When a Shaolin monk isn't demonstrating his mastery of 
kung fu, he likes to go horizontal and relax.

You don't step into Toyota's new mini electric vehicle.

You just slip it on like a comfortable pair of shoes.

Of the $5,000 Brent Wilkes gave him,

Brant "Nine Fingers" Bassett spent

almost all of it at the Lollipop Motel.

Need someone to conduct a poll that will give you

any results you want? Call Rich Morin of The

Washington Post and he will fix you right up.

Anti-Immigrationist Voices Support for Constitutional
Amendment Banning Flag Desecration

What punishment do you get if you jam a broomstick
handle into the buttocks of 18 young boys and if you are 
Clifton Bennett, son of the President of the Arizona State
 Senate? Thirty days in jail. For all the details, watch Bill
 Curtis in the next tantalizing episode of American Justice.

As the former Executive Director of the CIA, Dusty Foggo

enjoyed fringe benefits the rest of us can only dream of.

For example, the FBI helped him clean out his office and

is providing him free moving and relocation services.

Not the Best Seat in the House

Over 400,000 pilgrims converged in Fatima, Portugal, to
 celebrate the anniversary of the first apparition of the 
Virgin Mary to three shepherd children in 1917. If you 
were providentially hindered from attending, call 
1-800-263-8160 for free Fatima water and a free 
subscription to The Fatima Crusader.

Stavre, the only resident of Oblakovo, a Macedonian village,
really gets a kick out of laughing at his own jokes.

You've gotta keep movin', or you're gonna get tagged.

Not unexpectedly, Dick Cheney's pet bat turned out to be rabid.

General James Clapper, outgoing head of the

National Geospatial Intelligence Agency, is so

accustomed to spying on people from the skies

that he can't take his eyes off himself.

Tibetan Buddhists keep in shape by combining

prayers with pushups.

The President of Indonesia was taken aback

when Mahmoud embraced him and cried,

"Kiss me, you fool, kiss me!"

Willie the Penguin Befriends Non-Smoker

Kyle Dustin "Dusty" Foggo is a hard man

to find these days. This is the only individual picture

of him known to exist on the Internet. But it's just a crop

from a group shot that, without explanation, disappeared

from the Internet a short time ago. That group shot

disappeared because Dusty, even though he was the

#3 man at the CIA, has been a very bad boy.

President Bush's approval rating is now down

to 29%. How low will it have to go before

Southern Methodist University decides that

spending millions of dollars to build the

George Walker Bush Presidential Library on

its campus is a bad idea? Well, it's

hard to say. We mustn't forget that John

Wesley, the founding father of Methodism,

still believed in persecuting witches until

the day he died.

If you are heading to Florida for your summer vacation,

don't worry about the alligators. They're not nearly as

dangerous as the crocs.

When they build the George Walker Bush Presidential

Library at Southern Methodist University in 2010, the

world's first 'Don't Think Tank' will be parked out front.

Murderer's Row

In 1927, it was New York brag.

In 2006, it is Washington fact.

Al-qaida means 'the base'. It is composed of

political fanatics and religious zealots who live

in caves somewhere in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

There's an American counterpart to this group.

It's called the 'Republican base', and it lives in

the Crystal Meth Cathedral.

Women down here on earth can only be

virgins once. But if you are Gisele Bundchen,

one of Victoria's Secret's angels, you get to

be one twice.

If you intend to yell conspiracy theories in the

U. S. Senate, you will make a better impression

if your attire is more neutral, so that it doesn't

clash with the tile as they drag you out.

"Stop trying to cheer me up, Tony!" the German Chancellor said.

"What you Brits did to Dresden still makes me sad."

When Raul Damiani was caught wearing an

anti-gravity belt, he was ejected from the game and

barred from further play in the Copa Libertadores

soccer competition.

Ted Rall sure knows how to rile the Republican base.

For that special someone who is down in the dumps,

you can now send a bouquet of blue roses.

Kinky Friedman collected 169,000 signatures,

almost four times the number needed to appear

on the ballot this November as an independent

candidate for Governor of Texas. Born to Jewish

parents in 1944, the Kinkster once said, "I even

went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a

while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em

under long enough."

General Hayden shows Senator McConnell his

technique for getting confirmed as CIA Director.

Yesterday, Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher was

indicted by a grand jury on misdemeanor counts of

criminal conspiracy, official misconduct, and

political discrimination. This is the same grand

jury that indicted thirteen other members of the

Fletcher administration, all of whom have been

pardoned by the Governor. He says he has no

intention of pardoning himself. That would be

against his Republican principles.

Militant Shows Off the Latest in Spring Fashion

from the Niger Delta

Glasses or no, Ricky Hatton says he will knock

Luis Collazo's block off.

Greenpeace Activist Debuts Latest Fashion

in Environmental Protests; World Leaders

Say It Definitely Shows Promise

Judging by the expression on the Queen's face,

just how thrilling do you think watching Pony

Tandems might be?

A German hotelier has started charging guests by the pound.

Predictably, he has been accused of discriminating against

fat people. "Yes," he replied, "and I also discriminate against

smokers, pets, hookers, the drunk and disorderly, the

penniless, and all defenders of the indefensible."

Impatient Airline Passenger Prepares to Take Off

The bull came close to changing the matador's name

from Eduardo to Eduarda.

When you come to the Communist Party tonight,

don't forget to bring your hat.

Bush Canonized, Says New Halo Is "Okey Dokey"

Bou Bou is really enjoying his new life as a Democrat.

Here stands one of mankind's great benefactors:

Mikhail Kalashnikov, developer of the AK-47.

Notice that the NSA logo features an eagle

clutching a key. Now that you know this agency

has been spying on you for the past five years,

guess what the key means. That's right. It means

some faceless functionary has unlocked the door

to your privacy and your secrets now belong to him.

Consider this possibility. In a previous life,

you were found guilty of 'a superfluity of

naughtiness' and condemned to Hell. Once

there, you realized you were back on Earth,

now ruled by Karl Rove, the brain of

George Bush, the King of Ignorant Hill.

Don't even think about claiming you're

being subjected to 'cruel and unusual

punishment'. That's considered getting a

slap on the wrist around these parts. And if

you think things are bad now, just wait until

Jeb takes over.

Upon awaking from his 20-year snooze,

Rip Van Winkle couldn't figure out why

everybody was yelling "Go Suns!" and

calling him 'Steve Nash'.

Noe Says "No" to Old Not Guilty Plea,

Says "Yes" to New Noe Guilty Plea

(Or Something to That Effect)

Cast thine eyes upon the Maricopa County Sheriff's Posse.

Imagine these pot-gutted gendarmes chasing Mexican

nationals through the Arizona desert at high noon or midnight.

Now imagine something harder: these beerbellies actually

catching one.

Triumph International Japan is marketing a line of

women's underwear emblazoned with characters

that read, "Stop the Birth Rate Decline!" There's

a problem with this approach, however. If you leave

the undergarment on so you can read the sign, you

can't obey the command. And if you take the

undergarment off, you may forget what you're

supposed to do.

Come see the Odobenus rosmarus!

That's 'walrus' to those of you who

haven't been keeping up with your

binomial nomenclature.

When the Duchess of Cornwall wore a hanging basket

to the wedding of her daughter to a former Calvin Klein

underwear model, Kate Middleton, the girlfriend of

Prince William, tried to outdo her by wearing an

unpotted bromeliad.