Suspicious Package Mailed to Joel Osteen Found to Contain 

Holy Hand Grenade

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Unlike his mentor, he couldn't walk on water. But Joel 

Osteen did what he could.

Who needs FEMA and the Texas National Guard to deal 

with the Houston flood when you have Joel Osteen?

Victoria is Joel Osteen's spouse, and this is her secret.

"What the cutting locust left,

    the swarming locust has eaten.

What the swarming locust left,

    the hopping locust has eaten,

and what the hopping locust left,

    the destroying locust has eaten."

                --- Joel 1:4

Good News for Modern Cats

Joel Osteen's estate includes a practice field for

walking on water.

As Tertullian said, Credo quia absurdum est

(I believe because it is absurd), and as Nietzsche

added, Credo quia absurdum sum (I believe

because I am absurd).

TGIF Man

"Make Joel Osteen happier.  Buy his book."

From afar, he heard Pastor Osteen say, "Give me your

money and God will make you rich."  "This must be

what's called 'Trickle-Down Theology'," he thought.

"As Victoria and I worship you, O Lord, we prithee,

'Don't worry, be happy!'"

For some reason, 'Joel Osteen' and 'Reality Show' refuse

to cohabitate in the same sentence.

Don't ask, "What would Jesus do?" Jesus is too first century,

too 'Old School', the author of Every Day a Sunday. Ask,

instead, "What would Joel Osteen do?" He's 21st century,

'New School', the author of Every Day a Friday.

"You wanna know Victoria's secret? Well, she's just

a dumb blonde God created to fuck my brains out.

And she's pretty much succeeded I'm happy to say."

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