When he found out he had been

seated on the Left Hand of God, instead

of the Right, the President exclaimed:

"You gotta be pulling my leg from here

to San Antone!"

Foreign Secretary Jack Straw said

he was confident that even if she

never became President of the United

States, Secretary of State Rice would

be canonized as St. Condi, in recognition

of her missionary zeal in democratizing

the British Isles.

Paul Mirengoff is something of a sex

symbol for women on the right side of the

blogosphere, like Aunt Pamela, KLo, and Libidus

Woman. Privately, they affectionately refer to

him as Studley Do-Right. Can you imagine the terms

of endearment they use for The Hindrocketeer and

Elephant Man, the other hunks at Power Line?

This is the letter-box version of the only

black-and-white photograph of James

Lileks known to exist on the Internet. It has

not been re-formatted to fit your screen, nor

has it been colorized to enhance the subject's

grey-scale personality.

According to Entertainment Weekly,

Howard Stern is superduper pissed that

the Sirius Radio satellite has been aimed

in the wrong direction, and, as a result,

his 4 million listeners are from Uranus.

In China, the use of cellphones in public

places has really gotten out of hand.

If you haven't met the guy

from Minnesota who decided

to punish the Internet because

he had been sentenced to

live the drabbest life in the

history of Planet Earth,

meet James Lileks.

Howard Kaloogian on Location in Jerusalem

for Monty Python's Life of Brian

When the authenticity of this picture was

challenged, Howard Kaloogian was able to

prove that the figure on the left was indeed

the star of Mel Brooks' classic comedy,

The 2000-Year-Old Man.

The Department of Defense has awarded a $20 million

contract to Halliburton to develop effective countermeasures

against Improvised Slingshot Devices.

Released after being held captive for almost three months,

Kermit the Frog was viciously attacked by right-wingers for

saying his captor, Neal Boortz, had treated him like a puppet.

Neal Boortz thinks Cynthia McKinney's

new hairdo is 'hideous'. Asked what he

thinks about his own, Boortz admits

he doesn't have enough hair to do.

Asked how he produces the Don Imus Show,

Bernard McGuirk pointed toward his Hairy Asterisk.

Over at Power Line, Paul Mirengoff is threatening

to loose these Dogs of War on Iran.

This young scholar has just won a

Condoleeza Rice Genius Grant, which

he will use to write his four-volume

dissertation, "The Mistakes of the

Bush Administration."

"If I didn't already have a Ph.D.,

I could write my dissertation on the

mistakes of the Bush Administration."

"Figuratively speaking, we've made

thousands of tactical errors in Iraq."

Jack Straw was struck in the right

eye today by one of Secretary of

State Rice's rhetorical misfires.

"I had to call my Mom four times before she did

anything about those liberal bullies who were

calling me 'Mama's Boy'."

Jonah Reaches for the Beano

Breaking News!

Man Gets Trapped in Time

Chinese Woman Struggles Heroically to Keep the

Government from Pulling the Wool over Her Eyes

Thailand's Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra,

currently has the lead over President Bush in their

domestic spying contest.

In Tom DeLay, Tony Rudy found the

perfect boss: he pays you well and

is never nosy about what you do.

Commenting on Colin Powell's infamous
multimedia presentation at the UN, Richard
Cohen said in 2003: "Only a fool--or

possibly a Frenchman--could conclude"
that Iraq didn't have WMDs. Commenting on
the very same presentation in 2006, Mr.
Cohen says: "Almost none of it is true."

Which Cohen should we believe?

A flaw in Google's search algorithm

was discovered today when someone

searching for 'Tony Rudy' turned up

this image on Howard Kaloogian's website.

Before it was unmasked as a bit of Photoshop

fakery, some people thought this was a picture

of Chang and Eng Bunker after they conjoined

the Republican Party.

"Did you know, Justice O'Connor, that the

original title of Whistler's Mother was

A Study in Black in White?"

Secretary of State Rice realized too

late she shouldn't have criticized

the British for using bad grammar.

If it takes three ICE Police to nab two illegal

immigrants and there are 12,000,000 of them,

then we'll need to hire 18,000,000 more cops.

Tonight on TV Land, Howard Kaloogian

stars in 'Howdy Doody and the Search for

the Bamboozle Box'.

Justice Thomas is really hacked that

Nino has dumped him for Sammy.

Exclusive Photo of the U. S. Army's Revolutionary

New Nuclear-Powered Slingshot

Prominent Italian-American Jurist Identified As

Godfather of Lou Costello Crime Family

Scalito

Axis of Weasels: Tancredo+Kaloogian+Morgan

"I would be willing to grant amnesty to any

illegal immigrant who is no taller than this,

about the size of my waistline."

Asked why she is looking so fabulous these days,

First Lady Laura Bush replied she has been lifting

weights for the past four years. "You mustn't forget,"

she added, "George weighs almost 200 pounds

in his underwear."

"Get governing, Iraq! or I'll invade you a second time."

Looking at this picture of Senator Conrad Burns,

something reminds you of what Samuel Johnson

once wrote: "Patriotism is the last refuge of

a scoundrel."

There was a time when George Bush

and Andrew Card were world-class

synchronized walkers. But not anymore.

President Bush is very fond of his new Rococo Revival

Crystal Crown, given to him by the owner of an antebellum

mansion in Natchez, Mississippi.

Looking ahead to 2008, Secretary of State Rice has

reportedly started investing heavily in Glamour Shots.

Which came first?

The Apple or the

Apple Corps?

When President Bush appeared at Congressman

Mike Sodrel's fundraiser in Indianapolis on

Monday, everyone seemed to be happy that

infants were charged only $500 a pound, instead

of the $10,000 a head for adults.

Representative Jean Schmidt has withdrawn

from a debate with her Republican opponent

because she reminds herself too much of

Frau Blücher.

First made famous by the classic Monty Python

sketch, 'Italian Lesson', Bill Napoli, a state

senator from South Dakota, has become even

more famous for his opinion that the

two-month-old mother who had two

abortions would have been tried for murder

had she been born in his state, instead of Pakistan.

Declaring "I'm not going to let

them get away with it," Senator

Lieberman invited his critics

into the ring for 15 rounds of

heavyweight action to be televised

on Nick at Nite.

In 1998, Jacob Weisberg said that

President Clinton had only a 25%

chance of surviving the Lewinsky

scandal. In 2004, he admitted he

was incorrect in backing the invasion

of Iraq. In 2006, he says Kevin Phillips

is wrong about everything. These have

come to be called Weisbergisms.

"To quote the great philosopher Frank

Sinatra, I'm going to lose My Way,

just like I did in 2000 and 2004."