Saturday, June 27, 2009

Every age has a Rumplestiltskin.
Ours is Robert Stacy McCain.
Iranian President Pledges 'Crushing' Response to US
Critiques, Threatens to Use Irony, Maybe Even Sarcasm
"When you put on the Whole Armor of God next Sunday,"
says Ken Pagano, Pastor of the New Bethel Church in
Louisville, Kentucky, "don't forget to put your semi-
automatic handgun in your holster. In that way,
when you come to church, you will be better able
to stand against the wiles of the Obama Nation."

You hear a report that "Governor X has died from a
heart attack while hiking the Appalachian Trail." Using
your Ovaltine Secret Decoder Ring, you learn that the
report can be deciphered as "Governor X has died from
an Oxycontin overdose while screwing his mistress."
Mark Musselwhite, a former city councilman, mayor, and
Baptist deacon, found sitting naked and holding a beer at
his campsite told police he wasn’t the same naked man
seen walking around earlier. That man, he says, was a
Catholic bishop.
Chief Justice John Roberts--No Fan of Michael
Jackson--Waving Bye-Bye to the King of Pop

Friday, June 26, 2009

Governor Sanford Tearfully Confesses He
Suffers from a King David Complex
Democratic Representative's Wife
Pleads Guilty to Corruption Charge,
Expects Outpouring of Sympathy from
John Dickerson and William Saletan
Will Ease Her Suffering
Woo-Hoo Personals #6
Argentine Hottie with Banging Body Seeks
Relationship with Southern Gentleman Who
Enjoys Hiking the Appalachian Trail
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #50
Joyce Thomann
"Oh, Grover, I find men like you, who oppose federal
spending at the local level, to be irresistible!"
Jabba the Rush Says Obama Drove Sanford
Over the Edge, Just Like He Did Him

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Whatever your opinion of Michael Jackson was, his
passing today at age 50 is an occasion to remember
the words of John Donne:

"No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee."
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen grossed over $60 million
on its first day in theaters, setting a new box office record.
Critics attribute the movie's success to its all-star cast, including
Mark Sanford, John Ensign, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Mark
Foley, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Jim McGreevey,
John McCain, Fred Thompson, Gary Hart, Rudolph Giuliani,
Rush Limbaugh, Larry Craig, David Vitter, and Bob Livingston.
Well, folks, it's like this. Jesus had planned to
return someday fairly soon, but when He saw
what His erstwhile disciples had devolved into,
He had second thoughts and said, "First of all,
stop capitalizing pronouns whose antecedent
is me! That really gets on my nerves! Second
of all, if I ever decide to return one of these days,
many of you who now so vociferously claim to be
my disciples aren't going to be happy. Instead,
you're going to weep and gnash your teeth when
I say to you, 'I cast ye into outer darkness for
being such Billy Grahams on the outside and
such feculent chamberpots on the inside!'"
Sarko the Giant Putting Another Spell on the Unwary,
Especially the French
Most people don't know that Frosty the Snowman
died from complications associated with passing
quarter-sized hailstones.
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #49
Robert Bork
"Goddam Israeli dove!"
The next time you hear about civilian casualties in
Iraq, Pakistan, and Afghanistan, remember that each
one has a face, some quite beautiful.
John Dickerson, Chief Political Correspondent for
Slate, thinks you are heartless for laughing at Mark
Sanford. So, stop it right this minute! If you need
someone to laugh at, laugh at him. He's pretty funny.
Diplomats couldn't believe it when they learned that
all it took to change the face of Iran was a Happy Meal.
Cindy could never resist when John looked into
her eyes and said, "Let's play doctor."
Now Better Known as 'Big John and Sparkie'
As it turns out, if the Obama Administration had called
its economic recovery plan a 'sparking package' instead
of a 'stimulus package', Governor Sanford wouldn't have
had a problem with it.
Rightist Paranoiac Finds Out They
Really Were Out to Get Him
World's Worst Yobs #106
Jim VandeHei

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

"Welcome to the Seventh Century, my fellow Iranians!
As you can see, we have made great progress since the
dark days of the Sixth Century!"
Why are you stalking Floyd Landis? Hasn't
he suffered enough?
Mitt Romney is feeling more and more
pressure to cheat on his wife, lest he find
himself isolated and uncompetitive in the
2012 race for the Republican presidential
nomination.
Senator Ensign was dismayed to learn that his 40th anniversary
remake of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice had been coldcocked at
the box office by Governor Sanford's Blame It on Buenos
Aires
, his homage to that cinematic masterpiece of 25
years ago, Blame It on Rio.
And then the day came when a candidate who had
any hope of being nominated for President on the
Republican ticket had to first commit adultery and
then confess with bloody tears in order to prove he
was "a very sincere, humble, and impressive person."
'Hiking the Appalachian Trail'? Thank you, Governor
Sanford! That's a euphemism we can believe in!
Is this what is called a 'cock tease'?
$100,000 Bufo baxteri Recovery Program Grant
Sparks Great Wyoming Toad Rush of 2009
"Is there any particular reason, Governor, why 'Don't
Cry for Me Argentina' is your favorite song?"
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #48
Randy Neugebauer
Haley Barbour, Mississippi's Republican governor,
is considering a run for the presidency in 2012. He
is currently giving free steak dinners to top GOP
strategists to find out if anybody takes him
seriously.
When the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck say
something particularly egregious, the usual defense
offered by rightists is that "They're just entertainers,
so lighten up!" Of course, the same could be said of
game dogs and fighting cocks.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

American Empire #46
It's All About US
What America needs most right now
is a new word for 'neologisms'.
Obama Toughens Stance on Iran, Says
He's Considering the 'Black Hat Option'

Earthrace circumnavigated the Earth in just 60 days,
23 hours, 49 minutes. You can now buy it for only
$1.5 million. It's great for outrunning pirates on
the high seas.
"With malice toward none, with charity for all" is a
phrase from Lincoln's Second Inaugural which has
never, thus far, crossed Newt Gingrich's lips.
When you see a phalanx of riot police like this one,
the first word which comes to mind is not 'liberty'.
Somewhere Along the Appalachian Trail with Mark Sanford
Regardless of what the People for the Ethical Treatment of
Round and Fuzzy Things thought, Dinara intended to smash
the bejesus out of the tennis ball.
"Life is an unending bowl of vanilla," said the Bored Teen.
"I like vanilla," said the Old Man.

Monday, June 22, 2009

"Whooeee, that was close! You almost missed
the Fighting Keyboarder Express to Tehran!"
On Location in Tehran for the Filming of Citizen Kane's
Cane
, a Sequel to Orson Welles' Immortal Masterpiece