You know the main course is going to be sugar-free

cotton candy when you log on to Slate to learn that the

lead article tackles the vexing issue of how the American

people misunderstand the Kentucky Derby. So you decide

to dig deeper into really important issues by clicking on

"Al-Qaida's Funniest Home Videos." But those turn out

to be, when you stop to think about it, almost as funny as

Lou Gehrig's Disease. So what's the point of this online

magazine? There is no point, and that's the point. It's

just a bunch of weisenheimers who get their kicks by

jerking you off.

Have you heard about the new blockbuster movie

headed your way? It's way over budget because it's

been in production since 1989. It's called

Men in Black and White: Nobody Beats the Bushes, and

it will be showing in a theater near you this summer.

Birds, descendants of the dinosaurs, have survived for so long

because they know how to adapt to a changing environment. By

contrast, humans, who haven't been around all that long, have

chosen a different survival strategy, namely, to make the

environment adapt to them. With over six billion humans

now on the Earth, some say this strategy is working. Others say

birds will be around long after the last human and the last

water faucet have vanished from the planet.

When John Hutton, Britain's Secretary of State for

Work and Pensions, winked at them, the crowd

panicked and fled in all directions, knowing

that they were now under the Curse of Blair.

As restorers in London try to pigeon-proof the statue of

Lord Nelson in Trafalgar Square, they have discovered

that most of the birds who poop on one of England's

greatest heroes are migrants from France and Spain.

Yesterday, about 500 people rallied in Crawford demanding

tighter border security. Where else on earth would Republican

Governor Rick Perry be viewed as too liberal? Nowhere but Texas.

Forty students from five North Dakota universities have

debuted an experimental Mars space suit developed under a

$100,000 grant from NASA. They are now working on a $10

billion grant proposal to build a space ship to go with it.

Gymnast Loses His Head on Parallel Bars,

Faces Potential Disqualification

President Ahmadinejad makes ready for the Iranian version

of Attack of the Clones.

Asshat Spotted at Kentucky Derby

In his commencement address at Tiffin University

on Saturday, outgoing CIA Director Porter Goss told

the graduates that if he were speaking to a graduating

class of CIA case officers, he would give this bit

of advice: "Admit nothing, deny everything, and make

counteraccusations." He then added: "If you follow this

advice, you might someday be standing here as another

ex-Director of the CIA."

When President Bush gave the commencement address at

Oklahoma State University yesterday, Dubya fans showed

their support by wearing the official Republican color,

'jailhouse orange'.

In an out-of-the-way corner of Czechoslovakia,

World War II is still being fought.

A few Hyundais are refusing to conform.

Long believed to be a mythological creature,

Pegasus has been captured and is being

trained to perform in a well-known circus.

With the purchase of a chew toy for the

Vice President, President Bush's shopping

spree at Fragers Hardware was complete.

Vice President Cheney Closes Deal to Buy Dracula's Castle

President Bush proves conclusively he still has

five fingers on his right hand.

Wrap yourself in the flag and you lose your personal identity.

But that's the whole idea, isn't it?

In this bucolic scene, an Afghan farmer stands with his son

in a field of opium poppies. Afghanistan's economy is 
dominated by the illegal narcotics trade, which accounts 
for 60 percent of its GDP and 87 percent of the world's 
supply. But, thanks to the United States, Afghanistan is now 
a democracy. And what could be more important than that?

"If you don't mind," said the little lamb, "I think I'll

skip the Feast of St. George this year. The main course

is always mutton, and its got a whang to it that really

puts me off my feed."

In the middle of his birthday celebration in

Hong Kong, Lord Buddha pointed to the sign

atop the building and said, "That sign says

'Jesus Is Lord'. Since when?"

Some people smoke grass to get high.

The President snorts rosemary.

Only one of the toy animals tried to run away.

Little Known Fact #1

Even after going to hell, some people keep praying.

Russian Soldiers Rehearsing for Moscow Production

of A Chorus Line

Do you read Slate?

If you do, you already

know it is lighter than

air, so insubstantial

that the solar wind

blows it into deep

space before you

have time to click

on Kausfiles.

Less than two years ago, President Bush strode proudly

through the Great Hall of the Central Intelligence Agency

alongside its new director, Porter Goss. He's now gone, just

another bit of collateral damage caused by the implosion of

the Bush Presidency. But, thanks to diligent janitors, the

CIA medallion remains as shiny as ever.

Mr. Fish may lose money on his new car magnet idea.

If you think George Bush is phonier than a $3 bill,

please raise your hand.

Thank you.

Dominguez Lino was terrified at the sight of the

flying yellow sphere with a penchant for blood.

How foolish she had been to challenge the Tall Man

to a singles match in Phantasm V: Forehand Smash

to the Head.

The Swiss Guard wondered what Dan Brown was up to

snooping around the Vatican.

Brian Doyle, former deputy press secretary for the

Department of Homeland Security's Office of Public

Affairs, has been released on $230,000 bail on charges

of using the Internet to seduce a child. In other news,

'jailhouse orange' has been proposed as the official

color of the Republican Party.

"Graciela tells me she is 'La Reina del Pueblo' and that

she would like me to be 'El Rey del Pueblo'.

She sure knows a lot of Spanish, doesn't she?"

Uruguay's President Tabare Vazquez was happy

to see that President Bush hadn't heard the

joke about the pinche gringo from Texas.

Chilehead Demonstrates the Power of

Dave's Ultimate Insanity Sauce

President Bush couldn't figure out why Chancellor Merkel

was so stuck up.

Tired of Getting Screwed, Man Decides to Drill Himself

Music Fan Has Private Audience with Guitar God

"Mary Cheney, Dick's daughter, says I'm a good man but

I haven't caught up on gay issues. Well, she's right about

the 'good man' part, but I have to disagree with her idea

that I'm a slow learner."

You probably haven't seen one of these before.

Called a 'walking portrait', it moves from room

to room during the day and then hangs itself on

the wall at bedtime.

Preparations are now underway for Tony Snow's first

press gaggle. In the past, there were never enough

shovels to go around. But thanks to a generous grant

from Comedy Central, each newsman present will have

his very own Kodiak Long Handle Round Point.

Normally, unicorns, especially black ones, are very skittish

and won't allow humans to get near them. But this young

woman had cast a spell on the mythical beast when she quoted

a line from Lewis Carroll: "Well, now that we have seen each

other, if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you."

Karen Hughes, Undersecretary of State for Public Gaffes

and Faux Pas, stepped into it again today when she

declared, "As we all know, Kahlil Gibran was a lifelong

advocate of capitalism and the free enterprise system.

That's why he wrote his greatest work, The Profit Motive."

Vice President Cheney grew impatient as he

waited for somebody to say the blessing.

Those wacky Minutemen! They must have a whole flock

of gag writers and banner makers working for them.

Janitors at the CIA are reportedly working overtime

trying to erase the footprints left behind by Porter

Goss and Dusty Foggo which lead to those supersecret

'poker games' at the Watergate.

According to today's New York Times, 'skinny jeans'

are all the rage right now. The tighter the fit, the better.

Once you get them on, you have to either walk or stand.

Sitting down is out of the question.

More than 3,000 mothers packed a Manila stadium in

an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for

simultaneously breastfeeding their children. A giant

sucking sound was heard as far as the island of

Corregidor, more than 25 miles away.

On the order of the South Korean government and

at the behest of the United States, the villagers of

Pyongtaek have been expropriated so that American

military bases can be expanded on their land.

Protestors, like this one, believe there is something

wrong with this picture.