"I, Fouad Ajami, Majid Khadduri Professor of Middle
 Eastern Studies, Paul H. Nitze School of Advanced 
International Studies, Johns Hopkins University, do 
solemnly swear that David Shuster, pinchhitting for 
Chris Matthews on Hardball, did, with malice

aforethought, throw a slider into my private parts
 that did, in effect, unsex me before the world, 
especially in front of my neoconservative friends
 and allies. Therefore, I demand that Tweetie 
be returned to the airwaves ASAP, at least by
 the time I re-establish my manhood and stop sounding 
like the late Beverly Sills singing to the Muppets."