"When you put on the Whole Armor of God next Sunday," says Ken Pagano, Pastor of the New Bethel Church in Louisville, Kentucky, "don't forget to put your semi- automatic handgun in your holster. In that way, when you come to church, you will be better able to stand against the wiles of the Obama Nation."
Whatever your opinion of Michael Jackson was, his passing today at age 50 is an occasion to remember the words of John Donne:
"No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less. As well as if a promontory were. As well as if a manner of thine own Or of thine friend's were. Each man's death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind. Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee."
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen grossed over $60 million on its first day in theaters, setting a new box office record. Critics attribute the movie's success to its all-star cast, including Mark Sanford, John Ensign, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Foley, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Jim McGreevey, John McCain, Fred Thompson, Gary Hart, Rudolph Giuliani, Rush Limbaugh, Larry Craig, David Vitter, and Bob Livingston.
Well, folks, it's like this. Jesus had planned to return someday fairly soon, but when He saw what His erstwhile disciples had devolved into, He had second thoughts and said, "First of all, stop capitalizing pronouns whose antecedent is me! That really gets on my nerves! Second of all, if I ever decide to return one of these days, many of you who now so vociferously claim to be my disciples aren't going to be happy. Instead, you're going to weep and gnash your teeth when I say to you, 'I cast ye into outer darkness for being such Billy Grahams on the outside and such feculent chamberpots on the inside!'"
John Dickerson, Chief Political Correspondent for Slate, thinks you are heartless for laughing at Mark Sanford. So, stop it right this minute! If you need someone to laugh at, laugh at him. He's pretty funny.
Senator Ensign was dismayed to learn that his 40th anniversary remake of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice had been coldcocked at the box office by Governor Sanford's Blame It on Buenos Aires, his homage to that cinematic masterpiece of 25 years ago, Blame It on Rio.
And then the day came when a candidate who had any hope of being nominated for President on the Republican ticket had to first commit adultery and then confess with bloody tears in order to prove he was "a very sincere, humble, and impressive person."
Haley Barbour, Mississippi's Republican governor, is considering a run for the presidency in 2012. He is currently giving free steak dinners to top GOP strategists to find out if anybody takes him seriously.
When the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck say something particularly egregious, the usual defense offered by rightists is that "They're just entertainers, so lighten up!" Of course, the same could be said of game dogs and fighting cocks.