Saturday, April 04, 2009

Obama Hails 5,000 More NATO Forces for Afghanistan;
"Hope Comes Through the Barrel of a Gun," He Says
World's Worst Jobs #93
Chinese Cement Plant Worker
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #25
Richard Burr
Mike Tyson, Man of Steele
We live in such an unhinged world that the First Lady
of the United States cannot hug children in London,
England, without five Secret Service agents hovering
over her.
Rush Limbaugh in Cinerama
Levi Johnston Chosen to Play Major Role in
New Fox Network Soap Opera, Palin Place

What sets champion cliche users apart is their ability
to write 'dial back', 'walk back' and 'push back',
Larry Summers, director of the White House National
Economic Council, received $2.77 million in 2008 for
giving about 40 speeches, mostly to Wall Streeters.
That's about $69,000 per speech. Incidentally, you
didn't know it, but you have been charged for the
privilege of looking at this picture of him giving
one of those speeches. Your invoice is already
in the mail.
Those who knew her well said she was a ticking time bomb.
Ladies En Route to One of Erick Erickson's
'Rinso Party' Protests
Survivors of South Carolina Man Learn That
Procrustes Worked at the Cave Funeral Home
Representative Anh Cao (R-LA) promised to be
an 'independent' voice in Congress. Here's how
that has worked out: first, say you're inclined to
vote for the stimulus bill and the President's
budget, then, second, at the last minute, vote
in lockstep with your party against them.
Now that's independence we can believe in!
World's Worst Yobs #88
Bill Hemmer

Friday, April 03, 2009

Minnie Mouse Shortly Before She Received a Pink Slip
from Disney World; "Mickey Will More Than Satisfy
Our Mouse Needs During These Rough Economic
Times," Park Managers Said
"Will mass shootings in the United States end any time soon?"
someone has asked. What a naive question! Whoever asked it
obviously doesn't understand America's longstanding and
well-established 'gun culture'. Gun ownership in the USA
isn't an accidental freak of nature; it's a religion. And your
best chance of surviving this destructive immortality
ideology is, quite simply, to not be in the wrong place at the
wrong time--like, say, Binghamton, New York, at the
American Civic Association, on April 3, 2009.
"Is Michelle the New Oprah?" Tina Brown
asks. Could've been worse. The proprietor
of The Daily Beast could've asked,
"Is Michelle the New Tina?"
For her supporting role at the G20 Summit in London,
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton certainly deserves
a thumbs up, don't you think?
Representative Lamar Smith (R-TX) Trying
to Hypnotize a Robotic Sunflower
Ludovic Guillou has flying dreams
the rest of us can only imagine.
"As Michael Steele's sister and my former wife, Monica,
is there anything you could possibly do in the future to
top your past?"
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #24
Oliver North
Is there life beyond video games?
Ms. Pacman says, "Apparently!"
Chester Cheetah says: "When it's time for another
Tea Party, rightbloggers, don't forget the Cheetos!"
Even the Colossus of Chicago couldn't keep
Sarko the Giant's mind from wandering.
Revolutionary New Back Treatment Uses
Common, Everyday Poker Chips
"The Colossus of Chicago isn't really taller than me.
It's just an optical illusion."
In his dreams, he was riding the rails during the
First Great Depression.
Sarko the Giant was never quite the same after
his encounter with the Colossus of Chicago.

"You, Bill O'Reilly, are a villainously and criminally
obscene human being,
incompetent even to fulfill
your own self-serving agenda."
Even though it has five letters and literally
means 'good', bonus, in our time, has been
made an honorary four-letter word.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Christian concept of 'forgiveness' sounds appealing
until you get down to cases. Should we forgive Donald
Rumsfeld, for instance? Maybe Jesus has the power
to forgive him, but mere mortals, like you and me, have
a much harder time, knowing, as we do, how much blood
is on his hands and how many sorrows he has inflicted on
our species.
"Agreed, Mr. President! If you refrain from trying
to peer into my soul, I'll do the same."
When you hear the phrase, 'morally neutered',
Colin Powell always comes to mind.
Why is that?
I Remember Dubya #17
Whether 'manliness' as a quality needed to be
kicked down a notch or two, Dubya certainly
achieved that and more.
If you don't listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio,
Andrew Klavan says "you're a lowdown, yellow-bellied,
lily-livered intellectual coward" who is "terrified of
finding out he makes more sense than you do." He
also says, "Please buy my books!"
Baby Otters Sleep Through the Apocalypse
Looking for a great gag gift? Yes? Well,
have you considered this 315-page compend
of Michael Chertoff's speeches? Guaranteed
to make the recipient gag, or your money back!

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

"I understand you're a big fan of the Butthole Surfers,
one of the most underrated alternative rock bands of
the last quarter-century. Well, I'll let you in on a
closely-guarded secret, Rush: I am too!"
Is Rush Limbaugh's anal fixation a symptom of
idiosyncratic lust or just plain old perversion?
British Royalty Meet Stars of Their Favorite
1960s TV Show, Land of the Giants
House Republican Rolls Out Alternative Budget

Look deep into Representative Paul Ryan's baby blues
and you can see for miles and miles and miles and miles.
President Obama needs a press secretary with
the cojones Robert Gibbs lacks.
Owner of Motorized Barstool Arrested for Driving
Under the Influence; Police Doubt Driver's Claim
He Had Only Consumed Fifteen Beers
"Look! It's moving. It's alive. It's alive... It's alive,
it's moving, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive,

"Highbrows and foodies call me a 'bearded ruminant',
but you can just call me a 'goat'."
When he heard that Bill O'Reilly was sending Jesse
Watters to stalk and ambush him, the UPS driver
said, "Bring him on!"

Michael Bloomberg, the richest person in New York City,
wishes the 12.5 million Americans currently unemployed
a very prosperous and happy April Fools' Day.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Rush Limbaugh is looking tanned and fit after basking
in the sunlight of a national poll showing that his
favorability rating currently stands at 19%.