Pennsylvania Representative Curt Weldon has alleged

that his Democratic opponent's decision to have his

4-year-old daughter treated for a malignant brain tumor

in a DC-area hospital was a 'political tactic'.

Asked to name the source of his allegation,

Mr. Weldon would only identify him as an

"Iranian rug merchant."

Based on a recent poll conducted by the CDC and JAMA,

some experts warn that if all the overweight people

in America today were to go on a diet tomorrow,

the Earth might lose its balance and plummet into the Sun.

This champion curler is learning one

of the fundamental facts of life:

when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Four men on a holiday outing in West Texas

were held up today by a man who claimed

to have a 'conceal carry' permit.

When the Predator's helmet was removed

in a Baghdad courtroom today, everyone exclaimed:

"You are one ugly motherfucker!"

Saddam Hussein's lawyer has admitted that

his most dramatic and dangerous scenes in

a Baghdad courtroom were actually

performed by this stunt double from Hollywood.

When God's Hammer reached the Pearly Gates,

St. Peter said: "Come in without DeLay."

When we all get to Heaven, let's hope there are

gated communities, so we can keep riffraff like

Richard and Leslie Scrushy out.

This cartoon jury has decided

that this cartoon terrorist

can be rubbed out by this cartoon eraser.

Former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage

has just been named to the board of ConocoPhillips.

He is also a key witness in the Valerie Plame affair.

After swimming with the sharks for so many years,

only his head remains.

Contestants for the World B-Cup Soccer Tournament

To compensate for the decline of its auto

industry, the state of Michigan is being paid to be a

dumping ground for tons of Toronto trash.

Michiganders call it GICO (Garbage In, Cars Out).

The Department of Defense wants to build 3,000

F-35 Joint Strike Fighters for an estimated

$250 billion, or about $83 million a plane.

Defenders of this rather expensive aircraft

are quick to point out that it is absolutely

impervious to Improvised Explosive Devices,

except when it lands.

Katie Couric Leaves Today,

Heads for Tomorrow

Homeland Security chief Michael

Chertoff is optimistic that the Chinese

will agree to sell the Great Wall of China

and move it to the U. S.-Mexico border.

In Rajasthan, a state in western India, a textbook

used at schools says housewives and donkeys

are much the same, except that donkeys are

better companions, complain less, and are more

loyal to their masters. Kate O'Beirne is rumored to be in

negotiations to secure the rights for an English translation.

After he referred to his opponents as 'coglioni'

[Italian slang for 'testicles', variously translated

as 'morons', 'cretins', 'arseholes', and 'pricks'],

President Berlusconi strongly denied he had taken

lessons in Pig Latin from Justice Scalia.

Brian Doyle was arrested yesterday

for seducing the U. S. Department

of Homeland Security.

Jessica Alba for Young Boys

Jessica Alba for Old Boys

Astronomers say they have spotted a cloud

of alcohol in deep space that measures 288

billion miles across. They have decided to

name it 'Skyy High'.