Fearguth has been loafing too hard lately. So it's time

for him to dance his ass off on Jam Cruise 6. He'll

return online January 10.

Republican Willard 'Mitt' Romney said Wednesday that

if elected President he and his wife will not embarrass the

nation by their conduct in the White House as happened in

the Clinton years. "There could be, however, a few

more rats running around, " he added.

Just before a plagiarizer wearing explosives blew himself up

Wednesday at a checkpoint in the city of Baqouba that was

manned by Sunni Muslims allied with U.S. forces, he was

heard to say, "I regret that I have but one life to give

for my country."

This Palestinian woman couldn't decide whether to send

a Thank You note to Fatah or to Hamas for remodeling

her home. So she sent one to both.

Giuliani Airlines Flight 911 Hits a Patch of Rough Air

Response to News That the United States Spends More

on Its Military Than the Rest of the World Combined

"Sure we're scared! We know al-Qaida chicks

when we see them!"

When approaching an Erogenous Zone, don't forget

to wear your hard hat.

"There's absolutely nothing genuine about Ed Rollins.

Even his teeth are false."

"If I had my way," says Ed Rollins, Huckabee's campaign

manager, "I would drop to my knees and fire at the groin

of Mitt Romney. When he fell, I would then kick him in

the teeth. It's like being a boxer when you're young. To me,

hitting somebody, knocking somebody down, is a great feeling."

"When the barber said, 'Shave and a haircut, six bits', I

thought I had died and gone to Arkansas."

Aliens Walk Among Us

"One night at a slumber party with my homeboys,

I fell asleep while trying to make shadow animals.

When I awoke, I had become the leader of Hamas, but

I still couldn't make a shadow rabbit worth a damn."

Noah hadn't warned the Ironman Triathletes, so

the Great Flood caught them completely by surprise.

"He's got every turtle here in His hands,

He's got every turtle there in His hands,

He's got every turtle everywhere in His hands,

He's got every turtle in the whole goddam world in His hands!"

One of these days, the inheritors of Cindy Sheehan's socks

will probably make a fortune selling them on eBay.

Rich Old White Men Call for a

'Government of National Unity',

a New Vision of the Body Politic

"Before you order, Sis, be sure you read the 'Eight

Educated Consumer Rules for Purchasing Hoodia'."

"You are getting very sleepy, pussycat, 
very sleepy."

"If they call you 'water pig', my child, just ignore them. You are

a capybara, descended from a noble family of capybaras."

Turning was easy. Deciding which way was the hard part.

He had partyed hearty New Year's Eve. Now it

was time to get some shuteye.

"Father, thank you for a new year.

And, uh, please don't forget me on

January 3."