This Republican ostrich pulled its head out of the sand, saw

that Rick Santorum is senatorial history, said "I stick with Rick,"

and then stuck its head back in the sand.

If ever there was a woman who deserves the ugliest

epithet ever invented, it would have to be Katherine

Harris. So it's time for Elmer Fudd to say it:

"Good widdance to bad wubbish, you dumb cunt!"

Even Vladimir Putin is eavesdropping tonight on the

election results in the United States.

Voters Playing New Video Game Hit,

America Votes 2006

Republican Candidates Struggling to Drive the Bush Sled

Monica Lewinsky Switches Political Parties, Says She

Wonders What a Republican Prick Tastes Like

Where's Tonto?

George and Jeb Doing the Hugger-Mugger

President Bush Issuing the Executive Order to Kneecap

Anybody Who Doesn't Take Two Sugars and a Double Shot

of Fat-Free French Vanilla Coffee-Mate in Their Morning

Vente-Sized Cuppa Joe

Q: What do you get when a bunch of parrots feed

from the mouth of Karl Rove?

A: The right-wing blogosphere.

As Jim Talent, the Republican senatorial candidate

from Missouri, spoke, President Bush put on his magic

glasses. With these, he could see his approval rating at

91%, a vibrant democracy in Iraq, and Kim Jong-Il vying

with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to be the first to say,

"For being part of the Axis of Evil, I repent in sackcloth

and ashes." What the President saw couldn't help but

make him smile.

When Ken Mehlman, Chairman of the Republican

National Committee, goes to hell, his face will be

frozen in the pose in which you see it now. That's

the good news. The bad news is his hellmates will

be forced to stare at his face for all eternity.

Carnival Cruise Lines Salesman Making His Pitch to the 35%

of the American People Who Believe They Will Soon Be

Sunning Themselves in the Caribbean Aboard Victory 2006

"Hey, no kidding, Jeb," said Charlie Crist,

Florida's Republican gubernatorial candidate.

"I wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell

if I were seen in the same room with that

dipshit brother of yours."

"Good Lord!" the Secret Service agent thought.

"There's no telling where those supporters'

hands have been before they touched my President."

Anthony Greenup of the Harlem Globetrotters

Executing His Signature Move, the Dam Slunk

Polar Bear Mooning Vegetarians

Karl Rove had advised the President to make a last ditch

effort to shore up the 'Conehead' vote. But George thought

he said 'Cornhead'.

Roberto Rivas, President of the Supreme Electoral Council,

has just been voted the Widest Man in Nicaragua.

Dick Cheney and Dennis Hastert have sealed a deal

to replace Two Fat Ladies as the next high-cholesterol

cooking show on PBS. What the new show will be called

hasn't yet been decided. Some possibilities currently

in circulation are Two Republican Fat Cats Really Chow

Down, Under Cardiac Arrest? Call 1-800-GET-FREE,

and The Dick and Dennis Blubberlugger Cookoff.

Fifty Stars and One Black Hole

This group of Barbary Macaques has been following our

midterm elections with great interest. These intelligent

primates claim the elections will prove Darwin was wrong

when he hypothesized that their evolutionary ancestors

were Republican politicians.

"Hey, I just called the USDA prime sweathogs,

and look who showed up--Marilyn Musgrave!

Publicity Still from the New Movie,

Sister of Chucky: The Great Spelling Bee Massacre

What Was On Mustafa Kemal Ataturk's Mind

the Day He Founded Modern Turkey

"Unknot my hands, O Lord, so that I may throw

this meth away!"

Royal Rules of Etiquette #1

After eating dried fruit, it is permissible to wipe

your mouth with the back of your hand.

China's President Hu Jintao Offers a Toast

to the Re-emergence of the Yellow Peril

"Dang me, dang me

They oughta take a rope and hang me

High from the highest tree

Osama would you weep for me."

George Consoling Laura for Becoming a Sexagenarian, and

Laura Consoling George for Being One Lobe Short of a Trilobite

"It may not be popular with the public — it doesn't matter in

the sense that we have to continue the mission and do what we

think is right. And that's exactly what we're doing. We're not

running for office. We're doing what we think is right. And the

American people be damned!"

Ma Poh says she doesn't stick her neck out

for just anybody.

Bildungblog Exclusive!

GOP Plans to Use Giant Hypnotron

on Election Day

Taoist Man Moved to Nonaction by World's Largest Garter

World's Worst Jobs #10

Chinese Cotton Stacker

Does eating a flag desecrate it?

There's no other way to say it:

some zebras are just rude.

Entertainment Center, Nicaraguan Peasant Style

Grandpa Bush Makes Last Minute Appeal for the Geezer Vote

This man woke up from a flying dream to discover

he was really flying.

Saddam Hussein's defense attorney is a member of

the Gambino crime family, sources say.

Fijian Army Soldier Demoted for Wearing

Brown Boots While on Parade

Ever since his DUI arrest last July, Mel Gibson has

been having more and more 'Apocalypto Moments'.

David Lee and Kyle Lowry make their moves

in a game of full-contact roundball.

Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall

try Sikhism on for size.

Aspiring Actress Auditioning for a Bit Part

in CSI: Miami

World's Worst Jobs #9

Congolese Sand Harvester

If you see this guy walking down the street,

consider him armed and dangerous.

"OK, I'll admit Donald Rumsfeld is responsible for

this much of the chaos in Iraq. But don't push me, or

I'll shorten the Responsibility Stick by an inch or so."

At twenty-nine minutes past the hour, George

W. Bush edged ever closer to a new world

record for the number of hours an American

President admired his own reflection

in a conference table without blinking.