"The many charms about you

Above all I want my arms about you

Come to me

My sweet embraceable you."

The Politico Illustrated #1

"GOP candidates trumpet Christian endorsements"

President Nicolas Sarkozy of France was greeted with

cheers and standing ovations today, a sign that France

was forgiven for being wise in opposing the American-led

war in Iraq.

In exchange for his endorsement, Pat Robertson has been

promised an appointment to a new cabinet-level position,

Grand Inquisitor, in the Giuliani Administration.

Sarko the Giant Replaces Tony Blair

As Bush Toady Par Excellence

"Yes, Mr. President, among my many qualifications to be

head of the Department of Homeland Security is my ability

to foresee the future. For example, if you look really hard, you

can see that I'll be indicted by a federal grand jury on bribery

and tax evasion charges on Friday, November 8, 2007."

"Mr. President, what's it like to be even more unpopular

than Richard Nixon?"

Robertson the Prophet Anointing Rudy the Ruddy with

WD-40 from the Horn of the Thin-Soled Kow Kow

Pie Chart Showing 50% of the American People Strongly

Disapproving of George Bush's Performance As President

Shortly after this photograph was taken, Jose Manuel Barroso,

European Commission President, uttered an ancient Spanish

curse and then burst into a million shards.

In a surprise move, the Creator of Heaven and Earth

today awarded the Golden Wingnut Award to all

descendants of Adam and Eve. "OK, so I fucked up

when I made man and woman in my own image,"

the Creator said. "That's what happens when you

start believing you're God."

"Sarko, you're no giant! I'm only 5' 6" and

I'm as tall as you. What will I tell my little

Françoise? She believes France is led by

a man a head taller than Kobe Bryant!"

American Empire #17

Covert Operations

Hairy Reed Profoundly Disturbed by Statements Judge Michael

Mukasey Made Concerning the Legality of the Use of Waterboarding

Mark Halperin Transfixed by His Own Guile

"Senator Schumer, a senior administration official says

President Bush's nickname for you is 'Ground Chuck'. Do

have any idea what that means?"

Grasping at straws at an unprecedented rate, the

State Department has just received an emergency

resupply from China.

Man Waterboarded Outside Justice Department for

Demonstrating Against Mukasey Nomination

Demented Woman Arrested Wearing Crown and Furs;

Claims She's the Queen of England

Chuck Schumer Struggles Courageously to Save

the Mukasey Nomination

As another hole was about to be drilled in the

suspected terrorist with a DeWalt DC728KA Cordless,

Lt. General Russel Honoré, "one John Wayne dude,"

was heard to say, "We've got an obligation to do

what the hell we've got to do to make sure we get

the mission done."

Brent Wilkes, convicted today on 13 felony counts,

had been warned by President Eisenhower about

the dangers of the Military-Industrial Complex.

But he just wouldn't listen.

"One would have to apply the facts to the law, the law

to the facts, to determine whether any technique,

whatever it happened to be, would cause severe physical

pain or suffering. I'm John Bellinger, State Department

counsel, and I would be browner if I didn't take a stool

softener every day."

Gisele Bundchen Declines Offer to Star in Remake

of A Fistful of Dollars; Accepts Offer to Star in

A Fistful of Euros Instead

Citing economies of scale and the importance of competitve

balance, War Czar Douglas Lute is calling for the merger

of all conflicts in the Middle East and South Asia--in

Iraq, Iran, Pakistan, Israel/Palestine, and Afghanistan--

into one general megawar. "For want of a better term,

let's just call it World War III," he says.

Paul Schum, a Bardstown, Kentucky Catholic high school

principal, has been cited for loitering for the purpose of

prostitution while he was wearing an all-black leather

outfit with fishnet stockings and a pair of fake women's

breasts. In his defense, the Archdiocese of Louisville

says at least the principal wasn't molesting children.

Have you noticed how Howie Kurtz's face

is skewed to the right?

Pumpkinhead (1989)

Pumpkinhead (2007)

At a recent education event in New York, President Bush

strongly reiterated his opposition to using children as

political props.

Tired of playing second fiddle, the campaign sign decided

to run for President as an Independent.

Expect the unexpected if you lunch with the Cheneys.

Insiders say Russian Ultra-Nationalists wear masks because

they really can't stand the sight of each other.

Only now did Becks realize he should have worn

Huggies Pull-Ups with Cool Alert.

Well, the problem wasn't that Sheriff Michael S. Carona

was a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican. The

problem was that, among other things, he accepted over

$350,000 in bribes and chased every skirt within ten

miles of Orange County.

"Tell us, President Musharraf, is Pakistan experiencing

a crackup or a crackdown? The world wants to know!"

As Waylon Jennings once sang, "Mamas Don't

Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Romneys!"

"The government of Pakistan is falling apart, America!

It's time to commit the Fallacy of Ignoratio Elenchi

and bomb the shit out of Iran!"

"Mr. Thompson, one observer has said you look like 'a Shar Pei

in a suit'. Would you care to comment on what that could

possibly mean?"

Fred Thompson says he didn't find it at all unusual

that the the plane he has been borrowing from

Philip Martin, a convicted drug dealer,

was piloted by Dick Dastardly.

"Yes, brethren, General Petraeus made it to #2 on

the Daily Telegraph's list of the Most Influential

Conservatives in America because he understands

the power of prayer."

Mogadishu Disciples of Harry Potter Performing

Occult Tire-Burning Ritual

When you make up your list of reasons for subscribing to

a newspaper, don't forget this one.

Fred Thompson and Jeri Kehn to Star as Stanley

and Kay in Remake of Father of the Bride

"Rats! A rat has ratted out a rat for ratting on another rat."

"Honey, the pizza loaded with E. coli O157:H7 is ready!"

You know things must be bad in Pakistan when

lawyers there are the good guys.

New York Times Movie Critic Gives Rave Review of

The Godfather: Part IV, Starring Rudy Giuliani and

Bernie Kerik

"There's no such thing as a free lunch! I'm Lindsey Graham,

and lunch with me costs $250 a plate!"

Did you notice that London's Daily Telegraph ranked

Evan Bayh #10 in its list of the Top 100 Influential

Liberals in the United States, way above Fearguth,

who didn't even make the top 10,000?