Saturday, September 27, 2008

Name of McCain Campaign Plane Being Changed from
'Straight Talk Express' to 'Jet Omerta'

"I'm over here, Senator McCain. Just follow
the sound of my voice."
"Drop by anytime, Mrs. Palin. I would like very much
to show you my collection of hockey pucks."
World's Worst Jobs #88
Chinese Jujube Dryer
The Senator must have been very proud of his opposable
thumbs, because he was constantly showing them off.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Using CERN's new Large Hadron Collider, particle 
physicists have determined that the smallest bit of
 matter is not, as previously thought, the Higgs 
Boson.  It's the McCain Moron.
What's Hot

What's Not
World's Worst Yobs #50
Patrick Healy
"When people try to tell me that the McCain on the campaign
trail is the real McCain and the one who came before was
fake, I just say, baloney. I've seen The Scarlet Pimpernel. I
know how to tell the difference between the imaginary and
the real."
Kathleen Parker Calls for Sarah Palin's Resignation,
Joins Church of the Highly Improbable

Racists used to wear long robes and burn crosses.
Now they blog and talk on the radio.
"I'm only this far from the end of my rope, fellas, so please
go easy on me. Okey-dokey?"
"We shouldn't second guess Israel's bodybuilding efforts,"
says Sarah Palin. "Israel has got to have the opportunity and
the ability to oil up and pump iron whenever it wants to."
"Dear Lord, Zippy's right: 'All life is a blur of Republicans and meat'."

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The coach responsible for improving Sarah Palin's
'presidential wave' says that she still has a way to
go before she stops looking like a cream pie is about
to hit her in the mush.
What Finally Convinced Cauliflower McCain the Time Had
Come to Suspend the Boxing Match with Kid Barack
Due to unavoidable flight delays, Senator McCain was unable
to return to Washington in time to cast the deciding vote in
favor of a plan to keep our world from colliding with reality.
An admirer of Futzie Nutzle has been identified as the
'dirty trickster' responsible for substituting The Ultimate
George W. Bushisms for the briefing book Sarah Palin
 used to prepare for her interview with Katie Couric.
What vicarious thrills coursed through Kerri's body as
Misty May got down and talked dirty to the Invisible Hulk.
"Which face will you be wearing in today's interview, Senator:
the Populist Reformer Face, the Heroic POW Face, the Feisty
Maverick Face, or the Lying Sack of Shit Face?"
"Mister Trouble never hangs around
When he hears this Mighty sound:
‘Here I come to save the day!’
That means that Mighty Mac is on the way!
Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right
Mighty Mac will join the fight
On the sea or on the land
He gets the situation well in hand
So though we are in danger
We never despair
‘Cause we know that where there’s danger
He is there!
He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air!
We’re not worryin’ at all
We’re just listenin’ for his call:
‘Here I come to save the day!’
That means that Mighty Mac is on the way!"

Prymatt Conehead Says Sarah Palin Not Ready
for 'Not Ready for Primetime Players'
Katie Couric Conducts Interview with Sarah Palin's Empty Suit,
Says It Gave Smarter Answers Than the VP Nominee
Sarah Palin will be departing shortly on a motorcycle road trip
in search of answers she has promised to find for Katie Couric.
"Knowing these realities, America must not ignore the threat gathering
against us. Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final
proof -- the smoking gun -- that could come in the form of a mushroom
cloud over our entire economy, a recession of mass destruction."

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

In a bold move designed to secure passage of his $700 billion
bailout plan for Wall Street, President Bush will appear on
nationwide television tonight wearing the same costume
he wore on May 1, 2003, the day America's mission in Iraq
was accomplished. Analysts for both broadcast and cable
networks are saying that the mere sight of his 'package'--
to say nothing of the persuasive arguments he will advance
in support of it--will guarantee quick approval by both the
House and the Senate, thereby assuring that the nation's
economic crisis may end in another five years, maybe ten,
maybe a hundred.
"Who's that?"
"Oh, it's just John McCain pulling another one
of his political stunts."
"What would you call it?"
"Born to Be Reviled."
When the recent survivor of a 'zipper job' heard that
John McCain wanted to suspend the presidential race
and return to Washington to work on the government
bailout, he said, "Please don't make me laugh, or I may
split a seam!"
Best Friend of John McCain Volunteers to
Sub for Him in Friday Night Fight
State Representative John LaBruzzo (R-LA) has proposed
a Copulation for Cash program wherein better-educated,
more affluent residents will receive a 'Boffing Bonus' if they
reproduce faster than poor, less-educated residents who
have been snipped or had their tubes tied.
As Steve Schmidt grew bigger and bigger,
John McCain got smaller and smaller.
Drudge Report Funnies #20
"Man Passes Gas, Gets Charged with Battery..."
One of Sarah Palin's neighbors in Wasilla has come up with a
novel solution to the nation's financial crisis. It's something
he calls 'Gun Loans'.
If you tell Herc Hauk he's a dead ringer for Steve Schmidt,
he'll punch your lights out.
"You're absolutely right, Rick! We are surrounded by
inmates from non-journalistic institutions."
The giraffe was so happy it didn't live in Alaska, where it
just might have ended up on Sarah Palin's dinner table.

Unless he gets his way, Henry Paulson is threatening
to re-enact the War of the Colossal Beast.
Ben Bernanke's Meltdown Leaks All Over His Shoes

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

"In your opinion, Dr. Kissinger, when would be the best time for
me to say, 'Get the US out of the UN and the UN out of the US'?"

"Do like I did, Mrs. Palin. I learned everything I know about
international relations from the Video Professor®."
If you think of John McCain as a joke without a
punchline, you can better understand his appeal
to audiences attuned to today's more naturalistic
'comedy of awkwardness'. And that's pretty funny.
Although the Juice hadn't carried the ball for almost thirty years,
he was still hearing footsteps.
Everybody seems to be looking for a bailout these days.
World's Worst Yobs #49
Neal Cavuto
Citing its extensive experience with paper clips,
the toadlet claimed to know enough about office
supplies to become a successful investment banker
someday.
To celebrate Banned Books Week, why not curl up with
"E Pluribus Unum? I think it means 'Thanks, But No Thanks'."

Even the Bush Twins laugh when they hear someone say,
"Fiscal Conservative."
If the other fellow is trying to kill you with it, wouldn't
most any weapon be a 'weapon of terror'? Maybe that's
why you never hear anything about 'weapons of cheer'.