Condi Rice Impersonator Exposed as Hugo

Chavez Mole in the Mickey Mouse Club

Cookie Finally Crumbles;

Howard Krongard Resigns as the State

Department's Inspector General

The only military force less feared than the Mexican Navy

is the Nicaraguan National Guard.

Just the day before, the unlucky backpacker had been told

the chances of a meteorite hitting him in the nose while he

slept were 1 in 182 trillion.

Oregon Balloonist Flies 193 Miles in Lawn Chair,

Complains about the High Cost of Onboard Snacks

"So which is it, Senator McConnell: are you saying

the lives of full-time professional soldiers are worth

less than the lives of draftees, or are you saying that

draftees aren't full-time professional soldiers?"

"Gold tie, diamond-studded cufflinks, manicured nails,

expertly-trimmed beard. You may be a hard-nosed

sonofabitch when it comes to torturing people, Mr. Rizzo,

but you're the most nattily dressed nominee to come before

this Committee in a month of Sundays."

Ratso got all huffy when someone asked if he was

related to John Rizzo, the Acting General Counsel

for the CIA.

"Hey Rizzo, you any kin to Ratso?"

"Gott in Himmel, stop calling me 'Beans' Haussler!

My name is HEINRICH!"

"Yep, another one of those war-addled chickenhawks.

Ship it to Iraq!"

If the U. S. didn't have such restrictive gun control

laws, you might find a rocket-propelled grenade

launcher under the Christmas tree this year.

Win the Mongolian Wrestling Championship,

win a sea bream.

Looks like what Hakan needs right now is some

Orajel Maximum Strength.

"And then I took those wascal CIA torture tapes

and cwushed them in my bare hands!"

On the eve of the Fourth Day of Zappadan, RAQ whipped

up some dragon lotion for their version of 'Dirty Love'.

Zappadan: Day Three

Fearguth Shows Up with an Old Book

"Isn't it amazing how I was able to explain my faith

by uttering the word, 'Mormon', only once? We in

the Inner Circle understand this. Those of you in

the Outer Circle don't."

"Like some fries with that ketchup, mate?"

"Murtha and Dingell march to the tune of Nancy Pelosi

to an extent I had not seen, frankly, with any previous

speaker. They are not carrying the big swinging dicks

I would have expected. I’m trying to think how to say all of

this in a gentlemanly fashion, but in the Congress I served

in, that wouldn’t have happened.”

"What you mean, 'Bush's credibility'?

That heap big oxymoron, Kemo Sabe."

"Iran is inclined to express a desire to obtain the knowledge to

be able to enrich uranium so that they might re-start their

program-related activities which could possibly produce a

nuclear weapon by 2013. Be afraid, America, be very afraid!"

Man Chastised for Badgering

His Wife's Beaver

"Dan Bartlett says right-wing bloggers 'regurgitate exactly

and put up on their blogs what you said to them'. Wouldn't

you agree, Mr. Hinderaker, that this sounds more like puking

than blogging? Uh ..... Mr. Hinderaker?"

White House Road Map to the Grass Roots

"I mean," writes Dan Bartlett, former counselor to
 President Bush, "talk about a direct IV into the vein of 
your support. It’s a very efficient way to communicate. They 
[right-wing bloggers] regurgitate exactly and put up on 
their blogs what you said to them. It is something that we’ve 
cultivated and have really tried to put quite a bit of focus on."

On the second day of Zappadan, President Bush went

nucular when he saw the Culture Ghost's Zappa collection.

Blank Slate #4
Top Stories from December 5, 2007

"Hitchcock's Secret"

"How 'Stairway to Heaven' Ruined Led Zeppelin"

"What Do the Cops Have on Me?"

"Should the Government Pay You to Lose Weight?"

"When Bad Movies Happen to Cute Animals"

"Why the Stink Over Pink"

Siblings in Tehran Wondering How Many Asses Stephen

Hadley Had to Kiss to Become President Bush's National

Security Adviser

After being taken to the woodshed for his dunderheaded

series on genetic IQ differences, Slate's William Saletan

published a semi-retraction. That's all well and good, but

it dodged the real issue, namely, how supercilious

intellectuals, like Saletan, play with explosive ideas

as if they were baby rattles.

Secretary Gates and General Petraeus Walking

the Green Zone Mile in Baghdad

Whatever you do, do not flatter Rick Stengel,

Time's managing editor. Why? Because he

wrote the book on it --- You're Too Kind:

A Brief History of Flattery.

World's Worst Jobs #68

Chinese Railroad Track Digger

"It's all a matter of perspective. If our plane wasn't so

close to the moon right now, it would look a lot smaller."

"What? The plane?"

"No, dummy, the moon!"

Fearguth's Rules of Order #3

Always mute your iPod when approaching

a monkey on a rope eating watermelon.

"Would you mind explaining how the Halfway

House for Neoconservatives ended up here, in

the middle of the NIE Railroad track?"

Just in Time for Christmas!

Chavez Forever Dolls!

For Sale: Cheap!

Months later, the President of Venezuela realized his Songs

for Always CD was what turned a majority of his people

against him and interrupted his quest for more power.

But then he started receiving a monthly bill for the

number of cubic feet his body occupied. Shortly

thereafter, he declared bankruptcy and went into

receivership.

"Gosh! My end is nearer than I thought!"

"Over here, the tale is called 'Little Black Riding Hood',

there are no wolves, and the last fairy was beheaded

right after the British left."

Pushing 50, Louise Ciccone Ritchie understands

more clearly what it means to be a 'material girl'.

Reduced to tears by the National Intelligence Estimate,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now suspects U. S. intelligence

agencies are conspiring to undermine his presidency.

National Intelligence Estimate Ranks President

Bush as World's #1 Threat to Intelligence

Dinner for Someone on a Starvation Diet

The Kabul resident claimed he had been framed.

Today is the first day of Zappadan, the annual

festival hosted by The Aristocrats to celebrate

Frank Zappa, the man and his music. Admission

is absolutely free. Remember: it is customary to

take your clothes off when you dance.

"Yeah, Sergei, I know the box I'm carrying is full

of ballots. But I sometimes think Russia simply

gets too much snow to be a democracy. Democracy,

you know, was invented in Athens, and it doesn't

snow there but once in a blue moon."

World's Worst Jobs #67

Afghani Cotton Weaver

Prince Faisal Bin Al Meshaal Bin Saud Bin

Abdul-Aziz Getting His Oil Changed