Saturday, May 13, 2006

When a Shaolin monk isn't demonstrating his mastery of 
kung fu, he likes to go horizontal and relax.
You don't step into Toyota's new mini electric vehicle.
You just slip it on like a comfortable pair of shoes.
Of the $5,000 Brent Wilkes gave him,
Brant "Nine Fingers" Bassett spent
almost all of it at the Lollipop Motel.
Need someone to conduct a poll that will give you
any results you want? Call Rich Morin of The
Washington Post and he will fix you right up.
Anti-Immigrationist Voices Support for Constitutional Amendment
Banning Flag Desecration
What punishment do you get if you jam a broomstick handle
into the buttocks of 18 young boys and if you are Clifton Bennett,
son of the President of the Arizona State Senate? Thirty days
in jail. For all the details, watch Bill Curtis in the next tantalizing
episode of American Justice.
As the former Executive Director of the CIA, Dusty Foggo
enjoyed fringe benefits the rest of us can only dream of.
For example, the FBI helped him clean out his office and
is providing him free moving and relocation services.
Not the Best Seat in the House
Over 400,000 pilgrims converged in Fatima, Portugal, to
 celebrate the anniversary of the first apparition of the 
Virgin Mary to three shepherd children in 1917. If you 
were providentially hindered from attending, call 
1-800-263-8160 for free Fatima water and a free 
subscription to The Fatima Crusader.

Stavre, the only resident of Oblakovo, a Macedonian village,
really gets a kick out of laughing at his own jokes.
You've gotta keep movin', or you're gonna get tagged.
Not unexpectedly, Dick Cheney's pet bat turned out to be rabid.
General James Clapper, outgoing head of the
National Geospatial Intelligence Agency, is so
accustomed to spying on people from the skies
that he can't take his eyes off himself.
Tibetan Buddhists keep in shape by combining
prayers with pushups.
The President of Indonesia was taken aback
when Mahmoud embraced him and cried,
"Kiss me, you fool, kiss me!"
Willie the Penguin Befriends Non-Smoker

Friday, May 12, 2006

Kyle Dustin "Dusty" Foggo is a hard man
to find these days. This is the only individual picture
of him known to exist on the Internet. But it's just a crop
from a group shot that, without explanation, disappeared
from the Internet a short time ago. That group shot
disappeared because Dusty, even though he was the
#3 man at the CIA, has been a very bad boy.
President Bush's approval rating is now down
to 29%. How low will it have to go before
Southern Methodist University decides that
spending millions of dollars to build the
George Walker Bush Presidential Library on
its campus is a bad idea? Well, it's
hard to say. We mustn't forget that John
Wesley, the founding father of Methodism,
still believed in persecuting witches until
the day he died.
If you are heading to Florida for your summer vacation,
don't worry about the alligators. They're not nearly as
dangerous as the crocs.
When they build the George Walker Bush Presidential
Library at Southern Methodist University in 2010, the
world's first 'Don't Think Tank' will be parked out front.
Murderer's Row
In 1927, it was New York brag.
In 2006, it is Washington fact.
Al-qaida means 'the base'. It is composed of
political fanatics and religious zealots who live
in caves somewhere in Afghanistan and Pakistan.
There's an American counterpart to this group.
It's called the 'Republican base', and it lives in
the Crystal Meth Cathedral.
Women down here on earth can only be
virgins once. But if you are Gisele Bundchen,
one of Victoria's Secret's angels, you get to
be one twice.
If you intend to yell conspiracy theories in the
U. S. Senate, you will make a better impression
if your attire is more neutral, so that it doesn't
clash with the tile as they drag you out.

"Stop trying to cheer me up, Tony!" the German Chancellor said.
"What you Brits did to Dresden still makes me sad."
When Raul Damiani was caught wearing an
anti-gravity belt, he was ejected from the game and
barred from further play in the Copa Libertadores
soccer competition.
Ted Rall sure knows how to rile the Republican base.
For that special someone who is down in the dumps,
you can now send a bouquet of blue roses.
Kinky Friedman collected 169,000 signatures,
almost four times the number needed to appear
on the ballot this November as an independent
candidate for Governor of Texas. Born to Jewish
parents in 1944, the Kinkster once said, "I even
went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a
while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em
under long enough."
General Hayden shows Senator McConnell his
technique for getting confirmed as CIA Director.
Yesterday, Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher was
indicted by a grand jury on misdemeanor counts of
criminal conspiracy, official misconduct, and
political discrimination. This is the same grand
jury that indicted thirteen other members of the
Fletcher administration, all of whom have been
pardoned by the Governor. He says he has no
intention of pardoning himself. That would be
against his Republican principles.
Militant Shows Off the Latest in Spring Fashion
from the Niger Delta
Glasses or no, Ricky Hatton says he will knock
Luis Collazo's block off.
Greenpeace Activist Debuts Latest Fashion
in Environmental Protests; World Leaders
Say It Definitely Shows Promise
Judging by the expression on the Queen's face,
just how thrilling do you think watching Pony
Tandems might be?
A German hotelier has started charging guests by the pound.
Predictably, he has been accused of discriminating against
fat people. "Yes," he replied, "and I also discriminate against
smokers, pets, hookers, the drunk and disorderly, the
penniless, and all defenders of the indefensible."
Impatient Airline Passenger Prepares to Take Off
The bull came close to changing the matador's name
from Eduardo to Eduarda.
When you come to the Communist Party tonight,
don't forget to bring your hat.
Bush Canonized, Says New Halo Is "Okey Dokey"
Bou Bou is really enjoying his new life as a Democrat.
Here stands one of mankind's great benefactors:
Mikhail Kalashnikov, developer of the AK-47.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Notice that the NSA logo features an eagle
clutching a key. Now that you know this agency
has been spying on you for the past five years,
guess what the key means. That's right. It means
some faceless functionary has unlocked the door
to your privacy and your secrets now belong to him.
Consider this possibility. In a previous life,
you were found guilty of 'a superfluity of
naughtiness' and condemned to Hell. Once
there, you realized you were back on Earth,
now ruled by Karl Rove, the brain of
George Bush, the King of Ignorant Hill.
Don't even think about claiming you're
being subjected to 'cruel and unusual
punishment'. That's considered getting a
slap on the wrist around these parts. And if
you think things are bad now, just wait until
Jeb takes over.
Upon awaking from his 20-year snooze,
Rip Van Winkle couldn't figure out why
everybody was yelling "Go Suns!" and
calling him 'Steve Nash'.
Noe Says "No" to Old Not Guilty Plea,
Says "Yes" to New Noe Guilty Plea
(Or Something to That Effect)
Cast thine eyes upon the Maricopa County Sheriff's Posse.
Imagine these pot-gutted gendarmes chasing Mexican
nationals through the Arizona desert at high noon or midnight.
Now imagine something harder: these beerbellies actually
catching one.
Triumph International Japan is marketing a line of
women's underwear emblazoned with characters
that read, "Stop the Birth Rate Decline!" There's
a problem with this approach, however. If you leave
the undergarment on so you can read the sign, you
can't obey the command. And if you take the
undergarment off, you may forget what you're
supposed to do.
Come see the Odobenus rosmarus!
That's 'walrus' to those of you who
haven't been keeping up with your
binomial nomenclature.
When the Duchess of Cornwall wore a hanging basket
to the wedding of her daughter to a former Calvin Klein
underwear model, Kate Middleton, the girlfriend of
Prince William, tried to outdo her by wearing an
unpotted bromeliad.