"Damn! I can't wait a whole year for the next CPAC!

My species only lives for three weeks and I was born 

yesterday!"

John McCain now says it was 'inappropriate' for him

to call Ted Cruz and Rand Paul 'Wacko Birds' and

to tell them, "Go to time-out!"

Palin Pulls a Rubio

Lady Liberty-Loving Soda Drinker

Cliff Kincaid, who believes Barack Obama's real father

 was an Hawaiian communist named Frank Marshall

 Davis, has been described as "a pasty, jowly, narrow-

eyed activist."  That sounds about right.

Big Bigots, Little Bigots #17

Matthew Heimbach

Old Men with Guns #1

Jimmy Lee Dykes

Mitt Romney Enjoys Final Fifteen Minutes of Fame

at CPAC

Ina Drew Sez:  "JPMorgan Chase's $6.2 billion trading

loss wasn't my fault; I was just the Chief Investment

Officer overseeing trading strategy."

[Speaking in the passive voice,

"Mistakes were made."]

Louie Gohmert believes that just one week before the

 North Vietnamese were ready to capitulate and 

declare Unconditional Surrender, the people in 

Washington decided that the United States would 

surrender instead.  

[Those who misremember the past

 are condemned to repeat it.]

When asked if he’d accept a society where African-

Americans were permanently subservient to whites, 

Scott Terry, a CPAC particpant, said, “I’d be fine 

with that.”

'Thumbs Up' traditionally translates as the foulest of 

gesticular insults in some Middle Eastern 

countries — the most straightforward 

interpretation is "Up yours, pal!" 

[Rick Perry evidently has two pals.]

Deacon Perry Embraces Pastor Jeffress After

Disfellowshipping John McCain and Mitt

Romney at CPAC

Rand Paul just may have a point about John McCain

being 'stale and moss-covered'.

"Oh my God, for a moment there, I thought I was

a Texan!"

"No, I'm not an old maid because

I have a Glock hidden in my

 vagina.  That's just an urban 

legend."

What a surprise it was when the Chancellor of Germany

turned out to be the real Petunia Pig, not Gretchen

Carlson of Fox News, as had been widely supposed.

"Oh, don't mind us.  We're just a pile of anti-American 

propaganda you've probably already forgotten about."

"I'm here to wreak vengeance on anyone who dares 

to make a mathematical pun on 'National Pie Day'."

Why isn't there some sort of prize, like a Pulitzer or

a Nobel, for ammo?

If you have a hard time remembering Carrie Prejean's

name, you might consider using a mnemonic, like

 'Former Miss California with a Subsidized Boob Job'.

Carpool, Standard-Size

Carpool, Olympic-Size

Carl Jung-Un, the Son

Carl Old-Un, the Father

In a little over a week, Steven Tyler

will turn 65 and, thanks to the 

Hawaiian legislature, he will be

 able to walk around naked in his

Maui backyard without fear of a 

papparazo taking and then

publishing pictures of him that

 prove he now looks like a fairly

well-preserved old lady.

"Believe me, Pootie-Poot, Sheriff Joe is not nearly

 as tough as you are."

McDonald's new 'Egg White Delight' sounds about as

 upchuckingly tasty as Jack-in-the-Box's 'Hot Mess'.

Maybe a dick, but not a Cheney.

Diamond Dog Democrats Purchase

$10.5 Million NYC Crib

Pope Francis Rumored to Be a Very Popular DJ/Producer 

with the Midnight Mass Crowd

If, as Politico says, Chris Christie and Bob McDonnell

are 'Republican rock stars of 2009', where, pray tell,

are their guitars?

"Help me!  My fingers are like spiderlegs!"

Since 1983, the Family Research Council has been 

saying:  "Society never gave young people the 

right to engage in sex outside of marriage. 

Functioning societies don’t do that, they stop

 it, they punish it, they corral people, they 

shame people, they do whatever."  We should 

be thankful.  Had the FRC existed in the Middle

 Ages, it would have been opposed to sex 

inside of marriage as well.

New Pope Said to Be Very Frank

North Korean Ambassador at Vatican, 

Hawking Gambling Site

Warm Scuzzies #377

Jennifer Carroll

Imagine James Clapper, Director of National Intelligence,

singing 'Put on a Happy Face'.

"Why, of course, the celebration of Jesus 

Christ's nativity is the centerpiece of 

my faith.  Can't you tell?"

Hey, Stacey Campfield!  National Napping Day was

yesterday.

Sarah Palin Celebrates Victory in NYC for 

the Statue of Liberty-Loving Soda Drinkers

"What's that?"

"It calls itself 'Paul Ryan's Budget'."

"Oh, just another mythological creature."

"Yeah."

The Doomsday Prepper was ready when a judge blocked 

New York City's limit on big sugary drinks. 

World's Worst Jobs #131

Bangladeshi Chemical Drum Recycler

Wayne LaPierre Celebrates National Napping Day

Have you ever wondered where they get

Landshark Lager?

Well, wonder no more.

Giant Mosquitoes May Strike Florida

Rand Paul Leads GOP into the

Night of the Long Knives

"Eat you?  No way, man!  My doctor told me to 

cut back on fatty snacks."