morning joe, sir."

The fox was all ears to hear Obama's pick for vice president.

But he wasn't going to let it upset his composure.

Robin Leach Rises to the Defense of John McCain's Rich and

Famous Lifestyle; Well-Known Cigar Aficionado Says the

Arizona Senator Doesn't Have Nearly Enough Homes to

Accommodate All of His Political Personalities

"I'm tired of being Bill Kristol's fact checker and

David Brooks' political guru! I just want to be ME!"

"No, no, you fool, not more--gargh!--water! Do I look

like I need more--hurf!..splak!...sploosh!--water?"

The American Family Association is calling for a boycott of

Hallmark for selling a new line of same-sex marriage cards.

Says a spokesman for the AFA: "Hallmark is a private company

obviously driven by greed and the profit motive. The very idea!"

Senator McCain Finally Succeeds in Distilling

His Campaign Message into a Single Word

According to an unnamed source, neither Roquefort nor French

Dressing is served at the McCain's Hidden Valley Ranch.

The median cost of a house in America today is $220,000.

Even if you could afford to purchase a house at the median

price, you would likely have to take out a 30-year mortgage

to pay for it. By contrast, John and Cindy McCain's budget

for butlers, maids, gardeners, etc., to service and maintain

their many houses is $270,000. That's $50,000 more than

what 50% of America's homeowners pay for their houses.

And remember: the McCain's pay this amount annually.

John McCain says lobbyists are 'birds of prey'. If what he says is

true, he must be fond of them, because 159 of these rapacious

birds are playing key roles in his presidential campaign.

Andrew McCain looks so sad. Is it because he is the CFO of a

beer distributorship whose parent company was sold to some

Belgian bastards? Or is it because he had to resign from the

board of a failing bank whose stock is now worth 50¢ a share?

Someone has noted that John McCain's pet peeve is the sound

of keys jingling. Here's a photo of all his house keys.

Make them jingle.

"Would it be fair to say, Ms. Matalin, that God created you

because no one else on Earth would marry James Carville?"

"Would you like your dinosaur eggs fried, baked,

hard-boiled, or poached?"

John and Cindy would have liked to have you over for a light

supper tonight in their $12 million Phoenix ranch house, but,

alas, they sold it in 2006 so that they could move into a

$4.6 million Phoenix condo.

Things That Make Your Skin Crawl #3

Rush Limbaugh on the Prowl

If, as Senator McCain says, lobbyists are "birds of prey," why is

Randy Scheunemann, a highly-paid lobbyist for another country,

his chief foreign policy adviser? Maybe it's because Randy is a

prominent neoconservative 'hawk'.

Secretary Rice Says Missile Defense in Poland Needed to

Block Purple Death from Planet Mongo

All-Out Domicile War Declared!

McCain Drops $4.7 Million Condo on Obama's $2 Million
 Mansion, Warns: "There's a Lot More from Where That 
Came From, Mr. Celebrity Elitist!"

The very thought that Harry Reid--who she couldn't stand--

had told Joe Lieberman--who she couldn't stand--that he

couldn't stand John McCain--who she couldn't stand--

was more than she could stand.

"Evolution hasn't been as good to me as I had hoped."

"Hi, Bill! Mom and Dad want you to drop by the White

House someday soon and program the remote. OK?"

"Don't tell Groucho, but the secret word is 'Timetable'."

Cindy McCain's Arm Injured While Stretching

the Truth, Says Christian Science Monitor

"Help! Help! Jerry Seinfeld is forcing me

to use Windows Vista against my will!"

Court Gives Green Light to 'Boobs on Bikes' Parade;

President Bush Named Grand Marshall

No matter how closely he looked, he still couldn't see any

difference between John McCain and George Bush.

World's Worst Yobs #45

Marty Peretz

World's Worst Yoobs #20

Sacha Zimmerman

If Blackwater and Wal-Mart Merged

The Look of the Moral Neuter

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch . . . .

"Hey, dudes, what say we pop over to Johnny Mac's

for a little eight-ball and some cold ones!"

The working class hero stepped carefully from his private jet,
lest he scuff his $500-a-pair loafers. He was already thinking of 
what he would say about his elitist opponent at the $5,000-a-
plate fundraiser.

"Pillar of salt, John, not pillow of salt! Lot's wife was

turned into a pillar of salt. You must be thinking

about Lindsey's wife."

McCain Unsure How Many Houses He Owns; Memory Lapse

May Have Been Caused by His Years as POW

And then the day came when John McCain learned that the

Colorado River Compact had nothing to do with makeup and

wasn't something Cindy carried around in her purse.

When Knut got wind of the rumor that Joe Biden or Evan Bayh

might be Obama's choice for vice president, he reacted in the

only way a polar bear can.

"We serve no wine before its time. But when it's time,

boy oh boy, do we come a-runnin'!"