Stephen Caracappa's career opened as

a detective in the NYPD. It closed as

a hit man for the mob. He could handle

the conviction for his criminal activity.

But what he couldn't handle were thesnide remarks about his overcoat.

Even Cinerama couldn't have captured

the enormity of Louis Eppolitto and his crimes,

the former NYPD detective who ended his

career as a hit man for the mob.

This is Professor Ward Churchill. From the right,

he looks like the offspring of an illicit relationship

between Godzilla and the Creature from the

Black Lagoon. From the left, he looks like a guy

who needs to get a haircut, lose some weight, and

wear a white sport coat with a pink carnation.

When David Horowitz spoke at the Academic Freedom
Conference, he was happy to see that his twin,
Ward Churchill, was fading out of the picture.

As the people of Iraq enter the Neoconservative Age,

we are reminded of the central paradox of human life,

namely, that religion is both the Elixir of Life and

the Draught of Death.

Yep, astronomers have discovered another goddammed

ring around Uranus. You just gotta scrub a little harder.

Even as a small boy, Scott McClellan honed the

skills he would use later as a spokesman for

President Bush.

If you've heard of Ben Shapiro, you're spending

too much time at the bottom of the food chain.

Chinese Big Brother

American Big Brother

Superman wears a cape. Batman wears a cape.

Captain Marvel wears a cape. Pope Benedict wears

a cape. But Bob Incredible doesn't wear a cape.

That's because he, unlike the other Superheroes, had

enough sense to get married. And Helen, his wife,

knows capes are impractical.

In a show of prestidigitation reminiscent of Harry

Houdini, the President proudly displays the panties

that, just moments before, had been worn by the

lady to his right.

"So what if I used sensitive intelligence data for

political gain! You shouldn't forget my guiding

principle is, 'What Would Nixon Do'?"

Hoe Fetishist Rush the Rake to Undergo

Full Frontal Limbaughtomy

Before you can say, "There's something wrong with

my Guidant Ventak Prism Automatic Implantable

Cardioverter Defibrillator system!", you die.

In this fragment from The Gospel of Judas,

George says to Scooter: "You will exceed

all of them. For you will sacrifice the man

that clothes me."

Meredith Vieira Blocks The View,

Looks Forward to Today

In testimony before Congress today, Treasury

Secretary John Snow was optimistic about

everybody's job prospects, except his own.

As they planned their Three Stooges Revival

Tour, Joe, Bill, and John couldn't agree

on who would get to play Curly.

Nick Lampson, Democratic candidate for the House

seat vacated by Tom DeLay, tried to hold a press

conference today. Instead, he was mobbed by the

cast and crew of the new straight-to-video comedy,

Goon Squad.

Ehud Olmert's sweeping gesture knocked Shimon

Peres over like a tenpin.

Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman was miffed when

someone joked that dumping him--and not nuclear

waste--in Yucca Mountain would be a Win-Win proposition.

Ordered to wreck Nick Lampson's press conference this

morning, DeLay supporters started roaming the streets

like zombies straight out of Dawn of the Dead.

As this photo of Cardinal Francis George

shows, if you go without sex for too long,

you turn into a Conehead.

"That's quite a woodrow you got there,

Ken."

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was

reluctant to shake hands with an Average Joe.

A Sign of the Times

When he discovered somebody had put Krazy Glue in

his chair, Mexico's President Vicente Fox was not amused.

Just seconds after this picture was taken,

the giant saucer abducted everyone in the room.

Who would've guessed that bumperstickers

were just a gateway to the really hard stuff?

Phil Spector was convicted today for

getting an outrageous blowjob.

10 SECONDS: The Pain Begins

15 SECONDS: You Can't Breathe

20 SECONDS: Your Head Explodes

Brainscanners

There's a numpty in them thar hills!

Pennsylvania Representative Curt Weldon has alleged

that his Democratic opponent's decision to have his

4-year-old daughter treated for a malignant brain tumor

in a DC-area hospital was a 'political tactic'.

Asked to name the source of his allegation,

Mr. Weldon would only identify him as an

"Iranian rug merchant."

Based on a recent poll conducted by the CDC and JAMA,

some experts warn that if all the overweight people

in America today were to go on a diet tomorrow,

the Earth might lose its balance and plummet into the Sun.

This champion curler is learning one

of the fundamental facts of life:

when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Four men on a holiday outing in West Texas

were held up today by a man who claimed

to have a 'conceal carry' permit.

When the Predator's helmet was removed

in a Baghdad courtroom today, everyone exclaimed:

"You are one ugly motherfucker!"

Saddam Hussein's lawyer has admitted that

his most dramatic and dangerous scenes in

a Baghdad courtroom were actually

performed by this stunt double from Hollywood.

When God's Hammer reached the Pearly Gates,

St. Peter said: "Come in without DeLay."

When we all get to Heaven, let's hope there are

gated communities, so we can keep riffraff like

Richard and Leslie Scrushy out.

This cartoon jury has decided

that this cartoon terrorist

can be rubbed out by this cartoon eraser.

Former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage

has just been named to the board of ConocoPhillips.

He is also a key witness in the Valerie Plame affair.

After swimming with the sharks for so many years,

only his head remains.

Contestants for the World B-Cup Soccer Tournament

To compensate for the decline of its auto

industry, the state of Michigan is being paid to be a

dumping ground for tons of Toronto trash.

Michiganders call it GICO (Garbage In, Cars Out).

The Department of Defense wants to build 3,000

F-35 Joint Strike Fighters for an estimated

$250 billion, or about $83 million a plane.

Defenders of this rather expensive aircraft

are quick to point out that it is absolutely

impervious to Improvised Explosive Devices,

except when it lands.

Katie Couric Leaves Today,

Heads for Tomorrow

Homeland Security chief Michael

Chertoff is optimistic that the Chinese

will agree to sell the Great Wall of China

and move it to the U. S.-Mexico border.