For the sake of his party, his country, his planet, his solar system, and

his galaxy, Mitt Romney has suspended his presidential campaign.

Amanda Lepore Introduces New Line of Patriotic Transgender

Apparel for the 2008 Republican National Convention

House Judiciary Committee Successfully Removes Attorney

General's Mask, Says "You're One Ugly Motherfucker!"

"You can call it 'Koran', 'Quran', or 'Qu'ran', Mr. President.

Just don't call it 'Nucular Family Bible'."

"Age before beauty, you mangy cur!"

"All they needed to prepare my budget for 2008 was

an Etch a Sketch. Republican technology is pretty

amazing, isn't it?"

Romney Transcontinental Express

Temporarily Suspends Operation

"Tagg told me if I wasted any more of his inheritance on

my presidential campaign, he was going to commit

patricide and become a member of the Church of

the SubGenius."

The age-old conundrum, 'Which came first, the chicken
 or the egg?', has been solved. It was a tie.

Beware: government eavesdroppers are everywhere.

Doctors Warn of the Dangers Posed by Hillbilly Heroine

"I do hope that at some point we would just calm down a little bit."

From his rathole somewhere in the Cox Radio

Syndicate, Neal Boortz had this to say the other day

about the city of New Orleans and the victims of

Hurricane Katrina: "Cries of the downtrodden,

my left butt cheek. That wasn't the cries of the downtrodden;

that's the cries of the useless, the worthless. New Orleans was

a welfare city, a city of parasites, a city of people who could

not and had no desire to fend for themselves. You have a

hurricane descending on them and they sit on their fat

asses and wait for somebody else to come rescue them."

Whew! This rodent needs some more cheese, don't you think?

Patriots Defeated in SuperBowl, Lose Big Heads

Wildlife Tip #6
Don't feed the hand that bites you.

"Pat Buchanan says I will make Dick Cheney look like Gandhi.
If that's so, my wife Cindy will make Lynne Cheney look like

Mother Angelica."

Little Men, Big Hats

You simply can't imagine how much he hated The Doors.

Ukrainian Democracy at Work

Aye Aye Survives SuperTuesday, But Barely

"Goodness yes, Senator! After we waterboarded the shit

out of those tewwibble tewwowists, we had no choice

but to start towtuwing them."

"That's understandable, General Hayden. But would

you please tell this Committee when you first became

enamored with Elmer Fudd and developed your

widiculous wisp?"

Xiao Qiang, the whale, would have told Yang Yang, the boy,

to vote for Barack Obama, the candidate. But the whale

couldn't speak, the boy was too young to vote, and

the candidate couldn't hold his breath that long.

During his second childhood, John McCain is hoping to be an

even bigger bully than he was in his first. "I'll be kicking the asses

of all the Mama's boys I missed the first time around," he says.

On even-numbered days, Senator McCain thought he
 was Captain Ahab. On odd-numbered days, he thought
 he was Moby Dick. When the two eventually collided, 
not even Ishmael lived to tell the tale.

Once again, it was murder on the SuperTuesday Express.

Pakistani Rangers, the Mobile Maginot Line

Against Terrorism

Pak Gil Yon, North Korea's Ambassador to the

UN, got off light. His punishment was to be

inverted in a half-full glass of eternity.

Old Palestinian Reading All Quiet at the Gaza Pumps

In the last days of the Huckabee for President campaign, TV ads were

made with the aid of the candidate, a snapshot artist, and a cheap

digital camera.

Warning: if you click on this photo,

it will tumesce and fill the entire room.

Instead of preparing predictions about SuperTuesday,

Fearguth was observed enjoying a badass Lotus show at

the Granada Theatre.

Youth Responding to Artwork of Palestinian Ironist

The Unexpurgated Bible #9

Goliath's Son Turns the Tables on the Hebrews

Voracious Train Gulping Down Unwary Bystander

"At first I was upset that my magnum opus, Liberal Fascism,

was classified as a 'Parody' at Amazon, alongside Our Dumb

World: The Onion's Atlas of the Planet Earth and World War

Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War. But when I learned

that this classification had boosted my sales by 35%, I calmed

down and accepted my cruel fate."

Obama Mama Mia!

The dignity of Nonja the Orangutan, age 55, contrasts sharply with

the indignity of John McCain the Homo Sapien, age 71.

Horses come in all sizes.

So do horses' asses.

Don't move. The rat will only attack if it thinks

you're going to vote for Willard Romney.

"Good Lord! Why did I have to lose one of my

contacts right now?"

If the rednecks are for Romney, who are the

'stiffnecked and uncircumcised in heart and

ears' for?

According to one veteran of the sex industry, the GOP

conventions are “a lot better for the sex workers. We

get a lot more business when the Republicans are in town.

Most Democrats, on the other hand, would rather blog.”

But, goldarn it, she's lost it again!

"And this broad had, ya know, really bad

arthritis in both hands."

Joe Lieberman's dream is to be the first man in American history

to run for Vice President as both a Democrat and a Republican.

Moe Howard's Grandson Selling Second-Hand Campaign Signs

World's Worst Jobs #72

Chinese Steel Wire Transporters