Bob Ney in Ten Languages:

Bob No, Bob Ne, Bob Nyet, Bob Non, Bob Nangwa,

Bob Na, Bob Nu, Bob Naw, Bob Nuddu, Bob Nono

According to Calvinists, this young man was predestined

by God to be a killing machine. According to materialists,

this young man was determined by the laws of physics to be a

killing machine. According to believers in free will, this young

man chose to be a killing machine. So, any way you slice it,

this man is a killing machine. And you won't have much time

to ask him why he is a killing machine before he kills you.

"By the way, Condi, you really are a disgrace to your

race, your sex, your social class, the University of Denver,

and your doctoral committee. But you do have good taste

in skirts."

The world's longest poem has just been published.

It is 62/100ths of a mile long, consists of 7,547 verses,

and is an acrostic that spells out the text of the Universal

Declaration of Human Rights. Unfortunately, it is

written in French, the language of 'cheese-eating

surrender monkeys'.

"Oh fudge! My auntie has booked me for

another fundraiser for Republican anteaters

in Roswell, that boonyland the Mitten Queens

from Outer Space put on the map."

K'ellus Runas, or 'Men in Yellow', is a Bolivian

special army force. When a member of this

elite unit is cashiered for cowardice, you can

bet no one calls him 'yellow'.

The photo on the left was photoshopped;

the photo on the right wasn't.

Anyone with half a brain can see the

difference, and the difference it makes.

Anyone with a whole brain can't.

Katherine Harris Set to Lose Senate Race,

Wins Prize Possum

Germany's Newest Extreme Sport: Horse-Drawn Water Skiing

Winner of Warrior Queen Competition Denies

Using Growth Hormones

Preoccupied with the wars in the Middle East,

the world has paid scant attention to the

Neo-Viking invasion of Spain.

Attention Do-It-Yourselfers!

Save Big at Nude Coffin Warehouse!

Jenson "Give 'Em Shell" Button

Newt Gingrich says that the insurgency in Iraq has

now spread to Connecticut, and that Ned Lamont

should be hunted down like Osama bin Laden, Ayan

al-Zawahiri, and the Cookie Monster.

This is called 'eel grappling', and it really turns some people on.

Voting Republican really turns some people on, too.

Aquacycling is a very popular pasttime in

India this time of year.

Another indicator of what a pusillanimous hockey

puck Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is, is this ad,

sprinkled around the right-wing blogosphere, paid

for by Volpac, Frist's own Political Action Committee.

"Don't touch that dial, folks! This is the Hats Channel,

I'm Álvaro Uribe, the President of Colombia, and you

won't believe the bargain I have for you!"

The owl was not fooled. It could see that that

the human was obviously feigning being cold.

And so it ordered the temperature inside the

cage turned down another ten degrees.

With the Rio Grande in the background,

the Commander-in-Chief didn't notice the

stage props as he hurried to the Wellscargo

Toilet Trailer.

Evo Morales, the President of Bolivia, has rejected

claims he is suffering from terminal dandruff.

After all these years, Mick Jagger still can't get no satisfaction.

The next time your next-door neighbor asks to borrow

a cup of sugar, don't refuse the request, as the owner

of this home unfortunately did.

A woman who claims to be a descendant

of the union of Jesus and Mary Magdalene

has crucified herself on a cross she built out

of a box of Legos she got for Christmas.

Synchronized Salah, With One Exception

Attack of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

In another nocturnal fantasy,

the soldier had a really big gun.

The footballers didn't seem to mind that the

playing field wasn't level.

"Hmmm, let's see. Should I clear brush from the

north 40 first, then the south 40? Or vice-versa?"

Lebanese Terrorists Hawking Hezbollah Merch

Isn't it amazing how some people can talk on their

cellphones under the noisiest of conditions?

For the first time in history, a sinking ship, the

USS Joseph Lieberman, has abandoned all

rats on board, including David Brooks, Marty

Peretz, the Lieberkidz, and Richard Goodstein.

Mad Mel: Beyond Thunderbird

Dick Cheney Gets His Gun and

Reports for Duty as a Docent

at NRA World

If Jesus had gone to the wedding feast

in Qana today, there would have been

no water to turn into wine.

You don't have to be a worm farmer to know

that Israel has opened a can of worms.

Pace. Rumsfeld. Abizaid.

Three reasons why Iraq is FUBAR.

A New York hen in Washington, DC, that has grown a rooster

comb, tail and wattle, and has begun to crow, is wreaking
havoc in its chicken house, where the rooster, George #43,
is hopping mad.

When Richard Goodstein eats a cheeseburger,

he turns into Richard Badstein.

Kim Clijsters' Secrets of Success

Never take your eye off the ball.

Child Laborers Building the Yellow Brick Road

While everyone else was roaring with laughter, James Brady

shed a tear at the last meeting in the West Wing briefing room.

Asked about this later, Mr. Brady said, "When is George going

to win one for the Gipper?"

The Christian girl in Jordan could see that the candle

of Lebanese democracy was burning very low.

TPM Muckraker Justin Rood Re-Surfaces After

Exploring the World of Richard Goodstein

This is a publicity still from the upcoming movie,

30 Seconds Over the Marianas, starring John

Doolittle, produced by Tom DeLay, and directed

by Jack Abramoff.

You show up late for prayers,

you don't find a place to park.

The Shining 2: Spawn of Jack Torrance

Some say this Rumsfeld is half full,

some say half empty.

Inductee into the Church of Flaming Orifices

Chugalugs a Bottle of Dave's Insanity Sauce