Is Iraq in the middle of a 'civil' war?

Absolutely not. It it were, the answer

to Bob Dole's question would be 'civil'.

But right now, the answer is anything but

'civil': a roadside bomb, a rocket-propelled

grenade, or a 'shoot-and-scoot' mortar round.

Sometimes money talks, sometimes it doesn't.

Mr. Smiley Face swears he loves us,

except when he's not smiling.

Outfitted and equipped only with kitchenware from Emeril

Lagasse's secret stash, the Moonbat on the left will duel

the Wingnut on the right in this week's Iron Blogger

Lutefisking competition.

Only three Holy Huggable dolls are available right

now: Holy Moses, Jesus H. Christ, and Polly Esther

Poontang. The Jesus doll also quotes a passage

from some recently-discovered 'lost gospel', where

the Savior says: "As foretold by the prophet Isaiah,

'Mary Magdalene gives really good head'."

After the attacks of 9/11, Gary Weddle vowed not

to shave until Osama bin Laden had been brought

to justice. Well, it's over five years later and Gary's

beard is over a foot long, which is even longer than

President Bush's attention span.

"Yes, my child. The Princess kissed the toad and

the toad remained the same. But the Princess became

Ann Coulter."

Orkin Men Fumigating for Giant Cockroaches in Ahmedabad

Michael Fumento has confirmed he will be playing the starring

role in War of the Colossal Beast 2: Speedo's Revenge.

If we could see the world in strictly physical terms,

as a nexus of causes and effects, we would probably

not like to live there.

The Instapundit we knew and loved as a libertarian is

no more. In his place there now sits some fatuous

authoritarian who calls himself Glenn Reynolds.

When Parallel Universes Collide

In the distance you can see what is called

'the moral high ground'. Nobody lives up

there except God and George Bush.

President Bush's new dentures won't be ready

until next week.

Dog Days for the Bounty Hunter

Did you hear they are doing a remake of

It Came From Beneath the Sea?

The bride was a no-show, so the groom

married the best man instead.

"They weren't kidding when they claimed a

Ducati could stop on a dime."

"Motorcycle, motorcycle, motorcycle!

I knew I forgot something!"

In Baghdad, they have paved the Garden of Eden

and put up a wrecking yard.

If you can imagine a city of almost six million

people filled with thousands and thousands of

Kimveer Gills, you have imagined Baghdad.

Even young orangutans in Sumatra are

saddened by the bloodshed in Baghdad.

In street tennis, the Demonstrator serves

and the Riot Policeman volleys.

"This is a Heckler & Koch .40 Caliber P2000 USP. The

Department of Homeland Security has purchased

over $26 million worth of these suckers. You know

that USP is short for Universelle Selbstladepistole,

don't you?"

If you are a horse whisperer, do not ask,

"Is it true horse meat is sweet and tender?"

Cyclists always dread the Bullshit Stage

of the Tour of Spain.

It is not widely known that Prince Akishino of

Japan made his fortune by investing shrewdly

in Just for Men's Great Looking Gray shampoo.

A Saucer Full of Illegal Aliens About to Land

Nothing else had worked, so the Forest Service firefighter

decided to place the blaze under arrest.

Appearing before the UN Security Council yesterday,

George Clooney presented a strong case for believing

his Irish surname means 'intriguing rogue',

not 'pasture', as many people think.

Beach Bully on the Prowl for 98-Lb. Weaklings

Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela, says the

members of the Non-Aligned Movement might

consider taking their countries into Midas.

Sharon Stone and Demi Moore used to suffer from

'body dysmorphic disorder'. Now they just suffer

from getting old and being over the hill.

Stock Tip #1

Sell your Ford stock and invest the proceeds in any

company that builds riot control vehicles.

To change its name from 'Christian Coalition of Alabama'

to 'Christian Action Alabama' is like putting old Thunderbird

wine into a new bottle.

The reports that Henry Kissinger is alive and well

have been greatly exaggerated.

"How do you like my new sombrero?"

World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz was caught

off guard when someone in the audience asked to

borrow his comb.

If you can see your reflection in IMF Managing Director

Rodrigo de Rato's eyes, you are are too damn close.

When it gets boring out in left field, Luke Scott

likes to play catch with the fans.

Matt Lauer always thinks of Betty Crocker when

Meredith Vieira smears frosting on his nose.

If you need more seating capacity in your home

but have limited floor space, here's one solution.

When traveling in Thailand, you need to remember

that jaywalking is not treated lightly.

Yes, they keep pets in the Vatican.

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld entered the hospital for

routine rotator cuff surgery. But then there occurred a

dreadful surgical misadventure. And so the Secretary

exited the hospital looking like a two-headed ratsnake.

Oddly enough, nobody seemed to notice the difference.

According to Syracuse University Professor Arthur

C. Brooks, Democrats are facing a serious 'fertility

gap' and Republicans are winning the 'baby battle'.

This is because, he argues, Republicans fuck anything

with a pulse and eschew birth control as a matter of

principle, whereas Democrats never learned their

multiplication tables. When asked about his own

procreational proclivity, Professor Brooks says he

is an Independent.

In his first appearance on television since his

risible performance on Dancing with the Stars,

Tucker Carlson was asked why he sat in the chair

while his partner, Elena Grinenko, gyrated on the

dance floor. "Well," he replied, "I thought 'Cha-Cha'

was Spanish for 'Lap Dance'."

Anthropologists were surprised to learn

that a hitherto unknown Brazilian tribe

uses PortaJohns like everybody else.

The word on the street is that German Chancellor

Angela Merkel can drink most any world leader right

under the table.