Tuesday, March 03, 2015

New Study Shows Americans Safe from Gun Violence
 Except in Schools, Malls, Churches, Airports, Theatres, 
Workplaces, Streets, and Homes
Sign on Bank of Canada Wall:  
Thank You for Not Spocking
Breaking News Mashups #10
'Driver Is Apparently Shocked Over Arrest of
Woman Who Needs Just Four Hours of Sleep
Per Night'
The Greater Israeli Roadrunner is a featherless biped in 
the cuckoo family whose perennial adversary is the 
Lesser Iranian Coyote.
Irony Alert!  Rick 'Crazy Sesher' Perry Questions
Hillary Clinton's Love of Country
"The mountain is high, the valley is low
And you're confused 'bout which way to go
So I flew here to give you a hand
And lead you into the promised land."
If, as Pat Robertson says, drinkers and pot smokers are 
'enslaved to vegetables', what about vegans, like Adam 
and Eve?  Did God not plant a garden in Eden, grow in
 it plants that were good for food, and say, "Of every 
tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat?" 
According to testimony by a DEA agent in Utah, hemp
grown in the wild is known to produce Amazing Colossal
Petrified Rabbits.

Monday, March 02, 2015

Guy Busted with Container Labeled 'Not Weed'
Says It Kept Him from Accidentally Smoking 
His Ovaltine
When asked why only 0.3% of the folks voted for him in
the CPAC Straw Poll, Mike Huckabee could only give
the Sign of Dubya.
Andrea Shea King is scary enough when she's not in
scare quotes, but, in them, she is hair-raising and
blood-curdling.  Well, sorta.
Trump Says His Superior Autographing
Skills Would Solve the Playboy Problem
"More Quickly Than You'd Think"
Dr. Koop Offers Scott Walker
Some Medical Advice
"I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said, 
'Don't be ridiculous, everyone hasn't met you yet!'."
"Relax, John!  That's just the Hand of Israel in your pocket."
CPAC Remainder Bin
Guess who's inside the Purple RINO suit?
"If you got the cookies, I got the hugs!"
"As you can see, my bubble is bigger than your bubble."
Even Mark Halperin's mouth is skewed to the right.
Recently-Declassified Photograph #40
Maggie Thatcher and Bill O'Reilly Celebrating
the British Victory in the Falklands War, 1982
Three on a Match

Two on a Flamethrower
Four Out of Five Muff Divers Recommend
Muff-So-Soft
When he saw he got only 1.1% of the vote in the CPAC 
Straw Poll, Rick Perry realized that he should spend less
 time running for President and more time trying to keep
 his sorry ass out of jail.

Sunday, March 01, 2015

Which twin has the Toni?
State Representative Tony Tinderholt (R-TX) is such a 
fan of 'opposite marriage' he's been married five times.
He's also a devout Catholic in good standing.
Warm Scuzzies #535
Tony Tinderholt
"Rest assured, fellow cheeseheads, my project to turn reality 
into a mirror image of The Onion is ahead of schedule and 
under budget."
On immigration reform, Scott Walker is the first
presidential candidate in modern times to perfect 
the Triple Backflip with Full Twist.
Allegories for Our Time #30
Two Angels Play a Game of Adieu, Christie, Adieu! 
to Decide the Fate of a Presidential Hopeful

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Rand Paul Adds Another Straw Pole to His Collection
"Has anybody seen my marbles?"
"Our government in Washington has been infiltrated by 
Muslims and my brain is full of fuck!"
CPACycle
"No fapping, boys, no fapping!"
"ISIS is like a virus that takes out your whole computer. 
If you don't weed it out you're just gonna be back at 
it again more and more.  So America needs to send
John McAfee to the Middle East now!"
Some People Never Learn
Someone please start a Go Funk Me campaign so Richard 
Mack can buy this Zigaboo Modeliste album.
Le fils de le buisson (after Magritte)
For those who take a more Freudian view of life,
there's the Plush Stool Bank.
Rail Splitter Explaining Why Hoover and Harding
Weren't Invited to the Party of Lincoln
Jumbo Jet Taxis on the CPAC Runway
You could always tell when she was voting against
someone in the CPAC Straw Poll.
"Yeah, you have to admit I'm pretty darn clever.  I've
 figured out a way to fart on the flag while, at the same 
time, people here at CPAC are thinking I'm 
superpatriot."
Flag Desecration #84

Friday, February 27, 2015

Funeral Home Fans Very Popular at CPAC 2015
Joe McCarthy didn't live to see that the 
center of the web of government subversion
 would be the Republican-controlled House 
of Representatives.  Lucky guy!
William Temple, the Most Illustrious Transtemporal
Cross-Dresser of the 21st Century, Leads CPAC
Attendees in Walking Out of Jeb Bush Speech
Good News for the Deparment of Homeland Security!  
Payday Loans Now Available from EZ House of 
Representatives!