Todd Palin may be the 'First Dude',

but he sure ain't no Lebowski.

With one of the new Talking ATMs, you can be legally

blind and still find out that the balance in your checking

account is guaranteed by the full faith and credit of Henry

Paulson, the Christian Scientist who believes that disease

can only be healed with prayer, not drugs or surgery.

The McCain camp has attacked Barack Obama for owning an

automobile named after Henry Ford, the notorious anti-Semite.

Questions have also been raised as to why the Democratic nominee

chose to purchase the rather flighty Escape, instead of the more

down-to-earth Mustang, and why he preferred the 'hybrid'

version, instead of the 'purebred'.

You know the scariest thing about Henry Paulson? No, it's not

that he is now our king, or that he was, up until a couple of

years ago, the Chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, one

of those now-defunct Wall Street investment banks, or

that he's the spitting image of The Amazing Colossal Man.

No, the scariest thing about Henry Paulson is that he

is---are you ready for this?---a Christian Scientist.

"I feel my pain, but do you feel my pain?"

Have some 'distressed assets' you'd like the government to

take off your hands? Then go to Buy MY Shitpile, Henry!

Among other things, you will find Hillary Clinton for

President bumperstickers for $1.23 each, a subscription

to Fortune magazine for $50, and this handsome Spam

Hat for $199.99.

Che Obama Commends Comrade Bush for Plan

to Socialize Banking; "It's Even Bolder Than

My Plan to Socialize Medicine," He Says

In the classic telling of the tale, a rich uncle dies, leaving

his poor nephew a fortune. In the modern-day version, the

poor nephew dies and the rich uncle sends a memorial

gift to the Republican Party.

Did you hear that Rick Davis, John McCain's campaign manager

and close adviser, made nearly $2 million defending mortgage

giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac from regulation? Now that

Fannie and Freddie have had to be rescued from bankruptcy by

the government, shouldn't Rick be sued for lobbying malpractice?

"So what if my chief economic adviser is a flim-flam man?

So what if he was the co-author of the legislation that got

us into this mess? So what if he's both an executive and a

lobbyist for a foreign bank? So what if he's trying to cut his

bank in on the $1 trillion government bailout? You want

to make something out of it, PUNK!"

Elephant Regrets Agreeing to Become GOP Symbol, Says "It's

Not a Political Party Anymore, It's a Crime Syndicate"

"The Governor of Alaska said 'fungible', gentlemen, not

'fuckable'. So would you PLEASE just back off!"

Ehud Olmert is Israel's equivalent of George Bush, with

two exceptions: he's a year older and much balder.

"We Bombed the Marriott Hotel in Islamabad, Not Those

Islamofascist Ragheads!" Says Spokesman for the

Timothy McVeigh Underground

Have you seen the memorial to all the kilos of marijuana

that have died in Colombia's war on drugs?

Barack and Michelle Obama own only one automobile: a 2008

Ford Escape Hybrid. By contrast, John and Cindy McCain 

own thirteen automobiles, including a Cadillac and a Lexus. 

So, is there any question which couple is more patriotic when 

measured by their support of the automobile and petroleum 

industries, two vital pillars of the American economy?

Here's a face we won't have to look at on the teevee anymore.

Thank G-d!

At first, it was thought Ehud Olmert was suffering from an

overactive bladder. But then it was realized he was headed

out the door, having resigned as the Prime Minister of Israel.

Slowly but surely, people could begin to see all the

strings attached to John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Chinese TV Stations Ban Broadcast of Hannity-Palin Interview

Because of 'Saucy Advertising' and 'Sexually-Provocative Sounds'