"The Drudge Report got it right. This photo has obviously

been doctored to make it look like I have 'devil horns'."

Siegfried Grabner is one of the up-and-coming

contenders in the new sport of ski boxing.

"You're right, Hoss. You've thrown a shoe."

Shamed Tara Conner has been given a second

chance to be ashamed of being Miss USA.

In a last-ditch attempt to revive her moribund career,

Britney Spears has agreed to be the poster girl for

China's celebration of 2007 as The Year of the Sweathog.

At first, the President addressed the Almighty in Aramaic:

"Eli, eli, lama sabacthani?" But there was no answer.

Then, he used King James English: "My God, my God, why

hast thou forsaken me?" Once again, no answer.

Finally, he spoke his native tongue: "Dude, what the fuck?"

That's when the Almighty replied: "Go to hell, George!"

When he was an undergraduate at West Point,

John Abizaid was nicknamed 'The Mad Arab'.

Now that this four-star general, commander of

U. S. forces in the Middle East since July, 2003,

has announced his retirement, he's not only mad,

but he's going to get even.

"Do you, Robert Gates, solemnly swear to never take an

oath while your left hand is resting on the Koran?"

"I do."

President Bush leads the Washington press corp in

singing 'O Come, All Ye Faithful'.

"We need to reset our military," the President said.

So he pushed the Reset Button, and the

War Machine was rebooted.

"We're not winning in Iraq, we're not losing in Iraq.

We're somewhere in between, in the Twilight Zone."

World's Worst Jobs #21

Mexico City Sewer Declogger

"Admit it. You know Daniel Henninger is right when

he suggests that the Supreme Court, in the case of

Papish v. The Board of Curators of the University of

Missouri, is responsible for the overuse of the F-word

today. So as I choke the life out of you, fuck you very

much, you fucking motherfucker!"

President Bush is trying to decide which temptation

to yield to next: the urge to purge Karl, the urge

to merge with Condi, or the urge to surge into Iraq.

Just a word of advice to you marijuana users out there.

If the trip to the fields seems to be getting longer and longer

and the load heavier and heavier, you might consider

cutting back and replenishing your stash every other day.

At only $13.50 a bottle, 1600 for Men Exfoliating Power Scrub

is said to be selling quite briskly to neoconservative warhawks

who are now trying to wash the blood of Iraq off their hands.

In a recent interview, George Bush said, "I must tell you, I'm

sleeping a lot better than people would assume." Well, he

may be, but the President can't hold a candle to this kid.

According to an anonymous source on the White House

janitorial staff, President Bush has ordered The Iraq

Study Group Report be substituted for Charmin in the

executive washroom.

Although he lost his Senate race, George Allen still has reason to

smile: 'macaca' has been named the most politically-incorrect

word of the year by Global Language Monitor.

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Chinese Industrial Residue Disposal Plant Worker