"Where do you go to school?"

"SMU."

"Where?"

"Southern Methodist University. You know, the

school with a library built in honor of the most

unpopular President in American history."

"Oh, that SMU."

There was a simple explanation for the puzzling expression

on John McCain's face. He was looking at

Cindy.

Sarah Sixpack and her husband made a quarter of a million

dollars last year. That's five times the median household

income of the 7,000 residents of Wasilla. Sarah Sixpack

and her husband live in a custom-built, half-million-dollar

house, worth three times the average value of the other

houses in Wasilla. That's not PBR in Sarah's sixpack.

That's Stella Artois.

Word on the street is that when she is asked a question

she doesn't want to answer in the vice presidential debate,

Sarah Palin will pull out her flute and play a few measures

from 'The Homecoming', the number she performed at the

Miss Alaska talent competition in 1984.

Someone needs to ask the Governor of Alaska, "Sarah, do

you remember the day when you chose to be a heterosexual?

And what arguments on that day did you find the most

persuasive in making your decision?"

Q: "Why is Sarah taking so long in the restroom?"

A: "She's catching up on the nation's 1,452 daily newspapers.

She reads all of them, you know."

What's Willow Palin doing on the campaign trail in Ohio?

Shouldn't a thirteen-year-old girl be in school right now?

After his success in bringing back the real Lazarus,

Jesus turned his attention to John McCain.

Asked whether he's always been covered by government

health insurance, John McCain replied, "I've never been

an astronaut but I know the challenges of space." And

then he lifted off.

Herd Mentality Rules in Financial Crisis

Strong Bad McCain says: "If I were dictator, which

I always aspire to be."

Will cat food be available in Post-Apocalypse America? If not,

what would this portend for the future of cat blogging?

Another twenty-five American soldiers died in Iraq

in September. That brings the total number of American

soldiers who have been killed and won't be able to join

John McCain in celebrating America's victory in the Iraq

War to 4,176. Their Hip-Hip-Hoorays will definitely

be missed.

"As we waddle along through life, my webfooted friends,

let us never forget the Seven Stages of Grief: (1) Egg,

(2) Duckling, (3) Daffy Duck, (4) Lame Duck, (5) Dead

Duck, (6) Duck Soup, and (7) George Bush."

Main Street America Angry Over Credit Crisis;

Residents Blame Walt Disney, Norman Rockwell,

President Eisenhower

“What I am saying to you now has not been said by any Israeli

leader before me. The time has come to say these things. First,

George Bush is a political eunuch. Second, I quit!”

"Ayeee! Someone stole my Ding-a-Ling!"

If it's beer hoisting and bosom heaving you seek,

why not take time out for Oktoberfest?

For most people, there's a difference between 'questions' and

'gotcha questions'. But not Sarah Palin. To her, all questions

are 'gotcha questions'.

Bank Collapses Under the Weight of Exceptionally Silly Name

President Showing Symptoms of Hooveritis Recumbens

Bar Lowered for Vice-Presidential Debate

The only Supreme Court decision Sarah Palin knows by name

is Roe v. Wade. One might think she would also know Bush v.

Gore, the decision that got us into the mess she's now 
promising to rescue us from.

Dusty Foggo, former Executive Director of the CIA,

has copped a plea. In exchange for pleading guilty

to one charge of wire fraud, 27 other counts against

him were dropped. As an avid poker player, Dusty

always knew when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.

BAILOUT FAILS --- STOCKS PLUNGE

Dow Loses 777 Points After Vote;

Loss Hailed by Matt Drudge as the Luckiest

Stock Market Plunge Ever;

Karl Rove Does the Numerology, Predicts

Republican Landslide in November

The Palin Principle: In the Republican Party hierarchy, every

member tends to rise to the level of her incompetence.

Kristol's Law: Mediocrity expands so as to fill the space

available to write another column for the New York Times.

"'Scuse Me While I Kiss the Sky"

Astronomers now believe the only place where George Bush will

be completely safe after he leaves office on January 20, 2009, is

inside the Bubble Nebula, which is 11,300 light years from Earth.

Dynasty's Sammy Jo Dean Arrested by T. J. Hooker for

Blocking Traffic in Melrose Place

Most Popular Vegas Wedding Cake Designed

with John McCain in Mind.

"OK, so the financial rescue deal is a crap sandwich. But with

a little lettuce and tomato, it's not so bad."

Taxpayer Bracing for Financial Rescue

When the Aflac Duck lost its lucrative job making TV spots,

it launched a second career by joining a notorious gang

of webfooted pickpockets.

World's Worst Yobs #51

Bill Kristol

Remember when Sarah Palin--John McCain's 'Nyaa! Nyaa!

Nyaa! Girl'--was all the rage? Those were the days weren't

they? But they were just 30 short days ago. If days like those

get any shorter, we're going to start jumping from the past

to the future, skipping the present altogether.

When you look at Sarah Jessica Parker, aren't you glad

there isn't an ANSI standard for beauty?

After dropping out of politics and after Tina Fey had become a big

box office draw, Sarah Palin launched a second career doing satirical

impressions of Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live. The reaction of TV

critics was generally favorable, some saying she was even funnier

than Senator Al Franken, the Democrat from Minnesota whose

political ascendancy began the day he courageously pointed out

that Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot.

While the iniquities of the fathers are visited upon the sons

unto the third and fourth generation, it's the calories of the

mothers which are visited upon the daughters.

"It might be a good day for you to wake up with a woody, but,

for me, it would mean I had had too much to drink the night

before and had slept with a lecherous old movie director."

Fareed Zakaria on Sarah Palin: "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?"

John McCain's Home Turf

John McCain Live-Naps the Debate

Dr. Strangelove Meets Mrs. Robinson

"I'm going to be a grandmother soon, Mrs. McCain. Do you

think I might borrow your copy of Doting for Dummies?"

When Chris Bosch smiles, should you (1) doff your hat,

(2) place your hand over your heart, (3) salute, (4) sing the

Star-Spangled Banner, or (5) recite the Pledge of Allegiance?

"I have a small furry animal in my left hand and I

will crush it unless you support my bailout plan!"

Pictorial Etymology of 'Bush League'

His mother had always told him to look for a woman with

a square head on her shoulders. Finally, he found one.