Saturday, March 21, 2009

Thousands of Flag-Waving Orlando Residents Join
Michelle Malkin in Protesting, "Free AIG Executives
From Populist Oppression!"

A giant fossil Limbaughsaur found in the Arctic and
known as 'Predator X' had a bite that would make T-Rex
look feeble, scientists say.
"With a crushing 33,000 pounds
per square inch bite force
," says one paleontologist, "the
Limbaughsaur could chew up and spit out a modern-day
Republican before he could say, 'Rush Limbaugh is
meaningless to me'."

"I used to say, 'Aarrgh!', when I was disgusted.
Now I say, 'AIG'!"
Two facts have been recently uncovered by the Lunatic
Fringe for which we should all be grateful. First, Barack
Obama is the first President of the United States to use
a Teleprompter. Second, Al Gore invented it.
"Jeff Zucker was right!" Rafael thought. "Sometimes you do
see the world more clearly when you’re flat on your back."
"Most people don't know this, kid, but Rico Browning,
the co-creator of Flipper, was the gill man in
The Creature From the Black Lagoon
"Is that angry mob headed toward AIG headquarters?"

"Nah, it's a bunch of Dittoheads headed toward Rush
Limbaugh's house. Seems as if he's become all PC
and shit."
For years, people believed Richard Nixon's
body had been interred.
Daguerreotype Suggests Pet Blogging Started in the 1850s,
Much Earlier Than Once Thought
With Visions of Bursting 155mm Projectiles
Dancing in His Head

Child Being Spanktimonious

AIG was thinking of changing its name to
something less radioactive, like IGA.
Unfortunately, that initialism was already
"Andrew, Laura Bush is on the phone and
says she needs someone to walk her dogs.
She says the job pays well and is more
secure than your job with the L. A. Times.
Would you be interested?"
Are 'toxic assets' like 'nutritious liabilities'?

Friday, March 20, 2009

World's Worst Yobs #85
Jake Tapper

Tranche Mouth is what makes AIG
bonus recipients easy to spot.
World's Worst Jobs #91
Chinese Recyclable Materials Collector
If he had been as crafty as Howard Madoff, Josef Fritzl would
have made a lot more money and would now have some in the
media asking, "Has Josef been inhumanely incarcerated?"
"Get lost, bum! Sheesh! I thought they had
banned panhandling on this beach!"
"I'm horny," said Joe the Plumber. But he didn't look very horny.
Mother Abandons OctoRush, Has Tubes Tied,
Takes Vow of Chastity, Enters Nunnery
You know a bank is in bad shape when you can buy
a share of its stock for less than what it costs to use
one of its ATMs.
Tranche Warfare

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Rahm Emanuel, President Obama's chief of staff,
says the AIG bonuses are just a "big distraction."

Rasmussen Poll says 88% of the American people
are following the AIG bonuses story 'closely'.
Shitibank CEO Vikram Pandit to Spend
$10 Million in Bailout Money on Executive
Suite Renovation
David Axelrod, senior adviser to President Obama, says:
"People are not sitting around their kitchen tables
thinking about AIG."

Gallup Poll
"Three in four Americans (76%) want the government to
take actions to block or recover the bonuses insurance
giant AIG paid its executives after receiving federal
bailout funds."
"When I learned that the amendment I added to the
federal stimulus bill to make sure that already-existing
contracts for bonuses at companies receiving federal
bailout money were honored would benefit AIG, a
company headquartered in Connecticut, my home
state, I thought: "Good Lord, what an AMAZING
Move over, Poppin' Fresh! Make
room for the AIG Doughboy!
"Listen up, buttface! In troubled times, the men’s college
basketball tournament is the best diversion we have!"
Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #18
My Wife Is a Zombie Banker

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Remember when you learned that the face of the
'Man in the Moon' was just an optical illusion
created by craters? Well, the same could be
said of the face of Edward Liddy.

"Like I used to say when I was CEO at Allstate,
'Just wait till we get our hands on you'."
"Damn you, Tucker Carlson, damn you, damn you, damn you!
Just when I was beginning to recover from the ass-kicking I
received from Jon Stewart, here you come rushing to my
defense, giving the impression that the only friend I have,
besides Richard Cohen and Jeff Zucker, is a Dancing with
the Stars loser like you."
"Surprisingly, the CEO of AIG didn't put up much
of a fight when we told him he was about to
become the world's longest sausage."
World's Worst Yobs #84
Mickey Kaus
A Portrait of the Fearmongering Sadist as an Old Man
When it was time for Jeff Zucker to get his ears,
all that was left was little pygmy hippo ears.
Some say moral decay starts with the face and works its
way down. Case in point: Edward Liddy, CEO of AIG.
Saint Kyl of the Perpetual Earmark
"Hey, PingPing! Thanks for bringing the shoe!
I'll bet the Canadians will have to build a bigger
cannon to fire that one at George Bush!"
"I'm in the middle of a meeting with the President
right now, so I just have a minute. As I feared, he's
started addressing me as 'Tiny Tim'. Thus far, I can't
tell if he has the musician or the Dickens character
in mind. Either way, it's bad news."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Why do the seventy-three AIG employees lined up to
receive their bonuses and become new millionaires
all seem to look alike?
"Does it look like I still have my adenoids, bitch?"
You always knew when Jim Cramer flashed the Sign
of the Cuckold, investors were being screwed by
Wall Street behind their backs.
Kid Obama Knocked Cold in First Round
by the Moolah Mauler
AIG Employee 'Goes Galt', Quits Job, Receives $4.6 Million
Bonus; "Not Working Worth More Than Working," He Says
World's Worst Yobs #83
Rick Klein
Joe Cassano, former head of AIG's Financial Products
Division, made $280 million while bringing his company
to its knees. He was then fired, given a $34 million bonus,
and put on a $1 million a month salary as an AIG consultant.
Joe doesn't get out much these days, spending most of his
time somewhere underground, surrounded by bodyguards.
Gerry Pasciucco, head of AIG's Financial
Products Division, along with his wife,
Kelly, want to thank you for the very
nice retention bonus. As a token of
appreciation for your support, Gerry is
wearing today his favorite designer Che
Guevara tee, for which he paid a trifling $250.
"In dealing with the AIG bonuses issue, why didn't
President Obama use some of that 'smart power'
his Secretary of State is always talking about?"