Saturday, September 16, 2006

Is Iraq in the middle of a 'civil' war?
Absolutely not. It it were, the answer
to Bob Dole's question would be 'civil'.
But right now, the answer is anything but
'civil': a roadside bomb, a rocket-propelled
grenade, or a 'shoot-and-scoot' mortar round.
Sometimes money talks, sometimes it doesn't.
Mr. Smiley Face swears he loves us,
except when he's not smiling.
Outfitted and equipped only with kitchenware from Emeril
Lagasse's secret stash, the Moonbat on the left will duel
the Wingnut on the right in this week's Iron Blogger
Lutefisking competition.
Only three Holy Huggable dolls are available right
now: Holy Moses, Jesus H. Christ, and Polly Esther
Poontang. The Jesus doll also quotes a passage
from some recently-discovered 'lost gospel', where
the Savior says: "As foretold by the prophet Isaiah,
'Mary Magdalene gives really good head'."
After the attacks of 9/11, Gary Weddle vowed not
to shave until Osama bin Laden had been brought
to justice. Well, it's over five years later and Gary's
beard is over a foot long, which is even longer than
President Bush's attention span.
"Yes, my child. The Princess kissed the toad and
the toad remained the same. But the Princess became
Ann Coulter."
Orkin Men Fumigating for Giant Cockroaches in Ahmedabad
Michael Fumento has confirmed he will be playing the starring
role in War of the Colossal Beast 2: Speedo's Revenge.
If we could see the world in strictly physical terms,
as a nexus of causes and effects, we would probably
not like to live there.
The Instapundit we knew and loved as a libertarian is
no more. In his place there now sits some fatuous
authoritarian who calls himself Glenn Reynolds.
When Parallel Universes Collide
In the distance you can see what is called
'the moral high ground'. Nobody lives up
there except God and George Bush.
President Bush's new dentures won't be ready
until next week.
Dog Days for the Bounty Hunter
Did you hear they are doing a remake of
It Came From Beneath the Sea?
The bride was a no-show, so the groom
married the best man instead.
"They weren't kidding when they claimed a
Ducati could stop on a dime."
"Motorcycle, motorcycle, motorcycle!
I knew I forgot something!"

Friday, September 15, 2006

In Baghdad, they have paved the Garden of Eden
and put up a wrecking yard.
If you can imagine a city of almost six million
people filled with thousands and thousands of
Kimveer Gills, you have imagined Baghdad.
Even young orangutans in Sumatra are
saddened by the bloodshed in Baghdad.
In street tennis, the Demonstrator serves

and the Riot Policeman volleys.

"This is a Heckler & Koch .40 Caliber P2000 USP. The
Department of Homeland Security has purchased
over $26 million worth of these suckers. You know
that USP is short for Universelle Selbstladepistole,
don't you?"
If you are a horse whisperer, do not ask,
"Is it true horse meat is sweet and tender?"
Cyclists always dread the Bullshit Stage
of the Tour of Spain.
It is not widely known that Prince Akishino of
Japan made his fortune by investing shrewdly
in Just for Men's Great Looking Gray shampoo.
A Saucer Full of Illegal Aliens About to Land
Nothing else had worked, so the Forest Service firefighter
decided to place the blaze under arrest.
Appearing before the UN Security Council yesterday,
George Clooney presented a strong case for believing
his Irish surname means 'intriguing rogue',
not 'pasture', as many people think.
Beach Bully on the Prowl for 98-Lb. Weaklings
Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela, says the
members of the Non-Aligned Movement might
consider taking their countries into Midas.
Sharon Stone and Demi Moore used to suffer from
'body dysmorphic disorder'. Now they just suffer
from getting old and being over the hill.
Stock Tip #1
Sell your Ford stock and invest the proceeds in any
company that builds riot control vehicles.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

To change its name from 'Christian Coalition of Alabama'
to 'Christian Action Alabama' is like putting old Thunderbird
wine into a new bottle.
The reports that Henry Kissinger is alive and well
have been greatly exaggerated.
"How do you like my new sombrero?"
World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz was caught
off guard when someone in the audience asked to
borrow his comb.
If you can see your reflection in IMF Managing Director
Rodrigo de Rato's eyes, you are are too damn close.
When it gets boring out in left field, Luke Scott
likes to play catch with the fans.
Matt Lauer always thinks of Betty Crocker when
Meredith Vieira smears frosting on his nose.
If you need more seating capacity in your home
but have limited floor space, here's one solution.
When traveling in Thailand, you need to remember
that jaywalking is not treated lightly.
Yes, they keep pets in the Vatican.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld entered the hospital for
routine rotator cuff surgery. But then there occurred a
dreadful surgical misadventure. And so the Secretary
exited the hospital looking like a two-headed ratsnake.
Oddly enough, nobody seemed to notice the difference.
According to Syracuse University Professor Arthur
C. Brooks, Democrats are facing a serious 'fertility
gap' and Republicans are winning the 'baby battle'.
This is because, he argues, Republicans fuck anything
with a pulse and eschew birth control as a matter of
principle, whereas Democrats never learned their
multiplication tables. When asked about his own
procreational proclivity, Professor Brooks says he
is an Independent.
In his first appearance on television since his
risible performance on Dancing with the Stars,
Tucker Carlson was asked why he sat in the chair
while his partner, Elena Grinenko, gyrated on the
dance floor. "Well," he replied, "I thought 'Cha-Cha'
was Spanish for 'Lap Dance'."
Anthropologists were surprised to learn
that a hitherto unknown Brazilian tribe
uses PortaJohns like everybody else.
The word on the street is that German Chancellor
Angela Merkel can drink most any world leader right
under the table.