Neolithic Ancestors of George Bush and Joe Lieberman

Uncovered by Italian Archaeologists

Why is the world ruled by old men with

gray beards? Why is the world ruled by

old men who wear hats to hide their

bald heads? Why is the world ruled by

old men who wear glasses to disguise their

myopia? Why is the world ruled by old

men who have ears filled with hearing aids?

Why is the world ruled by old men who

start wars for young men to die in?

Why is the world ruled by old men?

Aleksandra Lazarevic could see the sphere of human

happiness on the other side of the glassy wall. But,

like Tantalus, she couldn't quite put her hand on it.

If you ask a goalkeeper, like Alejandro Cichero, what his greatest

fear is, he would probably tell you it's being netted like a salmon.

"As I understand it," says Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the

Federal Reserve Board, "'blog amnesty' means you link

only to blogs you read regularly. Of necessity, this means

you would link to a relatively small number of blogs. Were this

to become the rule in the blogosphere, the link structure

Google and Technorati use to search for--and rank--blogs

would break down. In the near term, this means the only blog

you will read regularly will be your own, because it will be

the only one you can find. In the long term, this would mean

both good news and bad news for the economy."

The ladybug realized, but too late, she shouldn't have

accepted her rival's dare to land on the frozen rose.

"You might be tempted, gentlemen, to describe the

decor of this room as 'busy'. But I had the last guest

who said that flayed alive."

Doug Feith, former Deputy Undersecretary for Defense

Policy and director of the Pentagon Office of Special

Plans, now teaches at the Georgetown University

Walsh School of Foreign Service. He is waiting to

see if he will put the long-awaited Pentagon Inspector

General's report on the Office of Special Plans on his

reading list for his popular course in techniques

of faking intelligence.

"Who in his right mind, Mr. Bremer, would send 363

tons of cash, packed in wooden boxes, into a war zone?"

"Well, Congressman, I had to do that because The

Container Store had run out of large Translucent

Tote Boxes."

Senator Arlen Specter has learned a member of his

staff inserted a controversial provision into the USA

Patriot Act without his knowledge. "I did not slip it

in and I do not slip things in. I let my staff do that."

John Warner seemed pleased when told he would go

down in history as the first Senator to filibuster his

own resolution. He is also remembered as the first

Senator to marry Elizabeth Taylor.

Before Astronaut Lisa Nowak Went Into Orbit

After

David Broder strongly denies he lies for the money.

He says he lies because he enjoys it, and the

money is just icing on the cake.

Tower of Babel Collapses; Congressman Tom Tancredo

Thought to Be Buried in Multicultural Rubble

According to the Washington Post, General David Petraeus has

assembled a small band of 'warrior-intellectuals' to advise him

in an eleventh-hour effort to reverse the downward trend in

the Iraq War. General Petraeus, who swears he still believes

in Santa Claus, says he found them under the Christmas tree

last December, along with an Erector Set, some Silly Putty, a

Red Ryder BB Gun, and a canister of Lincoln Logs.

Unlike his predecessor, Donald Rumsfeld, who was cold

and arrogant, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is warm

and humble when he says you're a traitor if you don't

support the troops by sending more of them to die in Iraq.

These Functional Magnetic Resonance Images (fMRI) show

what parts of your brain were destroyed if you watched the

Superbowl commercials on Sunday for Doritos and

Emerald Nuts. The snacks themselves only help to

clog your arteries and destroy your heart.

First it was a Jug of Janet Jackson at the Superbowl.

Now it's Prince Everhard of the Netherlands.

Nudists exist to remind us why clothing was invented.

And it wasn't to protect our bodies from the weather.

If this is the best a man can get, why go to all the trouble of

becoming rich and famous, like Roger Federer, Thierry Henry,

or Tiger Woods? Hell, you can buy a can of Gillette Foamy for $1.49.

"As we all know, the Iraqi insurgents are very timid,

so we mustn't do anything to embolden them, such

as refusing to send in more troops."

Bipolar bears are sometimes elated, sometimes depressed

by global warming.

Right before he bit his index finger, Justice Lou

Costello exclaimed, ""I'm a baaaad boy!"

General David Petraeus, commander of Multinational

Force Iraq, has a Ph.D. in international relations from

Princeton University. The title of his dissertation was

The American Military and the Lessons of Vietnam.

He's now doing research on a sequel, The American

Military and the Lessons of Iraq.

You just have to believe there are moments when a Ridley

sea turtle wonders, "Is this all there is?"

"Hi! I'm Katherine Harris, and I give good head to devout

Christian men. Give me a call. My number's on the card."

According to a senior White House official, a

plot by four friends of Osama bin Laden--three

Republicans and one Democrat--to plant an

Improvised Resolution Device in the United States

Senate has been foiled.

Relax! Those are only toy guns the

Ugandan boys are toting. Besides,

they have carry permits.

“If I were a Sunni extremist and was worried, which I would be,

about a doubling of U.S. forces in Baghdad, what would I do?

I would try to convey an impression of chaos. Of course, I'm

not an extremist. I am just a neoconservative trying to convey

a fair-and-balanced impression of incoherence.”

Advances in cyborg technology have made it harder and

harder to tell a machine from a human being. But the

eyes of a cyborg are still a dead giveaway that you're

looking at something synthetic and unnatural.

"Let that be a lesson to ya, bitch! Don't let me ever again

hear you insinuate that I buy my drawers at Dollar Tree!"

"Praise Allah, and pass the ammunition!"

Iditarod Great Sled Race in 2050

Uh-oh. A new baby Moses has shown up among the

bullrushes. But in Indonesia, not in Egypt. What

meaneth this?

For a moment, the President thought he had finally eluded

his relentless pursuers. But that’s when Augie Doggie and

Doggie Daddy ran onto the White House lawn and tripped

up the world’s most resolute opponent of Hanna Barbera,

the master terrorist thought to be hiding in a cave somewhere

in the Cartoon Network.

Instigators of Boston Pee Party to Star in

Dumberer and Dumberest: When Sean Met Peter

Survivor of Knife Attack Hires Those Who Knifed

Him in 2000 to Knife His Opponents in 2008

Having descended to the Second Circle of Hell

(with seven more to go), Irving Kristol, the founder

of neoconservatism, is already beginning to doubt

whether fathering Bill was a good idea.

God Trying to Put His Finger on the

Pigeon Overpopulation Problem

"OK, let me review your order to make sure I got it right.

Mom and Dad want Red, White, and Blue Burger Baskets,

Sis wants a big mess of Medal of Freedom Fries, Little Mr.

Peppermint wants a short order of Tall Texan Chickenhawk

Wings, and Number 36 wants anything that doesn't have

strained spinach in it. Remember, my name is George Bush,

and I'll be your server today. God bless America."

"Who says I stole Bob Dole's ballpoint pen?"

Sign at eBay Headquarters to Be Put Up for Auction at Sotheby's

Archaeologists are those people who loved to play in the

sandbox as kids and just never grew up.

"Hey, check out the pecs on #60!"

"Those aren't pecs, you ninny, those are tits!"

Attractive Jewelry, Unattractive Foot

ExxonMobil Tiger Appointed Lee Raymond Resident Scholar

in Climatology at American Enterprise Institute

ExxonMobil Making Its Weekly Delivery of Cash

to the American Enterprise Institute

"You're absolutely right, Mr. President. The best part

of waking up, is Folger's in your cup."

This photograph of General George Casey testifying before

the Armed Services Committee had been cropped so you

couldn't see the knife Senator McCain had stuck in his back.