Things to Avoid #2

Bulljacking

World's Worst Jobs #48

Chinese Fish Kill Cleanup Worker

"Did you read the reports about FBI abuses of civil 
liberties?"

"I don't recall."

"Did you lie to Congress when you testified, 'There has 
not been one verified case of civil liberties abuse 
by the FBI'?"

"I don't recall."

"When was the last time you remembered anything
 at all?"

"I don't recall."

"As I was saying, Frederik, size is relative, a function

of perspective. You, for instance, look pretty tall

until the corn is as high as an elephant's eye. Then

you look pretty short. I, for instance, look pretty

short until Rick Moranis shrinks the kids. Then

I look like Christ the Redeemer, one of the

Seven Wonders of the World."

"Chick-fil-A®? Definitely overrated, if you ask me!"

"Oh, my darling Prince Harry, can you keep a secret?"

"You'd better have the vet check your Musculus

orbicularis oris, dear. You're definitely developing

a smirk just like George Bush's."

Utah is a nice place to visit. But if you stay there too long, you

run the risk of turning into a moral husk, like Orrin Hatch.

Pine Snake Still Using Eco-Unfriendly Lighting Technology

"These are supersensitive mikes, Vlad. So if

I cut one right now, it will be a Fartissimo!"

"My Dad says it hit a benchmark and blew up."

Senator David Vitter (R-LA) claims his name was on the D.C.

Madam's phone list because he had been doing undercover

work to expose illegal immigrants disguised as sex workers.

NYT's Michael Gordon Says Motto Is

"All the News That Fits We Print"

Since George Bush became President, antidepressants have

become the most prescribed drugs in the United States. Looks

like he could use a dose of the same medicine.

"Wouldn't you agree, Secretary Chertoff, that all the unfilled

positions in the Department of Homeland Security means

you're doing a lot more nothing for a lot less money?"

A beehive of activity, the European Parliament voted

overwhelmingly today in favor of more honey.

The Unexpurgated Bible #1

Ethiopian Eunuch Celebrating His Conversion

to Christianity with Candace, His Queen, While

an Incredulous Philip the Evangelist Looks On

Veepenstein #13

Blue-State elephants and Red-State elephants agree

Sicko Dicko is the best drive-in movie to come along

since I Eat Your Skin.

Durex President Invokes Sexecutive Privilege to Block

Testimony by Condom Testers in Leaky Rubber Case

Muff Divers Off the Coast of France

Bill O'Reilly Uses Loofah Mitt to Fend Off Attack

by Pink-Pistol-Packing Lesbians

The Day Mary's Little Lamb Went Astray

Kashmiri Youths in Flight Training for the

Commando Cody Squadron

On his day off, he would always go to the Ping Pong Beach.

Sydney Harbour Bridge As Seen by Drunken Tourist

Once again, she had slipped into the 'nunc stans',

the Eternal Now. But this time there was no way out.

"Yes, I reluctantly concluded that the jury had reached

a reasonable verdict: the evidence was strong that Libby

testified falsely about his role in the leak. That's when

the President said, 'Say no more, Fred. Scooter skates

scot-free soon!'"

Randy Bo-Bandy, Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor,

Remains Mum About His Letch for Karl Rove

Gun That Doesn't Kill People for People

Who Kill People

A dogma is a man's best friend.

World's Worst Yoobs #4

Pamela Geller

Flag Desecration #1

Polish President Wows Saudi King
 with Robot Dance

Kashmiri Hurler Signs with the Atlanta Braves

Blank Slate #1

Top Stories for July 7, 2007

"Green Is the New Yellow"
"Where Does Hamas Get Its Ski Masks?"
"Why the Libby Reprieve Is Bad--for Hillary"
"Would a Pardon Get Scooter His $250K Back?"
"Has Bad-Boy Financier Henry Kravis Gone Soft?"
"Can a Prius Really Go 100 MPH?"

"I, Fouad Ajami, Majid Khadduri Professor of Middle
 Eastern Studies, Paul H. Nitze School of Advanced 
International Studies, Johns Hopkins University, do 
solemnly swear that David Shuster, pinchhitting for 
Chris Matthews on Hardball, did, with malice

aforethought, throw a slider into my private parts
 that did, in effect, unsex me before the world, 
especially in front of my neoconservative friends
 and allies. Therefore, I demand that Tweetie 
be returned to the airwaves ASAP, at least by
 the time I re-establish my manhood and stop sounding 
like the late Beverly Sills singing to the Muppets."

Pope Eases Restrictions on Latin Mass,

Bowls World Over Like Tenpins

Here's a photo of a day at the beach in Las Vegas, Nevada,

in 2017, the year former Republican Senator James Inhofe

celebrated his 83rd birthday by announcing that global

warming was still a hoax in Oklahoma.

"God is great. I bear witness that there is none worthy of

worship except God. I bear witness that Muhammad is the

Messenger of God. Hamas be damned. God is great."

Mahathir Bin Mohamad's 'Man N Da Hood' Wins

Award for Best Rap Song of 2007

"It's easy for two people to lose each other in

the tunnel of love."

No matter how fierce the competition, Lucie

Safarova was forever blowing bubbles.

RIZE Singer Touches Live Wire at Live Earth

Jonah and K-Lo Show Up for Another Day's Work

at The Corner

"Yo! You be like the illest at breakdancing and pull all

the hoes and shiznit!"

"Whaddya think, Kalil? Should we issue a

carry permit for this sucker?"

Rupert Murdoch to Purchase Wall Street Urinal for

$5 Billion, Says He Needs Another Pot to Piss In

Veepenstein #12

The Baron had always wanted to have his picture

taken with Ozymandias. One day, he got his wish.

"I would note," said Bush Administration spokesman Scott Stanzel,

"that we do get a lot of inquiries from the Hill. They've launched over

300,000 investigations, had over 350,000 requests for documents

and interviews ... And they have had over 600,000 oversight hearings

in just about 100 days -- so that's about 6,000 oversight hearings a day.

And we've turned over 200,000,000 pages of documents as an

administration. And as my friends will tell you, I'm not one to exaggerate."

Oklahoma Republican Senator James Inhofe to Be Used

As Tom-Tom During Live Earth Concert at the National

Museum of the American Indian