Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #58
Jim Robinson

If you discover a gecko in your house,
don't panic---unless, that is, it tries to
sell you some auto insurance.

"In the U.K., you can walk for a day and you'll end up in a pub.
In Australia, you can walk for twelve days and end up looking
like a total idiot."

"Yes, I'm very confident the Congress will
pass significant health care reform by
the end of the Holocene Epoch."

Rupert and Roger, the Roto-Rooters of Cesspoolitics

"Some of you may be wondering about the $468,000
I have spent on travel over the past six years. Look
at it this way: when you are on a mission from God,
you go where the Lord leads you. And he's lead me
to Paris, Beijing, Stockholm, Munich, and London,
as well as all over South Carolina and the United
States."

"You left out Buenos Aires, Governor."

Even the pigeons live large in the high-rent district.

"Fly, fly, fly away,
you let me fly so high.
Oh, fly, fly,
so high against the sky, so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you, thank God for you,
the wind beneath my wings."

"Apparently, you are there and I'm not. And that's
the way it is, July 18, 2009."

"Yes, Tim Geithner and Madeleine Albright
'have my back' at the moment, but I don't know
if that's just a cliche or if they really are
standing behind me right now."

Twitter or Shitter? When it comes to Howie Kurtz,
what's the difference?

Big Head Todd

and the Monsters

What if it turned out that making love and
making war were two sides of the same coin?
What then?

Most people don't know that Bill Murchison's
career as a nationally-syndicated conservative
columnist was launched when he won the Ugliest
Man on Campus contest as an undergraduate.

The 'long form' of Barack Hussein Obama's birth
certificate has finally been released. First, the good
news for birthers : our current President wasn't born
on August 4, 1961, in Hawaii. Second, the bad news:
he was born behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, Texas,
on November 22, 1963.

Bildungblog Exclusive!
World's Biggest Bong Discovered
at Birther Boot Camp

Maybe it's true that Joakim Noah's Y-Chromosome
is bigger than David Stern's.

Remember this jerk? Well, while there's a lot to be said
in favor of a good memory, sometimes it's better to forget.

Want to feel vicariously the chill of hatred
and the thrill of madness? All you have to
do is empathize for a few minutes with
Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC).

Having enjoyed 30 Days of Fame as the 'World's
Oldest Man', Henry Allingham, age 113, died today
while chortling at all the losers who get, at most,
only 15 Minutes of Fame.

Of all the network offers to provide a friendly
place where aides to Governor Mark Sanford
could frame the conversation to their boss'
advantage, only David Gregory promised to
supply the Anal Lube for free.

What really ended the affair between Governor
Sanford and his Argentine mistress was when
she said she was tired of carrying all the camping
gear for their hikes on the Appalachian Trail.

No-Melt Chocolate Created By Swiss
Identified by Consumer Product
Safety Commission as Choking Hazard

"Look, dude, we're facing a serious logistical
challenge here, so could you please dial back
the sexual innuendo a notch or two?"

Teens' Numb Thumbs Caused by Texting;
Seniors' Thumbs Up Caused by Sexting

Q: "What would Pat Buchanan have to say to get

himself fired from MSNBC?"

A: "Good Lord, Mr. Tillinghast, that was a rusty load!"

Other than a barricade across the road to health

care reform, can anyone think of another use

for Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA)?

Kindle (aka 'Memory Hole')

If you have to ask how much it costs

to buy a conservative lobbying group,

you really can't afford one.

Why is it most people favor 'Obamacare'
over 'Malkincare'?

"Yes, my child, I broke my wrist. But you should see the
shiner I gave that Dunker who tried to immerse God's
Vicar in his own bathtub!"

In one sense, this is a picture of Joe Lieberman.
In another sense, it is a picture of what goaded
some chemist into formulating Preparation H.

Atwater City Councilman Offers a Recent Photograph
as Proof That He Isn't Capable of Understanding
What Racism Is

The Unexpurgated Bible #22
"And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them
up, and their houses, and all the men and women that
appertained unto Centrism, and all their goods. And
the people said, 'Good riddance, O Lord, good riddance!"

You know you're a Ho when people say
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" and it's July.

Republican Senator Announces He'll Vote for
Sotomayor as Soon as Somebody Jump Starts
His Pacemaker

C Street Group to Re-Brand as
'Whoremongers R Us'

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #19
I Suck Your Flesh 2: The Joy of Sachs

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #57

Catherine Crabill

What Got Dirk Nowitzki in Trouble with Cristal
Taylor, Crystal Ann Taylor, Christian Julie
Wellington, Christian B. Travino, Crystal Nobles,
Christy Nobles, Kristi Briana Westerhauf, Cristal
Taylor Westerhaus, Christa A. Westerhays, Deborah
Jackson, Shana Mancini, Crista Santiago, Crystal
Ann Santiago, Crystall Ann Taylor, and Kristin
L. Rogers--Who, As it Turned Out, Was the Same
Woman Who, Using Multiple Aliases, Had Fallen
in Love with His Tongue

Let's face it, folks. We Americans always seem
to be able to afford ways of killing people. That's free
enterprise. But we can't seem to be able to afford to
keep people alive with universal health insurance.
That's socialism.

Man Says He's Not Embarrassed
to Expose His Yellow Teeth

USA, Take Notice: 'Victory in Afghanistan
Parade' Draws Huge Crowd in England

"Not all Republican cats are fat. I'm living proof
that's just a stereotype."

Cheng Shiqun to Sarah Palin: "If you want to
keep your hair from thinning, avoid politics."

"Now that you mention it, I think I began my descent
into madness in about 1980, while I was writing
speeches for Vice President Mondale."

Republicans Heap Praise on Sotomayor, Say
They Were Just Pretending to Be Bigots

Obama's Approval Rating Sinks to 57%; Trigger
to Start New War About to Be Pulled?

All that Senator Coburn really needed to know
he learned watching I Love Lucy re-runs.

"Mr. Tancredo, were you born a creep,
or did you have to learn to be one?"

"Sorry, pal, but I can't see any way you can fulfill
your mission in life without getting your feet wet."

An Organization Chart That Even Joe
the Dumbass Plumber Can Understand

World's Worst Yobs #112
Ben Stein

Glenn Beck has health care. This means
doctors and nurses have to view and
touch his squid-like flesh. Ugh!

World's Worst Yobs #111
Cody Willard

If Richard Nixon Had Been an Okie

When two Mormon elders appeared on his front porch,
he asked if they were selling hand-hammered woks or
Miracle Blades III. When they said they weren't selling
either, Fearguth turned them away, for he didn't believe
in the separation of church and infomercials.

I Remember Dubya #26
No doubt about it, Dubya had the nose of a raptor, but,
unfortunately, it was the nose of a chickenhawk.

"Howie Kurtz, I don't love you despite your conflicts of
interest; I love you because of your conflicts of interest.
I can hardly wait to give you a big hug and a pow to the
kisser! Like you, I'm conflicted."

Very Popular Right Now with Bonus Babies at Goldman Sachs

Jesus could walk on water. Sarah Palin could walk
on bullshit. Will miracles never cease?

"Quite frankly, I think UnderJams Nightwear is highly
overrated. As to your second question, yes, I have an
opinion on everything, even on things that don't yet exist."

Fearguth's Rules of Order #30
Now is not the time to ask an angry monkey if
Boudreaux's Butt Paste might help.

"Sarah Palin, you are the music in me!"

"All 20,000 kilos of Puntas Del Oro Marijuana
present and accounted for, sir!"

Tex-Mex Junkie's Nightmare

40 Years After Moon Landing: Why Can't We
Cure Cancer on Earth Like We Did Up There?

"What are you thinking about, Mr. Bones?"

John Ensign and Harry Reid have an
agreement not to criticize each other.
They know if they didn't have such an
agreement, they would never get any
work done.

Wise Latina Woman Confounds Foolish Old White Men

Defense Department Funding Energetically Autonomous
Tactical Robots (EATRs) Which Can Re-Fuel by Ingesting
Any Organic Material, Including Human Bodies

"Not only do I have no intention of resigning in light of
my affair with Cindy Hampton and my parents’ $96K payout
to her family, but I plan to find another Nevada wife I can
seduce and another husband I can cuckold before I run for
re-election to the Senate in 2012."

World's Worst Yobs #110
Jason Mattera

Want to flush pounds away? Here's how!

There are two pathways to Zero Human Population we
can follow on Planet Earth: too little reproduction or
too much. At present, we are following the latter path.
And, given our propensity to copulate, there's little
chance we'll abandon this path any time soon.

"'Florida has just suffered one of the worst blowjobs
ever'. Whoops! I can't say that on teevee!"

"Uh-oh! I think that policeman heard you say Chairman
Mao looks an awful lot like your old charwoman."

"No, I can't hum 'Flight of the Bumblebee'.
So, buzz off, pollinator!"

"No, son, that's not a joke! My name really
is Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III."

Younger Generation of Sociopaths Say
Pat Buchanan Getting Too Old to Be
Their Spokesman on MSNBC

"Stop it, you loon! Whaddya think
I am---the Washington Post?"

"Who do you think you are---the Chief
Justice of the Supreme Court?"

Sign of the Times #4
Double Bind

World's Worst Yoobs #43
Abigail Thernstrom

He had always taken pride in playing fair. But what had
that gotten him? A reputation for being soft on bullshit,
that's what! So, the time had come to get down and
play dirty!

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #56
Ann Althouse

"Goldman Sachs' $3.44 billion profit for the second quarter
is right on time. We did good, Ben, we did good. We did even
better than Hank Paulson did."

"Let's split! When people start attacking

the McDonald's logo, the end of the world

must be at hand. So, before that happens,

let's go grab one of those new Burger King

Seven Inchers."

"Would I favor a surtax on those of us making over

$350,000 a year in order to pay for universal health

care? My dear young man, if you think I look like an

eleemosynary institution, you obviously don't

understand the essence of felinity."

Sights for Sore Eyes #2

These eyes aren't sore. Are yours?
If not, whose are?

And God said unto the Diamond, "Make thyself scarce."
And it did. Thus was created the concept of value and
the study of economics, the dismal science.

By now, you've probably heard of the teen who

fell into a manhole while texting. Pretty funny,

eh? Have you heard that Thales, the first Greek

philosopher, fell into a well while star-gazing?

Pretty funny, eh?

"You mustn't let it get under your skin when people

make fun of your name, General. People make fun

of my name all the time. But you'll have to admit

that Stanley is a lot funnier than Barack."

"If it persists in refusing to tear along the

dotted line as we wish, I will recommend to

the President that we adopt the LeMay

Doctrine and bomb Afghanistan back into

the Stone Age."

"But General, Afghanistan is already back

in the Stone Age."

"It is? Well, what comes before the Stone Age?"

"WikiAnswers says this question has not

been answered yet."

"Darn!"

"Have you 'Gone Galt', sir, or are you

just a Van De Weghe sculpture?"

Will Justice Sotomayor favor Hispanic and other

minority litigants over clowns like Senator Jon

Kyl (R-AZ)? One can only hope so!

I Remember Dubya #25

Compared to Sarah Palin, Dubya wasn't shallow;

he was Project Mohole.

Have you ever tried to drown a duck by pouring

water on its back? If you have, you know it's

about as effective as trying to sink a politician

with accusations of hypocrisy, lying, breaking

campaign promises, grandstanding, special

pleading, doubletalking, grifting, and

bullshitting.

"We’re passing through the worst economic

dislocation of the past 80 years. Our politics

are polarized; our institutions gridlocked. The

governing party is mistrusted, the minority party

despised. Yet there’s remarkably little radical

thinking taking place. That's why the time is ripe for

us to give heed to Pope Benedict's third encyclical,

Caritas in Veritate, authored by an 82-year-old

graduate of the Hitler Youth and written in

radical, yet nonpartisan, Latin."

Ceci Connolly, the Washington Post's expert on all matters

health care, describes herself as 'Journalist, Analyst,

Facilitator'. That last noun is so beige. Much more

colorful is 'Pay2Player'.

"I didn't really mean all those heartless things I said

about you. Please, please don't leave me!"

In Saw V, the Jigsaw Killer turns his attention

to the world of high fashion. The only question

is: what took him so long?