Diego Maradona apparently favors a literal interpretation

of the expression, "You can kiss my foot!"

What if Sean Connery had been a tortilla

painter instead of James Bond?

"Senator, I served with Dick Cheney: I knew Dick Cheney; Dick

Cheney was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Dick Cheney!"

What is it about John Boehner, Adam Putnam, and Roy

Blunt that makes you doubt they are true exponents

of the Hooverite doctrine of 'rugged individualism'?

Worm's-Eye View of Golf Ball in the Rough

Fearguth's Rules of Order #21

To avoid being obnoxious, do not ask a hedgehog

if it is related to the Echinocereus triglochidiatus.

"If you have to cuss, Mr. Brautigan, start a blog.

But for cussing in my courtroom, I sentence

you to six months in jail!"

"Now that I've shown you what's in my wallet,

what's in yours?"

Q: "Hey buddy, where ya headed in such a hurry?"

A: "To the Fourth Day of Zappadan--where else?"

Never was there a more perfect mismatch than

between Mary Katharine Ham and a green three-

quarter length sheared mink coat with laser grooving.

Buoyed by the thought that his term of

office ends in 44 days, President Bush's

approval rating soared to 28%.

Interior Department Overturns Regulation, Clearing the Way

for Concealed, Loaded Firearms into National Parks;

Prospective Visitors to Badlands Say "It's About Time!"

Tuskless Elephant Wash

World's Worst Yobs #64

Stuart Taylor

On the Third Day of Zappadan, there's no cover charge

for ladies dressed in chocolate.

Right After President Bush Uttered the 'R' Word

for the First Time

Happiness Can Spread Like the Flu, Study Finds

"I’ve been ruminating over economic prospects for next year,"

Paul Krugman writes, "and I’m getting scared." Uh-oh.

Q: "Pardon me, sir, but why are you all dolled up?"

A: "Haven't you heard? It's the Second Day of Zappadan."

The case for human irrationality was clinched when

the prosecution presented as Exhibit A a heart-shaped

chunk of carbon for which someone paid $6 million.

If you live in Beijing, put Days of Future Passed on

the turntable and "breathe deep the gathering gloom."

What talking heads say on TV is often inexplicable

until you realize how small they are compared to

normal, off-screen heads.

Chinese Miner All in Favor of 'Clean Coal',

Says "I'm Sick and Tired of Washing

Behind My Ears Every Saturday Night!"

And then there's vertical soccer for

the horizontally-challenged.

She is too polite to tell you herself, but if you are

thinking of giving her a Christmas present, Sofie

has all the hula hoops she needs right now.

Perino Can’t Explain Why Bush Administration

Opposes Cluster F-Bomb Treaty

What to Wear If You Want a Pirate to

Find Your Treasure on the Map

Have you ever noticed you can't

shake hands with your fist?

As you can see, the road to 'clean coal' is clearly marked.

Fearguth's Rules of Order #20

Don't be cruel to an Asian Bearcat by

asking it to smile.

Blackwater Plans New Mission: Fighting Pirates

Q: "What's all the commotion?"

A: "It's the First Day of Zappadan."

In old age, R2-D2 had learned to appreciate

the advantages of assisted living.

"Our shared fondness for fart jokes is the tie that

binds us together. So, c'mon, George, pull my finger!"

Cruise Ship Passengers Surprised by Pirate Attack

Deborah Lawrence Proudly Displays

Bush's Ball Laura Ordered Removed

What to Wear When You Visit the

Museum of Modern Art

Kathleen Hensley Portalski, Cindy McCain's Half-Sister,

Got the Last Laugh, Albeit Proleptically

Astronauts Tinkering with Water-to-Wine Machine

No matter how much he pleaded, nobody would

throw him a lifeline.

It Shouldn't Happen to a Dog

The market had been down so long the bottom

looked up to him.

Recession Celebrates First Birthday

Rubberneckers Turning Seven-Car Pileup

into Internet Traffic Slowdown

Baby with Dirty Diaper Lets President Know

It Needs Change It Can Believe In

World's Worst Yobs #63

Lawrence Kudlow

Bo Pilgrim Swallows Pride, Goes Bust

President Bush Says Biggest Regret

Was Bad Intelligence

Americans Losing Their Appetite for Spending;

Lack of Interest in Consumption Really Burning

God of Mammon Up

Parisians Up to Their Asses in Pandas